Guys: 15 Things That Will Never Ever Help You Get Laid

1. Being assumptive. Oh, so, like – you just figured it was going there? You thought it was understood? Well, you know what they say about assuming: It makes an “ass” out of you, but definitely not out of me.

2. Asking my “number” two dates in. First of all, WHAT? And secondly, who even asks that unless you’re most definitely in an established relationship?! Who wants to know an almost complete stranger’s tallies right off the bat? I’m not sure what that says about a guy, but I don’t think it says anything good; therefore, no entry.

3. Premature sexting. This is something I’ll never understand. It’s one thing if we’ve been on a few dates and things have gotten hot and heavy. It’s a complete other thing if we a) haven’t even met yet or b) have been on a grand total of one date. I’m not sure how guys grasp what a completely transparent giveaway this is that you want sex and only sex and you want it NOW. Never trust a premature sexter, ladies.

4. Wondering, out loud, why I won’t have sex with you. One time, on a second date, while in the midst of touching and feeling, the guy wouldn’t let up on how badly he wanted to put it in me. “Sorry,” I unnecessarily said. “I just don’t have sex that quickly. It’s a bigger deal to me.” Defeated, he laid down beside me asking, “Have you ever thought of not being that way?” Have you ever thought of fucking your own self, sir?

5. Blatantly disregarding the fact that I’m a woman. Meaning, gawking openly at other women when we’re on one of our first dates, or loudly exclaiming “Holy shit!” or “Oh my good God” about every single female celebrity on screen when we’re watching the Emmys together. I don’t give a rip how insecure and catty that sounds, it’s the fucking truth and you all know it.

6. Sending an unsolicited dick pic. Unless I explicitly asked you for a picture of your penis, please NEVER EVER just send one to me at random. Whether we’re hardcore sexting or innocently flirting via text, unless a proper request for an erotic, smartphone photograph of your genitalia is invited by me to my phone, DON’T. I will see it, I will hate it, and I will decide right then and there that it is never going to make nice with my vagina.

7. Don’t project about what “will” be. I have a friend who, in college, was in the midst of making out with a brand new prospect, when he paused to whisper in her ear: “Our sex is going to be so incredible.” Whose? Ours? Oh! I had no idea we were going to be having sex anytime soon. Thanks for bringing me up to date!

8. Making tasteless jokes too early on. Coming up behind me when I’m bent over and pretending to thrust, or picking up a pack of Magnum condoms in Walgreens while giving me a knowing look – these things are only cute once your P has “been there, done that” with my V. If we have yet to cross that line, these actions could be misconstrued for having one thing and one thing only on your mind.

9. Not being down with going down. ALERT ALERT ALERT! SIRENS! AIR HORNS! 100 RED FLAGS! This entire situation could (and probably will be) its own separate article, but if a guy just straight up does not, will not, and has never even attempted to go downtown, he can rest assured that we are done here.

10. Disgusting hygiene. Superficial, I know. But I’m throwing it in. Overgrown toenails that are yellowing, fingernails that are longer than mine with collected dirt underneath, heavy smokers’ breath, the obvious and awful absence of soap and/or cologne – all of these monstrosities are a one-way ticket to No Bangsville, USA. Maybe Sally-Pukes-A-Lot over there in the corner of the bar, with her thong halfway out of her skirt will feel differently, but not me.

11. Saying you respect that I want to take it slow, but not meaning it at all. Look. I love sex. It’s the best. I have it. But I have it when I’m ready. The older I’ve become, the more upfront I am with dudes about the fact that fast and casual sex is not my thing. If it’s his, great! I’m just not the gal for you. The worst possible way a dude can repay my honesty is by claiming how much he respects me, totally agrees, and that, he too, takes sex more seriously. Then, following all that up with heavy sexting, proclamations of just how bad he wants me though, and trying multiple times to play “just the tip.” No one’s saying you have to stick around if you’re not down with not sticking it in me. Get gone.

12. Dirty talking early-on in the game. There’s something about dirty talking; that is, it’s super fun but, in the wrong place at the wrong time, it can just be so… dirty. If you’re throwing around the lowest of the low terms (e.g. c**k or p***y) before we’ve even made it to the bedroom, alarms will sound. One alarm will be like “Hot,” but the other alarm will be like, “His intensity makes me uneasy as fuck.”

13. Asking if we’re going to have sex. You’d think I was making it up, but I’m not. Have you ever had a guy just straight up inquire this? “But, like, we’re gonna have sex eventually… Right?” I’m not sure when not having sex on the first or second date turned into the worry of never having sex, but okay.

14. Trying to convince me. I.e. Promising it’ll be amazing. I’m sure it will be! We clearly have insane chemistry, and if I didn’t grow so attached after having sex with someone, I’d be all over it (“it” being your penis). Again, it’s not that I don’t absolutely love bumping uglies – it’s that I know who I am and what sex means to me, and I’m trying to pay respect to that. SO STOP TRYING TO MAKE SEX HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN (right away, that is).

15. Placing my hand on your boner, in public, to show me how much I “excite” you. Personally, this has never happened to me. But it happened to my mom once in her youth, and I just thought it needed to be included here because NO.