20 Totally Absurd Thoughts Every Single Girl Has Had At Least Once

Don’t even act like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about with all of this.

On a Friday or Saturday night, when you’re home alone and have no plans…

“Where did I go wrong? Why is my life so terrible? I am such a loser. And I hate all my stupid, lame friends.”

On a Friday or Saturday night, when you have plans…

“Who knows what could happen tonight or who I could meet! I love being young, free, and single! I LOVE LIFE!”

Making eyes with a guy from across the way, only to realize he has a ring on…

“Oh. I see. Well, fuck you then. Why are you even out in public, anyway? To tantalize poor singletons like me? Go home to your wife.”

Seeing yet another engagement announcement on Facebook…

“ENGAGED?!? HOW ORIGINAL! I can’t wait for your wedding day and for you to change your last name the literal second you’re pronounced man and wife so I don’t have to witness your countdown for one more day.”

But, really…

“I’m literally going to be the last person in the entire Facebook community to get engaged. When it actually happens for me, and I get to make my announcement, Facebook won’t even be around. Or it will but all of my friends will be grandparents who are slowly losing their wits, and they won’t remember how to ‘like’ my status. OMFG.”

Getting onto an airplane…

“Maybe I’ll meet my husband today. Maybe he’ll be sitting in the seat next to mine, because I’m single, which means my life is completely capable of becoming a classic Rom-Com plot.”

…Or going to the grocery store…

“Maybe I’ll meet my husband today. Maybe he’ll be in the same aisle as me, reaching for the same bag of bread, because I’m single, which means my life is completely capable of becoming a classic Rom-Com plot.”

…Or going to the dog park…

“Maybe I’ll meet my husband today. Maybe he’ll be here with his adorable mutt dog, and our dogs will become instant friends who won’t stop playing, and then his will take a huge dump right in front of me, which will send him into this awkward apologetic state. But I’ll make it known it’s really not a big deal, ‘shit happens.’ And we’ll laugh, and end up talking until the sun sets and our dogs are napping in the grass. Because I’m single, which means my life is completely capable of becoming a classic Rom-Com plot.”

On your grossest days…

“How could anyone ever love me? It’s no wonder I’m alone. I hate everyone, including myself. I disgust me.”

On your hottest days…

“Why wouldn’t every guy love me? I’m fucking amazing.”

When you see the man of your fantasies with some girlfriend…

“WTF? I’m so much cuter than her. I guess I should punch myself in the face a few times if I want to land a guy like him. GAH. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG.”

When a seemingly super happy couple suddenly ends their relationship on Facebook…

“There is hope yet.”

Tagging along with your best friend and her boyfriend/husband/fiance…

“Things really would be so much easier if they’d just adopt me and get it over with, but also I think we may need a break.”

While watching any sitcom or drama that even sort of slightly resembles your daily struggles as a single woman…

“NO ONE UNDERSTANDS BUT THEM. TV GETS ME. LIFE DOESN’T.”

When he doesn’t text back right away…

“That’s it. It’s over. He hates me. He probably saw I texted, dry heaved, and threw his phone in the trash. This is like a new PR for losing a dude’s interest. I shouldn’t have said anything. Not even ‘hi.’ I bet he gathered his coworkers for an emergency meeting to discuss how desperate I am. Whatever. He can text me back whenever he wants, I’m not responding.”

When he finally texts back and has a legitimate excuse as to why it took a while…

“OMGHELOVESMEWE’REGETTINGMARRIED. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID. HE’S S’CUTE!”

Working out at the gym…

“If any man is to ever romantically approach me here, in my most disgusting state, I will know he’s the One. Even if it’s that old ass man who walks at 2.2MPH on the treadmill. Maybe he’s my lobster.”