I live alone. Correction: I’m a lady who lives alone. Because of these facts, I do some pretty weird things since no one is around to judge me except for my mirrors and own ego. For example, I sing. I dance. I talk to myself quite a bit. And sunday morning, while dancing, I tripped so hard it turned into a running trip and i almost face-planted into my patio door. I was cracking up… alone.

Something I also do a lot of the time is not wear pants. Pants suck. They’re so awful. I so rarely wear pants around my place that one time I didn’t even notice until halfway through baking cookies that I was in a thong and shirt only. Baking with my butt out – because that’s how REAL sluts do it. Oh, you want some cookies? Well, how about some cookies with ASS? Yeah baby!

All this got me thinking though about how men seem to have these strange fantasies about how shit really is with girls whether they’re alone or with friends. Ya know, the age-old joke about slumber parties and girls making out and having pillow fights in their undies? That’s right, boys. It’s a JOKE. it’s funny because it’s so stupid, you have to laugh. However, because they already think like this, I felt that guys might have these beautifully drawn out images of how we might look when we’re just at home, doing whatever and being irresistibly adorable. I’m sure you can guess what’s coming next.

Yes.

It’s fantasy versus reality PICTURE TIME

Disclosure: This was the hardest set of pictures I ever took on my own and I found myself really wishing I had employed a friend to snap my photos. YET – I persevered.

Cooking

Fantasy…

Ohhh yeah, Baby. I got nothing on but this uni-boob bra under this apron and I’m gonna cook you some sex pie. who cooks in clothes?! Prude losers, that’s who. Not me. Not this kitten. Purrrrrr, baby. purrr.

 Reality…

I’ve been in here for an hour. This is probably gonna taste like shit, but I tried. So please don’t be an asshole about it and DON’T COME IN THE KITCHEN. NO, there’s nothing you can do to help so quit asking! just please let me do this and resent you for it later. Please?

Leisure time

Fantasy…

Ugh. this book is so fantastic and my cute glasses make it even more fantastical. I just love curling up with a good book on my cozy couch in my cutie glasses when I’m alone. It sincerely fills me up with joy. I’d love to see you tonight, but i’m so involved in this plot, I’d like to hang out with my book friends tonight and make out with you later.

Reality…

THIS… THIS is leisure time, my friends. Let your hair down, spread your legs, grab a beer and burp like a man. No one can hear you. no one can see you. No one is getting turned off by you except for yourself. guys don’t think girls like to drink a brewskie and flip through TV at night? YOU BEEN DATIN’ THE WRONG KINDA GALS THEN, SWEETHEART.

Cleaning

Fantasy…

Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhh. The ULTIMATE household chore fantasy. vacuuming with heels on because it makes so much sense. I’m gonna sport a teeny dress and  big ‘ole heels and clean THE SHIT out of your apartment, sugar. And then i’m gonna give YOU some sugar. Right after I’m done vacuuming up the sugar I spilled in the kitchen while making you FRESH. BAKED. SUGAR COOKIES. ssshhh sssshhh, I know. I know. It’s overwhelming.

Reality…

SUCK A DICK, VACUUM!!!! You make me sweat, scream, cry and want to give up on life. Just do your fucking job and stop getting your chords twisted and your entire body stuck in weird places. you are my bitch – act like it.

Bed attire.

Fantasy…

TEE HEE. We all know the TRUE bedtime attire fantasy is a sexual negligee, HOWEVER, You’re bat shit crazy if you ever thought I would get all porny on here. Sick fuck. No. I went to the next best thing: baby shorts and a tshirt. I’m so cute and cuddly. Won’t you come snuggle me in beddy bop?

Reality…

I’m tired. It’s cold. I’m too cheap to turn on the heat, so I’ll just throw this robe on over the outfit I already had on. this is as close to real life as you are getting with me: I have been known to wear my robe to bed on MANY, many occasions. WHAT?! I’M COLD. DON’T EVEN.

Fixing things.

Fantasy…

RATS! My silly pantry door always causes issues and won’t shut normally. It really ruffles my feathers. I wish i had a strong man here to help me out, but i guess I’ll just be super patient and stare at it and try to figure it out alone. Then i’ll give up and go take a bubble bath and listen to Enya.

Reality…

MOTHER F**KING B*TCH!!!!?? YOU STUPID &#!$&!!!!!!! I WILL F***ING RIP YOU OFF YOUR !@**$%(#(! FRAME, YOU PIECE OF @#$!!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, YOU WILL COOPERATE OR I’LL SHOVE A @#*!(!$$ SPATULA UP YOUR !@#)(!!!!!! &^&*%#&*&^^&&*1!!!!!!

Crying at movies.

Fantasy…

UGH. This movie literally never gets old. I can’t help but tear up a little every time that little boy gets his cheek-kiss and hugs his father. OH LOVE ACTUALLY! YOU KNOW ME. YOU KNOW MY SOUL. ::sniffle::

Reality…

UGLY CRY. I want loooovvvveeeeeee ::sob::

You’ve already seen too much. Let’s pretend this never happened and i’m perfect and so are all other girls.