If there’s one thing every man has in common (besides the bizarrely pervasive idea that women are attracted to photos of them holding dead fish) is describing themselves as laid back. Sure, compared to women who generally don’t have the luxury of a partner who will pick of their slack when it comes to remembering birthdays and events or making a comfortable home, men are more laid back.

And there’s a virtue in being chill. Radical apathy is a healthy response to the onslaught of media that is always trying to prey on your fears. In a relationship, being laid back means avoiding many unnecessary fights and knowing when it’s okay to just trust.

But in the relationship long haul, effort — no matter how unchill it is — is something to be sought after if you want to have an iota of a chance to make it into something real.

1. Most men are already laid back. Laid back is common, effort is rare. It’s the rule of supply and demand, when everyone is already laid back, you don’t have to worry about finding a partner who is laid back. There’s no demand for that quality. There is, however, a supply shortage of men who exhibit the inverse qualities — who know that you can’t always be content to let life pass you by.

2. Effort makes you feel desired. It’s very hard to feel confident in a relationship with someone who is extremely laid back. They don’t go out of their way to do anything for you, because in their mind, it’s not necessary. They’re so chill, they don’t need to be impressed, so they assume other people work the same way.

3. It displays confidence. The most impressive thing a guy can do in 2016 is say ‘yes’ instead of ‘maybe’.

4. You’ll make better memories together. It’s fun to have weekends where you stay in bed the whole time and just chill out and relax. But when you look back on your life, you remember the events: trips/parties/dates that took a little planning but are now an incredible memory you’ll share forever.

5. You don’t feel like their mother. Most modern women have the same dating fear: that they end up with a man who feels more like a child than a partner. We don’t want someone we have to take care of, we want someone who is an equal.

6. You know he probably has his shit together. People who put in effort get shit done. If a man makes an effort with you, you can guess he makes one with his job — so he’s reasonably successful. You can also guess that his home isn’t a complete war zone and that he’s able to maintain good relationships with his family and friends.

7. You know that when the going gets tough in your relationship, he’ll be willing to work at it. Laid back can also mean lazy. When you’re super chill, sometimes you just want to pick the conflict-free path of least resistance. There’s no way of knowing whether this means they won’t do the same thing when something in your relationship inevitably gets hard.

8. He knows when to address problems. Being laid back saves on fights, because you simply don’t have them that often. However, this can come at the expense of really working through your issues. The cost of a conflict-free relationship can be that your first big fight ends up being your last.

9. It shows he’s a grown-up. Children do what feels fun in the moment, adults do what needs to be done.

10. The actual perfect partner is someone who knows how to blend chill and unchill. Both things are healthy in the right doses at the right time. You need to know they’re capable of knowing the difference.