This Is A Love Letter (This Is A Goodbye Letter)

Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I haven’t really slept in days. All I could think about as I lay in bed were all the times I fell asleep next to you. You would hold me and stroke my hair, and when I would wake up guiltily, you would smile and tell me that seeing me rest made you happy. All I could think about last night was the way you would look at me and how much I loved you in those moments and how much you must have loved me. I wish I told you that then. That I loved you. Maybe more than I was ever able to express, more than you know.  So here it is, a final love letter, our second goodbye.

Even though things didn’t work out the way we wanted them to, I need you to know how deeply I loved our time together. I need you to know that even though things turned bad, you are good. I wouldn’t be okay if I didn’t tell you how incredible of a person you are. I’ve never really had faith in a higher power or that there is a plan out there for us. But after our time together, my heart has changed. I am always going to remember and be grateful for you. Because of you, I wasn’t alone for what felt like the first time in my life. I wasn’t alone during those really dark, scary moments when loss found me, and when I found grief. You were listening when I tried to make sense of the chaos and confusion of a really strange world. You held me up when I was trying to start a journey to healing. I can still hear you calling my name, your hand on mine while we sipped on coffees and walked along the water, your knock on my door, your fingers brushing my hair from my face, your laughter. I wasn’t alone then, and I’m not alone now, because you taught me not to be scared to be loved by others. I see all my friends and family embracing me, because you showed me how. You helped me tear down walls I didn’t even know I had built. The ones that filled the empty spaces left in the place of scars. The ones that kept me hidden.

You have to know you are one of the kindest, most patient, most hardworking, most loving, good men I have ever known. You strive every day to be better in all of the ways you are already good. I was excited each day to see what that looked like for you. I hope, I truly hope, that you felt my love too. I see you for everything you are, and everything you’re going to be. I want the whole world for you, and I know you’ll find it because good things happen to good people. We made a lot of mistakes. We weren’t equipped to receive love when we gave it or make room for each other when we needed it. I’m sorry. If I could take all those mistakes back, I would. But I wouldn’t trade a second of knowing you.

I know all I can do now is take these moments as lessons and cherish what we had and all of our potential. I know this is goodbye—our second goodbye. The first one was said as we looked into each other’s eyes, hearts breaking, minds filled with anger and regret. For this second one, we’re far apart from one another now, hearts broken but filled with the ease of knowing we found one another for a reason. Our brief moment where our lives intertwined, the good and the bad, it was all meant for something. I hope one day we find our way to one another again, maybe as strangers and maybe as friends. But if we don’t, I want you to hear me say these things one last time. Be gentle with yourself. I loved you. You’re a good man, and I was so lucky.