You’ve been inside me, but we still aren’t friends on social media. And maybe we never will be. Maybe we were never meant to be. Maybe it is only upon breaking up that I will have the courage to add you.

I still don’t quite understand what this relationship is. Are we friends with benefits? Lovers? More? Is it going anywhere?

You text me every morning, “Good Morning” with a heart emoji next to it. You call me cute pet names like baby and my love.

When we met, I wasn’t really thinking this would get serious. It was more of a fling while I was moving to a new town, trying to gather my bearings. You helped me grow. You helped me feel more stable here, like I had someone to come back to during my moving process. But perhaps that’s all you were meant to be.

I tried to break up with you once, when I went back home, but you continued to text me. You were persistent, and I won’t lie, I loved the consistency. You told me you really missed me.

And yet… when I ran into you at Starbucks during the daytime, after a night spent sleeping next to one another, in which you were inside my body, it felt… awkward, to say the least.

When we were together that night before, I saw some notifications from Instagram on your phone, and it was then that I realized the situation was a bit odd. Why on earth did I feel I could let you inside of me, when I don’t even feel ready to add you on IG? It’s baffling. Perhaps I’ll never know the answer to this question.

Why does adding you on social media feel more intimate to me than it did to have you inside my body? I’m following tons of people I’ve never even met, but yet, I can’t seem to take that step with you. Is it too soon? Am I afraid of it getting too real? Am I afraid of intimacy? Or, is this not meant to be? When is it supposed to happen? Does it come before or after meeting the family?

We haven’t defined the relationship and I don’t know if we ever will. I suppose that’s the next step, if that ever even happens. But why is it that it feels more intimate to see your social media— which is private by the way— than it did for us to have sex? It’s an interesting concept. It wasn’t that the sex was bad. It was great, and it was intimate.

I suppose as with anything in life, only time will tell.