101 Promises For Your Best Friend

1. I promise to pet-sit for you, even if your cat is a demon.

2. We’ll always be somewhat even in the end, so don’t worry about paying me back for dinner.

3. Or drinks. Or cabs.

4. I promise to withhold judgment about the person you’re talking to until it gets at least semi-serious.

5. But I’ll still give them a second chance, because I trust your opinion of people.

6. If I’m out shopping and see something you love, I’ll let you know where it is and try to put it on hold for you.

7. If it’s cheap enough and you want it, I’ll buy it for you. (You should pay me back for this.)

8. I will clean you up when you’re too drunk.

9. And will create a diversion if you need to get away from anyone badgering you at the bar.

10. I promise to never bring up your Spotify history.

11. (In front of other people.)

12. I won’t check my phone when I’m at dinner with you, and will ask before I Instagram our meal. Friendships are more important than likes and hashtags.

13. I will accept your parents’ friend requests on Facebook, so that when you need to vent about your family, you don’t have to explain who you’re talking about.

14. And I will connect with your boss on LinkedIn for the same reason.

15. I will only spoil TV shows if you ask me three times.

16. But I refuse to spoil books so that you remember to read.

17. I will always tell you when you have something in your teeth.

18. I’ll memorize a few key songs from our childhood so that we can belt them out together.

19. I will respect when to not ask questions, even when I really, really, really want to.

20. I solemnly swear to tell the DJ which songs were the hallmarks of your past relationships, so you don’t have to create a “do not play” list of exes for one of the best days of your life.

21. I will consider buying a house with an extra bedroom for when you need to crash.

22. But if you wind up passed out in my bed or on my couch, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable.

23. I will try to chat up the barista you have an awkward crush on.

24. … and will talk you out of every bartender whose flirty attitude makes you feel like you actually have a chance.

25. I will remind you when eating a salad might not be a bad idea for us both.

26. I’ll sign up for all those ambitious races you want to complete.

27. And I will match you drink for drink after we do them.

28. I promise to understand when you have to make your sibling head of your wedding party.

29. (I’ll still plan everything for you, but I’ll understand.)

30. I will sacrifice myself to the Instagram gods when finding which filter makes your face look best.

31. I will boycott the restaurant where you found a hair in your burger with you on principle.

32. I’ll suggest you name your first child after me, and I’ll only be 50% serious.

33. I will make a Skype account not because you’re planning on moving away, but in case either of us ever think about it, I need to be prepared.

34. If I ever use a picture of you and your ex, it’s only because your hair was on point in that photo and that, more than your relationship, is what needs to be acknowledged.

35. I will get the same cell phone provider as you, so we don’t have to waste precious minutes.

36. I will bake you a cake instead of buying you one for your birthday. (It might be boxed mix, but still.)

37. I promise to wake you up so we can go to the gym at Jesus Christ o’clock together.

38. But I will also respect when you — okay, we — need to sleep in.

39. I promise to invite you to every work function with an open bar that I possibly can.

40. I will always be your excuse to go to a movie that might be considered too juvenile or low-brow for us.

41. And I promise to acknowledge every reference you make to it for the next decade.

42. I promise to be totally honest and tell you when your haircut looks abysmal, and will help you research ways to fix it until it grows out.

43. I promise to distract you when you’re feeling down because even though it’s not 100% genuine, sometimes you need it.

44. And I promise to play along when you do the same thing for me.

45. I promise to always provide you a with proper distraction from work by using a combination of Gchat, .gifs, and groupon deals we debate going halvsies on for the next six hours.

46. While searching for jobs, if I see something you’d be perfect for, I promise to pass it along to you.

47. Even if that means you move away. #selfless

48. I promise to loan you my most capable looking clothes for those moments when you really need them.

49. You know, like the things any other friend should consider severely and entirely off limits.

50. I promise not to badger you when it comes time to asking for it back. (I’ll just take it the next time I’m at your place.)

51. I promise to fav the tweets nobody else thinks are funny enough to merit approval.

52. I’ll tone it down about the TV show I’m obsessed with but you just haven’t gotten into (even if I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t watched a single episode yet.)

53. I will understand and respect that though we are best friends, there are things that are fundamentally different about us, and I shouldn’t try to make us carbon copies of each other.

54. Which is why I will always ask for your opinion above anyone else’s, because you think that little bit differently than I do.

55. I promise to bring you back good souvenirs from whatever vacation or trip I go on.

56. And I will respect — and try to add to — whatever crazy collection you have going, be it coffee cups or magnets or “clever” t-shirts about people going to some exotic locale and all you have is this lousy t-shirt.

57. When you introduce me to your coworker or crush for the first time, I won’t admit to exactly how much I know about them already.

58. I will try to talk you out of the truly regrettable tattoos or piercings you think about getting.

59. But I will hold your hand through the ones that aren’t so bad.

60. I won’t hold it against you if you don’t think my new favorite song or crazy internet video is absolutely hysterical.

61. I will match any bad pun you make with an even worse one.

62. I will never finish a text conversation with a “ha” or a “k.”

63. When I’m mad at you, I will tell you exactly why so that we can get over it rather than let it fester between us.

64. I will celebrate every little happiness you experience, from finding five dollars on the street to getting a promotion to just having a really good hair day.

65. I will not upload any picture wherein I look great and you look terrible.

66. I won’t ever compare us to characters on Sex and the City, The Hangover, or food groups that go together really well.

67. Nor will I judge you for liking chocolate-covered chili pepper potato chips.

68. I will buy you a bag of chocolate-covered chili pepper potato chips and store them at my apartment.

69. I’ll string your name together with the name of the person you’re seeing to hypothetically test if they’d go together well on a marriage certificate (so you don’t have to.)

70. I promise to never take your last stick of gum.

71. I promise to take your future kids to the zoo on the days when you really just need a break.

72. I will never remind you that your parents were right about something to protect your ego.

73. I will, however, remind you when I was right about something so that you remember that I had your back all along.

74. I won’t use trite examples of how you “deserve better” when you’re going through a tough breakup, job loss, or anything else.

75. I will be at your house within 20 minutes with a bottle of wine, a pint of ice cream, or really greasy takeout.

76. I will let you use my HBOgo account when I’m flush with cash, if you let me use yours when you are.

77. I will craft guilty pleasure playlists for when we go on drives in the car, run together, or getting ready for going out.

78. There will always be an extra set of clean pajamas at my place should you feel the need to crash.

79. I will stay up all night to help you with lines for your audition or with the slides for your presentation, even if you’ve all but given up on any possibility that it will go well.

80. If you text me an emergency emoji, I will call you and craft some dire situation so that you can leave whatever awful date you’re on.

81. I won’t tell anyone about the time you danced barefoot on the bar or vomited in the cab.

82. I promise to never passive-aggressively force you to keep up with my various social media presences, nor will I talk about these things as if duh, of course you’ve already seen them.

83. I will dress up with you for Halloween, even if it’s on a Wednesday and I have to be up really early for a meeting the next morning.

84. I would promise to wait to start eating when the waiter forgets your order, but I promise to share my food with you anyway.

85. I won’t ever steal the perfect name you thought up for your dream dog.

86. I’ll help you craft cover letters, even if neither of us ever quite figured out what are supposed to be on those things. (But then again, who has?)

87. You can list me as a prior employer when you need a glowing reference.

88. I will tell you when you’re maybe being a little bit callous or mean, so that you don’t get in any worse trouble than just my raised eyebrow.

89. I promise to never drink the last beer in your fridge.

90. If I pull up my horoscope, I will pull up yours next.

91. I will respect the difference between knowing when to analyze a text, and telling you that you’re being absurd.

92. I promise to turn an awful flat tire or embarrassing sunburn into a great story we can retell years later.

93. I promise never to bombard your Facebook with memes when it’s an election year.

94. Whenever I tell you you’re wrong, it’s not because I want to seem smarter than you, but because I respect you enough to help you keep from looking like a fool.

95. I promise to try to have kids around the same time as you so that we can raise them together.

96. I will never shy away from having a heart-to-heart with you after we’ve had a few drinks.

97. If I ever see your favorite celebrity walking down the street and you’re not around, I will at least try to get their autograph if I can’t get them on the phone with you.

98. I will go back to your high school reunion and help you raise absolute hell.

99. You’re never expected to get me a present at holidays and birthdays, but I will always get you something awesome.

100. (I will also tell your significant other what to get you because let’s face it: I know what you want, what you really, really want.)

101. And I promise that, so help me God, our friendship will never, ever end. TC mark

featured image – Saturday Night Live

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