Why I’m Not Interested In A Relationship In My Twenties


It seems that the majority of the population is either in a relationship or actively looking for one – why is that the case? Why is that the societal norm in a time when we don’t have to reproduce and women can support themselves? Can you tell me five substantial things you gain from being in your current relationship?

I can earn my own money, find and cook my own food, live relatively safely alone, and I don’t need sex (for reproduction or pleasure purposes). So, for me to give up my alone time with myself, you’ve really got to set my soul on fire. Anything else just isn’t worth it. I value that time alone to discover myself more than I value company in times when it gets a little lonely.

You keep bombarding yourself with meaningless chats, nights outs at the bar, one night stands, and little flings so you don’t have to sit in silence with yourself and really put in some mental work. Yeah, it’s scary. It’s really fucking scary. But, my God, it’s so worth it. Don’t you want to get to know yourself? Don’t you want to see who you genuinely have the potential to become? Don’t you want to stop that pain deep in your heart once and for all? A man or woman won’t stop that pain. They just won’t. They might temporarily, but in the way that smoking a joint makes you temporarily forget your problems. You’ll feel the high but it will stop, and you won’t have fixed the core problem.

I value my time alone as an individual. I see no point in entering into a relationship unless I feel it will last long-term, which means that I will no longer, ever again, be able to enjoy my time alone as an individual and not part of some pair. I want to be able to enter into a union of sorts between two people knowing I want to be there and give it my all.

I love exploring myself. I love surprising myself. I love seeing the ways in which I grow daily and I don’t wan to miss out on that because I’m too busy exploring someone else. I don’t believe that I will ever be done exploring myself, but I would like to make a lot of progress before giving myself completely to another person and working to enjoy them and discover them on a daily basis as well.

It has taken so much work to quiet my mind enough to listen to my soul, and the more I listen the more I become who I am meant to be. And I’m only just beginning. To add a man into that equation as anything but a nurturing, positive friend would alter the chemistry of my brain. It would cloud it. It would mess with my heart and I worry I wouldn’t be able to stay true to it.

I want to “get it all out of my system” now. I want to understand my body and what it likes. I want to date the types and personalities of men I’m interested in to see which ones I am compatible with and which ones are better left as fantasies. I want to understand myself alone, before adding anybody else into the mix. How can I possibly love and grow to understand somebody, the way they’re meant to be understood and loved, if I don’t even understand and love myself completely?

When I decide to give up my true sense of freedom as an individual, it will be for someone very, very special. And for someone that special, I want to be able to love them exactly the way they deserved to be loved. I don’t want to hurt them. And, I know for a fact, that any relationship not solely based on a mutual understanding of each individual by themselves will not last. If you enter into a relationship for the wrong reasons (you feel like you have to due to societal pressures, you’re lonely, you’re vulnerable in the wrong ways, you’re enjoying the sex, whatever), it won’t last. And if it lasts, it will be an unhappy relationship you are only in because you’ve grown comfortable.

I don’t ever want to find myself deciding to continue a relationship just because it’s comfortable and it’s easier than breaking up.

People who have taken the time to do this are confident. They are mature and they know how to communicate effectively.

And, maybe you figure all this out by the time you’re nineteen, or maybe it takes until your mid-forties. And yeah, maybe you meet someone when you’re both young, or old, and you learn all of this together. Great. I’m sure it’s fantastic to experience that self love and growth with another person. However, you miss out on the special little moments of growth only you will ever know about. You miss out on being able to have that deep sense of pride within yourself, knowing you are you because of only you.

It’s less about an age for me and more about the feeling I have deep down within myself. But, I do feel that, in doing this now, I’m actively working to prevent a mid-life crisis in which I make a rash life-changing decision or ruin my marriage. I almost feel as if it’s like making healthy lifestyle changes while you’re young so you don’t suffer the consequences later in life. I want to actively work to know myself and understand what my soul wants so that when I turn fifty, I don’t suddenly freak out and think I’ve lost an entire youth to someone I don’t even want to be with.

I want to be in a relationship because you have genuinely ignited a fire in my soul.

I want to be in a relationship because you have taken the time to know yourself, and because you love yourself, you know how to effectively love me.

I want to be in a relationship because I’m 100% okay alone, but being with you is more pleasurable than being alone.

I don’t want to be in a relationship because my family and society thinks “it’s about that time to settle down.”

I don’t want to be in a relationship because I’m lonely and your company eases that pain.

I don’t want to be in a relationship because you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever seen and the sexual chemistry is off the charts.

I don’t want to be in a relationship because I want to be selfish first in learning to love and understand myself. So when I cross paths with the right man who’s also taken the time to love and understand himself, I can give myself to him completely and healthily and, in return, love him the way he deserves to be loved. Yeah, I can wait a few years for that. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Elizabeth Thorn

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