Violent diarrhea while riding a motorcycle and wearing plastic rain pants. Couldn’t exit for more than twenty miles, then had to change and get cleaned up under a bridge using muddy puddle water and a single bandana.
I performed a fetotomy. I cut up a dead calf while it was still inside the cow. I was able to get it out in just three pieces. It had been in there for a good while and had become kind of soupy like a beef stew.
I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car and was hungover as fuck. Suddenly, I have to puke my guts out, but the driver can’t pull over, since we’re on the highway. So my stomach contents enter my mouth, but I managed to keep it all in (with my cheeks bulging) and swallow it all back down. This causes me to puke again, but once again, I keep it all in my mouth and swallow it all down. This repeated a couple more times, until I managed to keep it down for good. It truly was one of the proudest moments of my life.
Tl;dr- played barf pong between my stomach and my mouth and won.
Wife clogged the toilet when we first moved into our new apartment and I mean a real mess of a shitpile too.
She finally told me since we didn’t have a plunger but I had to use the bathroom and I’d had a shitty day and this was just the straw that broke the camels back.
I pulled my sleeve up and shoved my arm in the toilet to declog and break it up manually, then used the bathroom before I messed my own pants up, then took an inferno hot shower.
I told her she had to go buy a plunger. She was already back with one by the time I finished my shower.
I was at a night club on new years many years back in Los Angeles. They have a seriously hot girl in a thong and Greek god cut dude in a thong onstage.
They drizzle honey on both of their asses and bring me and another girl from the audience onstage and tell us we have to lick the honey off their butt cheeks and whoever does it the fastest wins a prize. They ask the girl from the audience who’s butt she wants to lick and she walks to the girl. Dude walks over to me and bends over. the hit the bell and there I was licking honey off a dudes ass like I hadn’t eaten in days. I won.
While working in a dog kennel in high school, I had to watch a dog have a horrific bout of “Garbage Gut” which means he ate something metal, or pointy and was pooping blood.
He then laid in it and rolled around.
I had to pick up this 70 pound dog, covered in poo and blood, and carry him into the Grooming facility to wash him off. It was like holding a bar of soap. He kept slipping out of my fingers. Once I managed to get a good hold of him, he wretched, whimpered, and assploded all over my jeans.
I completed the rest of my shift covered in a dog’s blart.
I once had simultaneous vomiting and shitting in the shower when I decided to drink heavily in the middle of fighting a case of food poisoning.
I remember loudly and drunkenly cursing my stupidity as I used my big toe to break up large chunks of poo and force them down the shower drain.
Not my proudest moment.
Came in my own mouth.
9. Holy Holy Holy!!!
I had diarrhea and the case of the vomits. I had gotten drunk, and to the point where I couldn’t control anything. I couldn’t give a shit, but I had a lot of it. Don’t remember what I ate, but it was running like a dog after a bone. I was alternating between the sink and the potty. Walking back and forth in my drunken state. And the worst part was that the toilet had clogged. Probably from all the jizz I spurted out during the day.
I could feel the water touch my butt, worse yet, some bits of poop, but I couldn’t give a damn. I was shitting and puking for a good hour. I was getting emotionally wrecked at the same time as well. I was laughing and tearing up at my life decisions. I think I cried for a bit too. Luckily enough, the pain of vomiting kept me in check, better yet, the toilet didn’t overflow. I managed to hit the mark with the sink as well, so the floor was clean. But my god did the place wreak.
I sat there for another good hour or so, not sure If I had to go again. Finally I just got up, fell face down cause my leg had fallen asleep, dragged my self to the bed and fell asleep. Got up the next morning and saw that there was dry shit and vomit and the place was smelling even worse. I would have cleaned it up but I got the call to vacate so I just left.
I once popped a hemorrhoid in the shower with a fucking needle.
It squirted out black jelly, about the size of my thumbnail. And I’ve never had hemorrhoids since. Checkmate, asshole.
Put my finger inside the heart of a woman who had just died to feel for a bullet.
My girlfriend was vomiting flaming hot Cheetos and then the dog started licking it off the wall. She was so sick she couldn’t push the dog away or anything.
I came home drunk at 1am to red vomit on the walls, half naked vomit girlfriend, and a happy pug. He loves flaming hot Cheetos!
I got lice my sophomore year of high school. I still have no idea how I even got it; I never shared hats, scarves, brushes, etc. with anyone. I must’ve just been the lucky person to bump into someone in the hall that had it or something.
Let me tell you that having lice makes you feel disgusting. You can feel the little fuckers just having the time of their lives on your scalp.
I remember when I realized I had them. I was sitting in my living room, watching TV. My head was just so itchy. I kept scratching and I noticed that there was gunk underneath my fingernails. So I started feeling around my scalp, I could feel little bumps at the base of the hair. So I pulled one out and it started moving in my fucking hand. I put that bitch in a Ziploc and went to go find my dad.
He ended up going through my hair with a pencil and sure enough Lice City was on my head.
My hair is thick and long, so that was a fun 3 months of treatments. After about a week of them I had my mom chop off my hair.
It’s been 10 years and I can still feel them on my head. I’ll never be able to forget that.
The single most vile thing I’ve ever had to do was to remove a pair dead lambs from their mother. It wasn’t the first still born I’d ever had to deal with… It wasn’t the death that bothered me. It was that it died long ago and began to rot. Then the rot killed its twin, and that rotted as well. So the ewe goes into labor. Has a tough time, and when I walk up… a smell that I am incapable of describing hits me. I continue walking up, and there is milky green goop pouring from her vag in place of Amniotic fluids. Oh wait… those are amniotic fluids.
After walking off and hurling my breakfast, I start to walk back. My mom hands me a flask and says to take a pull, It will help. (yay first alcohol)
If it helped, I don’t want to know how bad it was. The ewe was already kinda wild, so I had to pin her on the ground. There were a pair of front feet hanging out of her at this point. My mom and I rapidly make the decision that these lambs need to be pulled. (Pulling lambs is a risk to the mother and lamb, but sometimes its a risk we will take because the alternative is death for the mother, lamb or both)
She gently slides her hand up in the birth canal and takes a firm hold just above the knee. She begins to pull the lamb slowly (pulling slow helps negate any damage from pulling). At this point the ewe puts up a fight. My 15 year old self adjusts to keep her pinned, but where she can still breathe and push.
Then I hear my mom, the woman with a stomach of steel, start hurling. I adjust myself again so that I can see behind me. When she pulled the lamb, it was too rotten to hold together. The front legs came out without any lamb behind it.
She murmured how she couldn’t reach far enough into the ewe to fish out the rest… and I know that with our current financial situation, we can’t afford a vet if we want to eat for the next month. (We had a really bad year the year before, and my step dad had just gotten laid off.)
So its my turn.
She takes over holding the ewe, and I proceed to fish out all the parts of the lambs. Both had died. I took turns between fishing out body parts and dry heaving until I didn’t have tears anymore.
It took me the better part of two and a half hours. Once we were done, the ewe stands up, kinda wobbly after the ordeal, and we lead her to the barn. We hit her with a cocktail of antibiotics, and gave her food and water and went back to the house.
I ended up burning those clothes because the smell never came out, and I was in the shower for close to 4 hours scrubbing the slimy feeling on my arm away. Even telling this story now, I can still feel it.
About three years ago, I was at Thanksgiving at my friends house. I had a small bowl of chocolate pudding and I was in his room checking my email.
I had to go to the bathroom, so I put my bowl on the desk and head to take a shit.
I come back and get back on the computer. I noticed my hand had a brown mark on it, thought it was chocolate pudding, so I licked it up.
Was not chocolate pudding.
I once had to mine in my own ass with a spoon to get a well wedged piece of fecal matter out.
Not my proudest moment.
When I was 18 I got knocked up. I was way scared but I decided to have an abortion. I’ve never been “put under” though, so I opted for the medication abortion. It’s a series of pills you take- the first ones terminate the pregnancy, and the second ones cause contractions and expel the fetus.
The cut-off date for that is 9 weeks. They pushed back my appointment by two weeks before seeing me though. I measured at 9 weeks exactly. They let me have the medication abortion anyways, as I was so adamant this was on them.
So I take these termination pills there, and the next day I get ready to go through hell. I take these contraction pills. 4 hours later I’m in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m very stoic about pain but I was moaning, rocking back and forth- this was unbearable and surreal. The whole time I can feel these massive clumps pouring out of me.
Finally the band of pain vanishes and it feels like there’s a dirty old pear in my pants. I go to the bathroom and pass this massive clot. At the top of it is the fetus. I know they say you’re not supposed to be able to see it, but it’s right fucking there in the toilet water.
So I fish it out. And I am holding this thing and staring at it. The whole length of the head and torso is the size of my thumb, and its got these tiny arms and legs with little nubs on the end that ain’t hardly even fingers yet. It had these fucking eyeballs I’ll never forget, they were like baby goldfish eyes, just these big gooey black eyes with no eyelids.
Anyways, I put it on this little toilet paper bed on the countertop. And I’m catching my thoughts up for a second because even though I’m very pro-choice and don’t feel guilty about it, it’s still a tiny meatling that was only like 6 months off from being a real person. It’s heavy.
Anyways I relax a bit. I decide it seems right to maybe bury it. I go to pick it back up and I fucking smear this thing’s head. I’m holding this tiny fetus body with this head I just completely smushed like what the fuck. So I just threw it back in the toilet and flushed it all.
A couple years ago, I spent the entire day picking at the inside of my belly button. All my life there was this sort of “end” of my belly button that I would never fuck with, but this day I went deep inside that shit for some reason.
I picked and picked at that little back piece of my belly button and it started coming loose. I was freaking the fuck out! I finally discovered this fucking gem in my belly button and I couldn’t fucking wait to see what it looked like.
I pulled the shit out and what came out was this gross, black rock. So I brought it over to my mom while she was in the middle of a conversation with my aunt and I’m just like “Yo, look at this shit. This shit came out of me.”
And then she laughed and I put it behind a picture frame. A few days later she threw it out and I was pissed.
We were doing fetal pig dissections in biology class. It was my job to remove the brain, so I guess as I was cutting through the skull, a piece of the bone flew off and into my mouth. I, of course, didn’t notice until about an hour later, when I was kinda weirded out I could still taste and smell the formaldehyde. Then I found a chunk of flat bone in the corner of my mouth, freaked out, and just swallowed it…
After chugging 12 Miller Lites at my friend’s house, I decided it would be a good idea to accentuate my buzz by taking a few puffs on the old peace pipe. Thing is, the weed made me nauseous, and I ended up having to run to the bathroom.
Once I got inside the bathroom, the puke was already on it’s way, so I chose the sink instead of the toilet. The only problem was that my stomach contained 144 ounces of beer, in addition to a few pieces of pepperoni pizza, which my stomach had converted to a red and yellow mush.
This pizza mush clogged up the tiny holes at the bottom of the sink, which I then filled with over a gallon of stomach beer. So what did I do? I scooped out the pizza mush with my bare hands, carried it over to the toilet without trying to drip too much, and eventually drained the sink. Then I went back out to the kitchen and had some more pizza and beer, because by that point the weed kicked in and I was starving.