1. “Are you dating anyone?”
Chances are that if you weren’t dating anyone last week, you probably aren’t dating anyone this week. You realize this is just another attempt by mom and dad to let you know that the only date you’ve been on in the past six months was with a bald, widowed, accountant named Doug who wore oversized khakis, comfort fit Sketchers, and had a weird, erotic obsession with birds.
2. “Have you ever considered marriage?”
You’ve been thinking about getting married since you “married” a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio in the first grade. Your parents officiated so you know they’re only asking to remind you that you’re 28, Leo is dating a German supermodel, your vagina is drying up faster than the Sahara, and they want grandchildren.
3. “Are you going to the gym today?”
You haven’t been to the gym in three weeks and you have no plans to go today, but you appreciate the subtle reminder that your family thinks your fat. Meanwhile, you feel like Jabba The Hutt because you just consumed 2000% of your daily calories on a Chipotle burrito you didn’t want. You know you’ll never be as thin as you were in high school, you just don’t like to be reminded of it.
4. “Why haven’t you accepted my Facebook friend request yet?”
You’ve been ignoring your parent’s Facebook messages, pokes, and friend requests for the past three weeks. This is largely an effort to avoid the inevitable 30-minute phone conversations where you explain that your status updates are meant to be ironic, and you don’t actually “want to die” because it’s Monday.
5. “Have you called your grandparents?”
You talk to your grandparents once a week, send them birthday cards, and visit them whenever you’re in Palm Beach. Regardless, your parents don’t miss an opportunity to make you feel guilty about the fact that “they won’t be around forever,” as if human mortality is somehow your fault or something you can fix.
6. “Can you explain Twitter to me again?”
You’ve already explained that Twitter is the status portion of Facebook, but since they don’t understand Facebook, they don’t understand Twitter. It’s a vicious cycle and you’d just rather not discuss any form of social media with them.
7. “What are your professional goals?”
You’re only a few years out of college, working for a non-profit, and considering graduate school but your parents don’t miss an opportunity to remind you that they spent a fortune on your education and you’re not a doctor, a lawyer, or rich.
8. “Are you having sex?”
You avoid the question by pre-empting it and quickly changing the subject. When they finally ask, you panic and quickly respond, “Are YOU having sex?” You immediately regret this, when the conversation turns into a seminar on “the orgasm after 50.”
9. “Are you gay?”
No. You’re just single. You’re glad to know people think you are though.
10. “Have you ever considered moving back home?”
You appreciate the offer until you remember that your bedroom was converted into a gym and your dad does yoga in his underwear every morning at 5:30 AM.