I can’t lie. I’m pretty drunk right now. Today [ed. note: not today] is Cinco de Mayo and while I’m not terribly interested in Mexican Dias de Los Whateveros, nothing beats a good excuse to put some back.
Except for one thing. I might lose my man, bro and person card after saying thing, but I hate day drinking: the loss of a good afternoon, the early-onset headache, the 7:30 p.m. all-body exhaustion. It’s miserable to me.
But I still do it. Because most of being a man is living a life you hate. (You think we want to get married?). So with summer [ed note: no longer the summer] coming up, and day drinking opportunities abounding, I’ve got pointers to make these alcoholic afternoon excursions as enjoyable as possible.
1. Wait: Yea. This seems pretty basic, but when groups get amped for drinking, they get AMPED for drinking. Fight the urge to join right away. If your friends want to start sucking back Coronas at noon, let them. Say you’ll be there. Then sit on your couch for an extra hour. Drink some water. Yea, you are lying to them. But remember, they’re getting drunk. Everyone will forget within 15 minutes that you were an hour-and-a-half late. And not care. But now, you’ve saved yourself from having to bong three Miller Chills to get the party started.
2. Take All The Shots: I’m guessing you were expecting something like pace yourself, but let’s be real. There’s no coming back from a good day bender, so you might as well embrace it. Plus, that will prevent the headache that comes from hours of being only slightly buzzed. Because you’ll be drunk. You won’t notice it. Come on. Just get blasted. When has being drunk not been fun?
3. Don’t Eat: This may also seem dumb. Like I said, I’ve been drinking. So maybe. But I think I’m right. You get buzzed and think a little snack will hit the spot. No. Food just makes you tired. And keeps you from drinking. And any time I take a pause from drinking, it basically ends my afternoon or evening. Food when you’re ready to call it a night. I guarantee it ain’t gonna make a difference. All the shit you know is a lie. It’ll sop up alcohol? Think about how stupid that sounds.
4. Also: Fuck water. There’s no room in the stomach for water. And this comes from a 29-year-old who despises hangovers. But I’d still rather have another beer than a glass of water during the day. So feel pathetic you need some Dasani because you’re a bit too buzzed for 4:15 p.m. You are.
5. Don’t Text: Sorry to keep the don’t party bumping, but real talk, you’re getting drunk during the day and will probably (ABSOLUTELY) get horny. But, unless you have a girlfriend, you won’t be able to convince anyone to come have some casual early evening sex after you’ve been slobbing about a darkened bar. You think you’ll be able to. But you won’t. So put the phone away. You’ll feel better when you aren’t sheepishly scrolling through your texts tomorrow morning.
Wear a button down without an undershirt: They are mucho fun to undo while day drinking. It’s the perfect way to let people know how drunk you are. It’s a public breathalyzer.
6. CIGARETTES: Wah wah whatever lung cancer. Look, that’s not happening for a while. ‘least 30 years. And a Red Bull? All that sugar? No. If you want to stay awake and aware during a day of drinking, you’re going to need to rip some serious heats. Marlboro Lights, Camel Wides, don’t care what your choice is, just that you are getting a fix. And no matter how much people bitch, they are the only legal non-liquid pick-me-up in this martial law we call a country. Such bullshit.