I know it didn’t work out between us, and I know we weren’t right for each other, but I still want to thank you for what we did have. I want to thank you for letting me fall so hard for you, and for you falling so hard for me. I want to thank you for letting me be goofy and silly around you, and for not caring even an ounce about what I was wearing or how my hair looked. I want to thank you for supporting me every single day, and for doing your best to always be there for me, even when I made it difficult.
I want to thank you for everything, even though we weren’t right for each other.
I now understand that despite how happy we were together, and despite how right you felt in all of the right ways, we were never supposed to be permanent. We were temporary from the day you walked into my life. We were fleeting from the moment we first made eye contact, and from the first half moon smile you flashed at me from across the room. But even though you were never supposed to be with me long term, I still fell for you. And I still fell apart when our chapter ended. I still felt as though my whole world was caving in.
When our part was over, I couldn’t stop the what ifs and maybes that flooded my thoughts.I couldn’t seem to heal my bruised heart, because I couldn’t understand why we were wrong. My thoughts were still with you. I was still stuck on you. Even though I knew we weren’t right, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I didn’t want to give up our cozy little corner of the world; our corner that only we shared. I didn’t want to give up the possibilities that I thought we still had. And most of all, I didn’t want to let go of the happiness you brought me. I couldn’t imagine my life feeling so good without you in it.
You were never going to be my one and only, no matter how right you felt…I just couldn’t see it then.
I couldn’t think logically when butterflies filled my stomach and fire lit up my heart. My rose tinted view of you and me, and of everything you meant to me, prevented me from realizing that we weren’t right together. I couldn’t listen to the facts or the logic because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face the truth. I didn’t want the to believe it. I didn’t want to say goodbye to all of the goodness you brought into my life.. I thought that if it felt this good, it was right; it had to be right.
But I didn’t think about how it could’ve been better. I didn’t think that maybe if I said goodbye to something good, I would find something better. I didn’t realize that there was something missing; something so crucial, so essential. You see, I learned that the truth is, it’s not enough to be with someone you love. It’s not enough to simply be in love. When it’s real love, you won’t just fall for that person. You will also fall in love with yourself. When it’s lasting love, you will fall head over heels in love with who you are when you are with them. You will fall in love with who that person helps you to be and to become.
When we love someone it still isn’t always right. We can care about someone so infinitely much, yet they still might not be our person. They still might not be permanent. But you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe all of the little love stories are stepping stones into falling more in love with who you are. Maybe they are taking you to lasting happiness.
I didn’t want to let go of someone who was making me so happy, who was making me feel in love with life. But I forgot that I can be okay on my own; that I can still be happy on my own. I forgot that sometimes we have to say goodbye to something good and wait patiently for something better I followed my feelings, and followed my instincts, but I didn’t follow my heart. I didn’t fall in love with myself. I didn’t become closer to myself when I was with you. I changed in a way that I didn’t expect, trying to fit into a mold that I thought you would like.
And even though we were temporary, you still meant the world to me.
I was still crazy about you. And the fact that we were temporary doesn’t mean that I will forget all of the times that I laughed on the phone with you, or all of the times I hugged you so tightly with no intention of ever letting you go. I still remember your intensity and your strength, your excitement and your energy. I still miss all of those moments. I still remember every little thing.
And though we didn’t last, what he had still matters. It still changed my life. You still changed my life. And now I know that I have to be with someone who helps me to be even more myself. I have to be with someone who makes me feel lighter, and more free. I need to be with someone who challenges me to accept myself, just as I am. I need to fall for someone who I love being around because I love who I am when I am with them.
Now I know that I have to fall in love with someone who allows me fall in love with myself.