You heal from him by deciding to wake up every morning. Even if, for a while, you don’t even make it out of bed. But by still waking up, even though he’s not beside you, you’ve already made the choice to not let him keep you down. By still waking up, and having the bravery to face what could be ahead of you, you’re choosing yourself instead of him.
You heal from him in moments, in small things, in little firsts. Like, the first time you have dinner that isn’t just a wine bottle and sobs. The first time you go out for coffee and his name doesn’t pass your lips. The first time you smile at someone new and don’t feel regret or guilt. The first time you sleep soundly and without nightmares. The first time you go most of a day without missing him.
You heal from him by acknowledging he hurt you in the first place. You look at the moments where he made you feel small, or unheard, or cracked, or unloved. You dissect them, break them open, examine each little bit and fibre and molecule of why things were maybe not what they seemed. You look at them, and you realize and say out loud, “He wasn’t as perfect as I thought.”
You heal from him by acknowledging that you weren’t perfect either. That you are also flawed, and difficult, and can be less than enough. You recognize your own shortcomings and your own cracks that lead you to this place. And after putting yourself under a microscope for examination, you decide to be better. For others, yes. But mostly for yourself.
You heal from him by actively choosing to let him go. By refusing to linger, to obsess, to fester after you’ve looked at him and yourself and what was. You don’t keep picking at the wound; you leave it alone. You don’t keep nagging at the hurt; you let it be. You say enough is enough, and you turn your back and you let things go.
You heal from him by giving yourself time. By accepting that healing isn’t a race, and that there’s not a set course to follow. By allowing yourself to grieve and to have ups and downs and good days and bad days. By soothing yourself for the days when you aren’t as strong, and cheering for yourself on the days when you are. But by remembering that there’s no one size fits all guide to healing, and your roadmap is yours and yours alone.
You heal from him by forgiving. Not forgetting, but saying that it’s okay. But that you’re okay. And furthermore, that you know you’ll be okay.
You heal from him by remembering you loved him. By remembering the things about him that were enough, and were more than enough. By remembering the promises you made and the smiles that he caused. By remembering that the part of you that loved him would be disappointed in you both for hurting each other yes, but it would also be disappointed to see you refusing to be the versions of yourselves that are happy. That are free. That are healed.