1. Away you three-inch fool!

This sentence is a vicious attack on a man’s confidence and in modern times it’d sound something like “Get out of my sight you tiny penis having chump!” Words can hurt. Sticks and stones will break your bones but an itty-bitty penis comment will eat away at you like cancer. If you’re looking to land a devastating blow, this is your balled up, brass knuckle decorated fist.

2. I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets.

How cold blooded would it be to tell a friend to settle for whatever they can get. This is the same as saying “No offense, but you should probably date anyone who is interested because you’re not exactly a catch.” Ouch, you may as well save some syllables and say “Beggars can’t be choosers, ugly.”

3. You scullion. You rampallian. You fustilarian. I’ll tickle your catastrophe.

2014 adaptation: “You trick. You mark. You mark ass trick. You trick ass mark. You punk bitch. You skip scap skank. You scallywag. You ho. You  heffer. You hee haw. You hoolie hoo. I’m going to laugh when you get the horrible karma you deserve in life.“

4. Villain, I have done thy mother.

This is a straight to the point mom joke, and not so much a witticism as a “I banged your mom, deal with it, you candy-ass jabroni.” type statement.

5. I will bite my thumb at them, which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

*Holds up middle finger* COME AT ME, BRO. Yeah, that’s what I thought, pussy!

6. Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit, for I am sick when I do look on thee.

That’s the equivalent of saying “Look, don’t test my patience because I already can’t stand your existence.”

7. They lie deadly that tell you you have good faces.

“I don’t know who lied and boosted your ego, honey, but you aren’t cute.”

8. Thou art the son & heir of a mongrel bitch.

Let’s face it — this is ten times better than our watered down, lazy “Son of a bitch.” With this phrase, you’re not just the son of a bitch, you’re the heir of that bitch. Also, that bitch isn’t a regular bitch, it’s a mongrel bitch.

9. Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

Translation: You belong in the underworld or at a DMV, anywhere else is more pleasant than you deserve.

10. Away you moldy rogue, away!

This is like a quick “Scram, scumbag!” This brief statement has great potential if you’re looking to shoo away a pickup artist at the bar or a pesky Internet troll. It’s well under 140 characters, which makes for a perfect response to any obnoxious tweets sent your way.

11. I do desire we may be better strangers.

Oh snap, basically this is saying “We don’t need to be friends and to be honest I’d rather we don’t interact at all, ever.” It’s a fairly blunt statement, but sometimes thou must keepest it real.

12. I wonder that you will still be talking. Nobody marks you.

Nowadays we would say “Are you seriously still talking? Feel free to stop because no one’s listening.” That’s fine, but the Shakespearean way sounds a lot cooler and it’d be awesome to see a group of bros at the bar trade in their STFUs for a solid, “Nobody marks you.”

13. The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! Where got’st thou that goose look?

Modern version = Get a tan you pasty betch*. You look like a Twilight character who worked a 1,200-hour** shift at a bakery*** that has no windows or any type of opening for so much as a glimmer of sunlight to get in. 

*Mispronunciation of the word “bitch” that is commonly used today.
**Twilight vampires don’t need sleep, so a 1200-hour bakery shift would be a cakewalk.
***Because bakers get covered in flour.

14. Thou art a boil. A plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood.

A wordy way of saying, “You’re a leech.” I drop this every time someone conveniently forgets their wallet when the check arrives, or asks to use my laptop.

15. A fusty nut with no kernel.

You know what this is hinting at – it’s like saying someone’s a few channels away from the deluxe package. A few episodes short of a season. A few letters short of a complete sente

16. Methinks thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon you.

“You’re horrible and you deserve the worst.” This sounds like a retro version of what internet commenters say about Kanye West or Justin Bieber, but I think we should save this kind of verbal lashing for greatest offenders and worst enemies. Also, it’s super fun to say “methinks” so at the very least, consider adding that word to your vocabulary.

17. More of your conversation would infect my brain.

Basically: “Talking to you is making me dumber by the sentence.” The thought of having a discussion with someone so unintelligent that their words are giving your brain cells a fast acting flu that kills them almost instantly is one thing, but to tell a person their talking is responsible for the virus is another. Doeth thou command soothing ointment for thy blistering Shakespeare burn?