1. Stalking in dating?

Rob Fee: The term “stalker” is thrown around way too loosely. I have friends who will say, “Ugh, this guy is such a stalker. He won’t stop texting me and asking to hang out!” Then I’ll look at her phone and it’s pages of flirtatious texts between the two of them. Yeah, it’s crazy that this guy who you talk with constantly is under the impression that you enjoy talking to him. It’s not exclusive to gender either. Just examine how much attention you’re giving before labeling someone a stalker.

Christopher Hudspeth: We should probably stick to the dictionary definition of stalker — a person following someone stealthily, harassing and pursuing unkindly — like a creepy, delinquent ninja. However, “emotionally dependent” is the definition of ‘clingy’ – a word that’s seemingly been dismissed and inaccurately replaced by “stalker” these days. So to answer your question, I guess if I like, found someone hiding in the bushes watching me shovel scoops of dry cereal in my mouth on a Wednesday afternoon, I’d probably call them a stalker. I’d be flattered though.

2. Special text buddy or future lover?

Fee: I have several friends, both male and female that I text all the time with no sexual or relationship expectations whatsoever. I know this is crazy, but you can have friends of the opposite gender that you don’t want to penetrate. Occasionally, and I know this is a shocker, there are times that I’ll even hang out with female friends and I don’t even try to finger them. Can you imagine?

Hudspeth: Texting buddies are the new pen pals and constant exchanging messages could be symptomatic of some extracurricular feelings, but it could also mean absolutely nothing at all. Often it’s the topic of your discussion that helps decipher the difference. I mean, I’ve got unlimited texting so I adopted that buffet mindset and tend to text anyone and everyone as often and as quickly as possible, because limitless.

3. Social media love.

Fee: I follow Weird Al Yankovic on Twitter and I can promise you it wasn’t because I secretly want him to love me. We are dating now, but that has nothing to do with Twitter.

Hudspeth: Well that’s a perfect example of the word “stalking” being thrown around, but to answer this question in 140 characters or less: no.

4. Reading the shy ones.

Fee: I was terrified of girls in high school. I asked a girl to go on a date with me and hung up before she could answer because I got too scared. How did I think that was a good plan? WILL YOU DATE ME-*dial tone* If there’s a guy that you suspect likes you, but you think he’s shy, initiate a conversation and see how he responds. I’m not saying start dry humping his leg, but just feel him out and see how he responds. His shyness is usually rooted in a fear of rejection, so if he feels like he has a shot, it’ll be more likely to be taken.

Hudspeth: Oh, wow, well as a former timid guy who was devastated when sending a friend to talk to your crush for you became a frowned upon taboo by high school, I know how hard it can be to identify this kind. I wrote 10 Ways Shy People Flirt so I’ll leave that there for you. Also, shy guys are somewhat of an acquired taste so if that’s what you’re attracted to you’ve got to have no qualms with making the first move.

5. Staring is caring.

Fee: Sounds like he has a lazy eye and may not be staring at you intentionally. The fact that he stares at you while talking to other girls is just bizarre. Most weird guys who just stare at you creepily and never talk to you don’t turn out to be Edward Cullen.

Hudspeth: Sometimes I’m daydreaming about a really good lunch I had a few years back or wondering what ever happened to my Space Jam DVD and I’ll stare in a general direction for a while until I realize I’m being gazed back at by some freaked out individual across the room. This happens to me a lot. Either the person being described suffers from the same zone out staring issues as me or as Rob mentioned, he considers Twilight Edward’s methods of ogling Bella a viable means of flirtation.

6. Pickup lines.

Fee: Kids, gather around and let me tell you the story of how I met your father. We were at the club and I was sweating like a pig, so I went over to the bar to do some Jell-O shots. All of a sudden this guy in a snug Affliction shirt walked up behind me and said, “If I was a monkey and you were a tree I would have been climbing on you all day and night.” Well right then and there I knew I wanted to be with him forever. Who was that quote from? Shakespeare? Tolstoy? Whatever the case, in that moment I knew I wanted our bathroom to be filled with Ed Hardy his and her matching towels one day, and that’s just what happened!

Hudspeth: Damn girl are you a really good credit card deal? Because you seem to have low interest but I really want to be naughty & irresponsible with you. Probably don’t actually say any of that in real life, ever.

7. Hey, friend — what’cha got going on under all those clothes?

Fee: Is he familiar with a little invention lion and you were a zookeeper, I’d misbehave just so you’d tame me known as the internet? There are at least a dozen of pictures of naked girls on there that don’t require you to make such bizarre requests from your friends. How would this exchange go, anyway? You walk out naked, he stares for a minute of two and says, “All done. Thanks!” then you go to Burger King?

Hudspeth: No, no, no. A strange but unique request would be: Can you take me to the airport, I’m not flying or anything, I just want to eat lunch there. This dude’s request is beyond peculiar, unless all my friends have been asking to see each other naked and I’ve been excluded from it all these years. Let’s look at the facts here:

1. Your friend wants to see you naked.
2. You kind of want to be seen naked by your friend.

You two need to find a private place, play some R&B and do/see all of the activities/parts you’d like to do/see with/on each other.

8. WHERE R U?!!

Fee: So you hung out, had fun, then asked him if he also had fun, he said yes, and now you’re wondering what’s wrong? He even said he had a busy morning, so stop overthinking it or you’re going to ruin any chance of a relationship. I’m not saying be a doormat and make yourself available only on his schedule, but just take a deep breath and relax for a moment. I went out with this girl once and she was really cool. We had a great time, but I told her that I had a really busy day of work the next morning. She text me, “Good morning!” after I had been at work for an hour. I was in a room with no service and didn’t get the text until several hours later. By then, she had sent a dozen texts, each one more angry than the last yelling at me for not respecting her and that if I couldn’t tell her good morning then I must not really like her as much as I let on. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last long.

Hudspeth: Don’t hit the panic button just yet – and by panic button, I mean sending him that angry emoji with the red face and slanted brows.  Whether he’s got a hectic day as he said he would or he’s taking a while to respond on purpose to avoid seeming desperate himself, it’s always wise to tell your mind to shut up and keep going about your day instead of killing your battery checking for a response every few minutes.

Be forewarned, your phone is going to jingle several hundred times as you await a response, but it’ll be EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN YOUR NUMBER TO IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE except for the person you’re anticipating hearing from. This is like the universe’s way of pranking us.

9. Sexual statistics.

Fee: You should never feel that you need more or less sexual partners in order to feel adequate. It’s your decision and it’s no one else’s business.

Hudspeth: Exactly what Rob said but I’ll make this comparison:

Some people like dieting so they only eat a couple slices of pizza, but me? I want pizza until the entire confection is gone or I’m in a great deal of physical pain. Should you feel bummed about only having two slices? Actually, yes you probably should, so this was a bad example, but you get the point here – opinions of sexual partner statistics should be entirely dependent on the individual.

10. Larger sexual statistics.

Fee: I’ve never had one, but do your thing, girl. Just be sure to use protection because you don’t want 19 babies along with 19 different types of herpes.

Hudspeth: See, girl from the previous question, numbers vary. I personally haven’t had one either, unless you count the time when I was in New York and ordered a large pizza to my hotel, from an establishment I’d never met. I ate the whole thing (I used protection AKA napkins) before falling asleep and tossing the box out in the morning… So, yeah, if there’s one thing we’ve learned here today it’s that pizza is a terrible metaphor for sex.