4:00am or earlier
Let’s see, you probably hate Marimba, or whatever jingle is currently being used as your alarm. You’re being held by the man’s dream killing clench that has you working a job you hate; but you need food, water, electricity and a roof over your head so you’re currently stuck showing up for shifts that begin before the rooster crows. You’re in dire need a hug, but you’re too tired and irritable to request or accept one, so you just continue living vicariously through Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love until you win the lottery or muster up the funds/courage to find a new gig.
You’re probably visiting several of those 4am risers at their jobs, many of whom are the baristas who will hook you up with your morning coffee before you head off to start your own shift. You can’t be too much happier about the time your day is beginning than they are, but if you’re toughing it out, that indicates you’re a responsible person who takes care of business, regardless of schedule sexiness. That, or you simply prefer to get things done early: the gym, class, work or whatever summons your attention. This shows great discipline, as it’s no easy task to willingly decide to start your day at a time that will call for grandma-esque bedtimes the night before.
You’re a Today show fan? You’re a high schooler getting ready for class? You’re a diehard Charmed fan who rises to watch syndicated episodes daily on TNT? One of those, or you’re that person who doesn’t have anywhere to be until 2-3 hours after you wake, but chooses to rise at this time to slowly and methodically prepare yourself. Getting up way early to make time for doing your hair, makeup, etc. is a slap in the collective, confused face of everyone who is struggling to exit their warm, snuggly bed.
You’re the vast majority of people working 9-5 jobs, and let’s be honest here, depending on how far away you live from your work, a lot of the time you’re not waking up until anywhere from 15-30 minutes before your shift begins. Because you probably have a 40-hour-a-week gig, your life may be a little dull or lacking adventure, and you often find your responsible side kicking your spontaneous side in the throat.
If you’re in one of those phases where you stay up until 2 or 3am indulging in the pure glory of nothingness, well 10am is the perfect hour to rise. It’s still early enough that you can eat a meal and legitimately call it breakfast, while not feeling bad about yourself. Also, the 2-3am thing probably isn’t a phase, so much as it is a lifestyle. Perhaps you come alive creatively or socially at night, and have chosen to join the dark side.
You don’t like McDonalds breakfast apparently, because it’s no longer serving by the time you get up, which is McNever a good sign. Unless you work night shifts, in which case you get a pass from these next few points, you should probably be waking up before 11am on most days.
It is against your religion to go to sleep the same day you woke up, which is why you constantly run into night owl problems and have your fair share of up ‘til 5am shenanigans. You watch your television, raid your pantry, read your Thought Catalog and enjoy the still of the night so much that it minimizes your relationship with daylight.
1:00pm or later
You don’t have a job or school or even a hobby that you’re passionate about because 1:00pm has never met ambition. My friend, c’mon, even those with minimal motivation wake up around noon. You are beginning your day when many 9-5ers are taking their lunch breaks. By this time, the Today show has been off for a couple hours and you didn’t even wake in time for Kathie Lee & Hoda’s fourth hour, shame on you.
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