(March 21st to April 19th)
Aries are the kind of crazy ex who becomes increasingly reckless after a breakup. Their personal loss has them feeling sluggish but instead of laying on the couch watching Sex and the City reruns and binge eating burritos like a normal person, they crave exciting distractions to distance themselves from their negative emotions. If one of your exes has suddenly bought a motorcycle, started experimenting with new drugs or developed an interest in bouldering — they are likely an Aries.
(April 20th to May 21st)
Taurus are the kind of crazy ex you never hear from again, but who make broad sweeping changes in their life afterwards. They cut out mutual friends without saying goodbye and punish their next potential partner by making them jump through a hundred hoops before they’ll commit or open up. Once they’ve been hurt, they’re tempted to close down and not give anyone the opportunity to do this to them ever again.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
Gemini are the kind crazy ex who make important life decisions based on feeling shitty about themselves post-breakup. They’ll cut off all their hair or move to a new country or decide that now is the right time to quit their day job to pursue their art full time. The thing Gemini are best at is passion, so when they feel shitty they want to combat it by getting excited about something new. That guy you broke up with who seemingly changed personalities and became a gym bro the next day, who’s always Instagramming his protein shakes? Gemini.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Cancers are the kind of crazy ex who become extremely slutty (but only towards their ex). They miss the person they loved, they’re hurt and they want to a) recapture the good feelings they used to have and b) show their ex what they are missing with someone who can love them as deeply as a Cancer can. So they end up having a lot of very confusing break-up sex (which in their minds is make-up sex). If you have an ex that suddenly became hyper-sexual after you rejected them, they are likely a Cancer.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
A Leo is the kind of crazy ex who starts posting everything cool they do on social media in an effort to convince everyone around them that they’re sooooo much better off. They miss the attention and affection they got from their relationship, and they need to fill that void somehow. They know they’re being a bit of an exhibitionist (and kind of needy, tbh) but they can’t help themselves.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
A Virgo is the kind of crazy ex who will methodically figure out how to ruin your life (and probably do it). They have all the skills they need: intelligence, focus, problem-solving — and a nasty breakup gives them the single-minded desire. And because they’re so, well, Virgo you won’t even know they’re a crazy ex. One day your life will just fall apart and you’ll never know that someone was the mastermind behind the whole thing.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
A Libra is the kind of crazy ex who goes out of their way to win over your mutual friends. When you started the relationship, you may not have had any mutual friends, but when you leave it rest assured that your friends will forever probably like the Libra better. Libras are amazing at people, and their favorite way to say “fuck you” is to make the people you like love them more.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
A Scorpio is the kind of crazy ex who gets straight up aggressive about you leaving them. They’ll leave ‘wtf’ comments on your social media and trash you to mutual friends. In their mind, no one hurts a Scorpio, so they have to fight (what they perceive as) fire, with fire.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
A Sagittarius is the kind of crazy ex who never mentions the breakup ever again, like a complete psycho. Sagittarians pride themselves on not being overly emotional, they don’t brood over broken relationships for long. To others, this seems bizarre to the point of disordered, but it’s an earnest expression of their personality to cut ties and move on in a practical fashion.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
A Capricorn is the kind of crazy ex who will try to make you feel guilty for moving on. They’ll invent reasons to keep you in their life — you owe $7.22 from your share of the electricity bill, you RSVP-ed to a cousin’s wedding as their plus one, you left half a box of tea behind at their apartment — and then they’ll use their in person time to guilt you into reconciling with them. More than any other type, Capricorns are prone to on-again, off-again relationships. They can drop their cold exterior and pretend to be chill and fun-loving long enough to lure someone back, but it always ends up with the same result.
(January 21st to February 18th)
An Aquarius is the kind of crazy ex who finds someone else to take care of, and becomes obsessed with their new pet project. Big-hearted Aquarians can’t stand to be without an object of their love. They are masters of the rebound relationship. If you have an ex that met someone literally five minutes after your breakup and you can’t figure out why they even like this new person in the first place — they’re an Aquarius.
(February 19th to March 20th)
A Pisces is the kind of crazy ex who makes you their muse. You’ll read about yourself in their stories, or see bits of your personality in their artwork. Creative Pisces channels all their feelings into their craft, and breaking up is no different. If you’ve had an ex write an about you on the internet, they’re probably a Pisces.