Finally letting go of you and putting you in my past, was one of the greatest decisions in life I have made. Getting the strength to block your phone number, no longer looking at your social media and taking your clothes out of my closet were some of the most difficult, but most rewarding things that I have ever done. It was time to put you behind me; I think everyone could agree with that. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not left to pick up the pieces, the scars and the damage that you left me with.
You broke me. You left me broken and confused, time and time again. No matter what I did or how much I loved you, you always found a way to point out every little thing I did wrong and make me feel worthless. No matter how much I fought for you, it was never enough. There wasn’t a single thing that I could do to make you want to stay. There wasn’t anything that I could do to get you to fight for me in the same way that I consistently fought for you.
You left me lost. Every single time you left me, I was stuck trying to figure out how to carry on. There was never any closure. There weren’t any answers. You didn’t give me a clue as to why this had to have this outcome. Every time you left me, it was out of nowhere. And every time that you left, it was worse than the time before.
You left me without a clue how to love. How on earth am I supposed to know what a stable relationship looks like when ours was the most unstable thing anyone could ever be a part of? How am I supposed to know what it’s even like for someone to have good intentions when all I’ve ever seen is how wrong someone’s can be? You left me believing that you loved me. You manipulated me into thinking this is what love was supposed to be like and everything that went wrong was my fault. How am I supposed to have a clue what love is?
I don’t know how to let anyone in. The thought of ever again letting someone know and understand me to my core in the way that you did is terrifying. How could it ever be possible to show someone those sides of me just to give them the potential to break me in the way that you did? How could I ever give someone the power to destroy me in seconds, with just a couple of words? How could I let someone have the hold on me that you had?
I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified to let someone in the way that I did with you. I’m scared to love and I’m petrified of the thought that someone could ever hurt me in even half of the way that you did. I gave you all of me, and you destroyed every bit of it. Putting myself back together has been an immense amount of work and one of the hardest things that I have ever had to done. The thought of doing it all over again is one of my worst nightmares.
I am finally free of you, but there are so many scars that are still left behind.