1. Women trying to sell pyramid scheme weight loss crap.
I don’t know exactly when it started, but at a certain point, Facebook became less a place to share personal anecdotes for some people, and more a place to hawk your fat-binding wraps that magically shrink your waist by three inches. (I think this is called a corset, and I don’t actually think it results in any weight loss, for what it’s worth.) Either way, this snake oil weight loss industry, that manifests in pills, wraps, powder, drinks, and even questionable moisturizers, seem like the 2015 version of Mary Kay. Except, instead of harmless cosmetics, some of these products seem like they result in irritable bowel syndrome or hives.
2. People who engage in twenty-tweet-long conversations with you included for no reason.
Maybe there was a reason to @ the person at the very beginning of this. But when you and your friend break off into a conversation about how much you need to hang out, or dumb pop culture jokes, or some sort of story only the two of you are aware of, do the right thing and stop @’ing the person who hasn’t been involved in the conversation for four tweets. Would you just continue talking loudly at a party with a person standing awkwardly in the middle of you? I hope not, I hope you’d move to the snack table like a decent human. So don’t do it on Twitter, either.
3. Guys on Instagram who only exist to leave thirsty comments.
Every time I see a guy leaving an absolutely atrocious comment on some random chick’s vacation photo, I am overwhelmed with the urge to call their mothers. (To be fair, the same goes for the teenage girls who @ Ed Sheeran with things like “spit in my mouth daddy,” but they honestly seem more funny and less like they might actually murder the object of their affection.) At the end of the day, though, all of these people need Jesus.
4. Men who search keywords related to feminism to argue in your mentions.
Do they really have nothing better to do than repeatedly type in “misogyny,” “sexism,” or even “women,” only to pop up in the tweeter’s mentions to argue with them about the textbook definition of oppression? Actually, you know what, don’t answer that. (But do answer why all of them have Twitter names like @WolfMind. I’d love to know the creative process there.)
5. Couples who don’t know how to edit their online affection.
No one wants 100 photos of your wedding, or your engagement story, or your honeymoon, or the time you made crock pot buffalo chicken last week. Take a lesson from Instagram and edit your presence. A few choice shots go a long way. (Besides, you always want to leave while the party is bangin, and I estimate that the Facebook love party stops being bangin around photo five.)
6. People whose entire lives have become their new diets.
I mean it when I say that I’m genuinely happy for people when they find a new eating habit that provides more fulfillment and happiness to their everyday life – and I’ve even written on this very site about my own journey into eating better this year. But it does feel a bit unfortunate when said eating habit becomes a defining personality trait, and someone who was once posting a robust variety of content about various aspects of their life is now limited to talking about all of the thrilling ways cauliflower can replace chicken (it cannot).
7. People who talk about the evils of social media while actively engaging in it.
No one wants your long-winded status updates about why you’re taking a pause from social media, or see your dumb comic strips about how technology is the worst thing to happen to humans in the past 100 years including the Holocaust, and how none of us are capable of experiencing real emotion anymore because we’re all caught up in our screens. If you don’t like social media, leave it. And no need to make huge proclamations about how you’re ~unplugging~. Just close the door behind you and get on with your life, just like all of the people who are capable of having a Twitter and also being a normal human who spends time with their family. If you can’t multitask, no one else cares.