1. A greater proportion of people who are like “My little baby is all ready for her first day at kindergarten!!” than “Ugh, first day back at school,” accompanied by a picture of textbooks.
2. Steady streams of baby/toddler photos — always the same, even dozens of the same photo from the same person — that you feel almost guilted into liking because not liking it seems to imply that you don’t like them/their child??? (And to be honest, what IS a child if not a reliable source of Facebook likes, but still, you don’t want to lie and approve of the 45th picture of them eating yogurt this month when really you couldn’t care less.)
3. People who have no discernible job or source of income who are constantly posting about the music festivals they are going to, to the point that you just want to be like “MUST BE NICE GROWING WHITE PERSON DREADS AND LIVING YOUR LIFE IN A BUS, SUCKS SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO GO TO WORK.”
4. People who constantly share pseudoscientific articles from websites like mothernatureiscrying.net about how you’re basically a terrorist if you eat at Wendy’s occasionally, and how every form of plastic causes cancer.
5. That one guy whose job description on his profile is like “Saving the World at Myself,” whose pictures are either him giving a thumbs up on a ruin in South America or posing with an impoverished child of undetermined ethnic origin.
6. People you went to high school with who are posing for photos in front of their freshly-purchased house, with two SUVs parked in the driveway and a child on the way, who genuinely feel like they live on some different, scary planet.
7. Really opinionated people who have become so entrenched in their opinions by their mid-20s that they will have full-on Facebook status blowouts about a current event, where they respond in three-paragraph chunks and cite sources in response to this guy who is a friend of their friend. (Meanwhile, the mutual friend whose status it is has to sit silently while two people who don’t know each other spar to the death and they are bombarded with notifications.)
8. Incredibly emotional/TMI statuses about serious breakups/life obstacles that you can’t “like” because who would like that, but clearly they are a cry for help, so you have to do something?? (This guy I know has recently been posting a lot of statuses about his #DivorceLife and will make these weird quips about hanging out on a Friday night filling out divorce papers and you’re like, umm, bruh.)
9. Young moms who only communicate in the form of sharing inspirational videos about rescue dogs and/or articles about how tough it is to be a mom that they tag all of their mom friends in and are like “Only you guys will get this tee hee!”
10. That one person who is always inexplicably traveling somewhere chic and expensive, and you’re caught simultaneously lusting after their gorgeous photos and resenting them because why are they not struggling in the way one should be in their mid-20s?
11. People who constantly take photos of their homemade food but for some reason, despite taking time to prepare, photograph, and share said food, refuse to take a decent picture. Like they are clearly a next-level home chef, but every photo they take is in the dark with flash on, or has terrible, yellowed lighting that makes their food look like the last, congealed piece of meatloaf under a public school heat lamp.
12. That one person who is constantly complaining about how hard they work and how busy they are and how much they love their job but how much of a #grind it is. We get it, you get off on feeling busier and more important than everyone else. You can stop now.
13. The couple who believes that “getting serious” means “fusing into one person on social media” and whose entire profiles/statuses/photos/online lives devolve into one giant liveblog of their relationship. Every profile picture is the two of them, every status is about the aMaZinG wInE they are enjoying on dAtE nIgHt, and when they get engaged, it’s time to silence them for good, because every word they utter from here on out will be “place settings” or “cake tasting.” They are a lost cause, don’t try to help them.