1. On a scale from one to drunkenly dropping a slice of pizza on a city curb, cheese-down, and still eating it while your friends try to stop you, how disgusting are your sample applicators? Be honest.
2. Why are brushes a trillion dollars?
3. Why do I need a brush for foundation? I am not contouring myself into being a different person, fingers are a perfectly acceptable application system for tinted moisturizer.
4. Can you please give your salesgirls training that does not consist of “harass customers until they feel that their face is beyond saving, and they need a three-step process just to get their base makeup on?”
5. Can I please have fifty samples of Coco Mademoiselle, because I am not spending 70 dollars on smelling like a fancy secretary?
6. Why do so many of your moisturizers cost upwards of 50 dollars, like in all honesty, who is buying that shit?
7. Can a girl just breathe — and touch her makeup up in the store on her lunch break without the intention of buying anything — in peace?
8. How are you guys pretending like that Skin ID thing works? Because that shit is clearly a scam.
9. Why do manufacturers of foundation assume that everyone is has the complexion of a Kardashian?
10. How much money does one really need to spend on eye makeup primer?
11. What is the name of the hormone you are pumping through the ventilation system that enables someone to go in with the intention of purchasing one (1) unit of lip stain, and exiting with a basket full of 200 dollars’ worth of shit they don’t need?
12. Can you stop endorsing contouring? It is ruining society. We can’t all pretend to have nose jobs all the time.
13. I know why you do this, but still I must ask, why do you love torturing us with the impulse buys in the checkout line? My life is a blur of moisturized wipes I have never used and “facial spray.”
14. Why must you keep marketing lipstick as though it were a product that everyone can wear, and not the kind of face paint that can easily make most people look like a sexy clown?
15. Why must every otherwise-functional product have a sparkly version of it? Who is wearing sparkly mascara? Does that girl exist, and if so, does she live in this city, and shop at this Sephora?
16. Has anyone ever actually accumulated enough Beauty Insider points to get something worth having? Has anyone ever purchased the Naked palette with BI points?
17. Can everyone in your store get out of my face for five minutes, or at least coordinate so that you don’t have another salesperson pop out at you every time you move 5 feet like you’re in a first-person shooter?
18. Who are the girls who do “Sephora hauls?” Do all Sephora employees hate them as much as I hope they do?
19. Is there an option for “lotion for normal people who are neither millionaires, nor looking to slather their face in a pudding made of parabens?” I vote that there be a new section for the paupers who still have a few standards. Can we have that section?