1. Say “females,” in pretty much any context other than biology class. No modern gentleman talks about how “females are all x or y” or how “he just doesn’t understand females.” He talks about women, just as he would talk about men.
2. Text a girl with the words “hey u up?” No. No, we are not up. No, we are not interested in answering your six-letter text message at 12:37 AM. Nothing good has ever come from this text — it’s never been “hey u up? well anyway i love u and i’d really like you to meet my parents for breakfast in seven hours bc they are coming 2 town. let’s make this a real thing. also, i bought u a new dress.”
3. Do a side part with the shaved sides. The Macklemore is not the cut of a gentleman. The Macklemore is the cut of a man who starts a song about Ireland with “I’m an Irishman” even though he is from Seattle.
4. Send a dick pic, unless they have SPECIFICALLY GOTTEN A REQUEST FOR A DICK PIC. No one wants your dick pic. There are many alternatives for a “sexy pic to get the girl interested,” and at the top of this list is the casual shot of you in a suit. The suit selfie is the gentleman’s dick pic. Just look at Diplo: he is at an eighth grade reading level at best, and here he is transformed from tank-top bro to international man of mystery:
(And yes, I realize this is a tux, but let’s not split hairs here.)
5. Talk shit about a girl they used to sleep with, especially in any way related to the fact that she slept with them. If she’s “easy,” you’re just as easy, and no one wants to hear all your bitter lemons feelings about a girl that didn’t work out. If you talk shit about her, what are you going to say about us?
6. Order their steaks anything above medium. We did not defeat the English and earn our freedom for you to eat rubbery ass steak. That is not a patriot’s steak.
7. Make fun of a girl for drinking “girly” drinks. First of all, they are delicious and you are just jealous that you have to suffer through neat whiskey while being in some gender-wide competition for “who can love whiskey the most,” while we get to drink what amounts to a 7/11 Slurpee that gets you hammered. Second of all, everyone should drink what they want, and whether a girl prefers an Old Fashioned or an Electric Lemonade is none of ya goddamn business. A modern gentleman simply asks what he can get for her.
8. Complain during a day of shopping. If you don’t want to go shopping, don’t go, but a gentleman doesn’t agree to go on the trip and then spend the day bitching and making fun of how dumb girl stores are. He sits on the puffy chairs in the corner whilst checking his phone and/or falling asleep, which is the right thing to do. (And he also gives honest opinions about the clothes she is trying on, and not just “yeah, ok, looks good.”)
9. Take pride in not knowing how to iron, get their suits tailored, or be genuinely domestic about their appearance. They know that a fresh, clean look is an integral part of masculinity, not something that makes it less than.
10. On that note, they don’t wear cutoff jorts, because this is not some Nickelodeon show about a ragtag bunch of city kids who spend their days getting into hilarious scraps down by the abandoned field, this is real goddamn life, and no one with a gentleman’s lifestyle should be seen in public in cutoff jorts.
11. Make fun of a girl for having “cliché” tattoos, particularly if you have tattoos yourself. Like, if “growing wings, learning to fly” or whatever, written on the inner wrist in the form of the infinity symbol, is worthy of scorn, so are all your cornball turn-of-the-century carnival tattoos of swallows and anchors and strongmen lifting up old-fashioned dumbells or whatever men are into these days. Modern gentlemen don’t judge tattoos, except for their own.
12. And in a similar vein, they don’t make judgments about the personal style of women that have nothing to do with them. They aren’t making memes about how ~gIrLs dOnT nEeD mAkEuP 2 b BeAuTiFuL~ or whatever tired statement no one asked for you feel compelled to make. They have their personal preferences, and no one is forcing them to be with a girl whose style they don’t like, but they have better things to do with their time than tell random girls what they’re interested in banging.
13. Sit around after with a smug, full face after dinner while everyone else picks up dishes around them. They are out there with a broom, looking sexy as hell in their apron while they lend a hand.
14. Drop names. Knowing someone more important than you in any capacity only proves that you are less important.
15. Give out business cards in a romantic context. No one needs to know that you are a Senior Accounts Manager in order to be interested in your D, it’s a tryhard move. Giving someone a business card to ask them out is the equivalent of throwing your roommate an elaborate surprise party to ask them to take out the recycling.
16. Make connections with strangers on LinkedIn. Step up your LinkedIn game, because the gentlemen are out here showing you up with their impeccable networking skills.
17. Let the fact that they own a cellphone stop them from investing in a good watch. The cruel hands of society have made it so that men’s avenues in accessory-related expression are limited, but a good timepiece is one of the most important aesthetic investments a man can make, and cellphones should not stop that. Besides, checking the time on your watch is the ultimate subtly classy move. Who would want to miss out on that free opportunity for sex appeal?