1. “Don’t make an ass of yourself on this machine, play it cool. Play it cool. You can figure it out as you go.” [Machine slams and everyone looks] “Shit shit shit shit.”
2. “Sweet, only 26 more minutes on this elliptical and I’ll have worked off that one cookie I ate four hours ago. Working out is so awesome.”
3. [Spends twenty minutes scrolling through your “Workout Playlist” while hogging the machine, and five minutes actually working out.]
4. “Why does that girl have cute shoes? Why are my shoes so ugly and sad? Why do I have the puffy nerd running shoes? Is having cute gym shoes a thing now?”
5. “I’m tired as hell. I really should have had a Luna bar before doing this. I need to remember to carb up before I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes, can’t wear myself out.”
6. “Am I toning or building mass? TONING OR BUILDING MASS?!”
7. “Gonna need all these gross bros to stop grunting on the weight machines. The patriarchy is a little too strong in this room.”
8. “Except hot Chris Evans man. He can grunt all day if he wants to.”
9. “Right, bitch, you really needed to do your adorable-ass Lululemon squats right in the middle of the floor next to my sweaty papaya face trying to stretch.”
10. “I should really do yoga.”
11. [Casually glances at the readout screen of the elliptical next to you.]
12. [Gets irrationally offended when someone casually glances at your screen.]
13. “Only a trillion squats away from my dream ass, I can do this.”
14. “Am I the only woman who doesn’t enjoy walking around naked for no reason in the locker room? Like, is blow-drying my hair buck naked a part of life I am not living to the fullest right now?”
15. “I am gonna eat hella cheese fries tonight. I deserve it.”
16. “Hot Gym Girls are so terrifying. What are they giggling about amongst themselves? What’s so funny?? Is it my stained tee shirt and inability to do a push up??? I’M SORRY I CAN’T BE WEARING A BEBE DRESS TO WORK OUT LIKE YOU, OKAY??”
17. “Man, I feel all primal and sexy and fit.” [Looks in mirror to see entire face coated with sweat and mascara.]
18. [Intentionally avoids signing up for class with hot instructor because who really needs that kind of pressure?]
19. “I need the cushion socks, these socks are really messing with my stamina. If I can’t get in a full hour tonight, it’s because of the socks.”
20. “Right, bro, you really needed to bring that giant Donkey Kong barrel of protein powder to the gym with you. We get it.”
21. “Phew, I really went all in tonight. I should rest up my muscles for the rest of the week, don’t want to overstrain anything. God, I am so fucking healthy. Good for me!” [Triumphantly tweets/makes Facebook about going to the gym.] 
