23 Reasons Why Not Having Kids Is The Best Thing Ever

Getting woken up in the middle of the night to wipe shit out of another human's ass crack might not be your definition of rock-bottom, but it's mine.

By Chelsea Fagan

Updated 11 years ago, October 23, 2013

Plot twist: I actually can’t wait to have kids someday, but man, there are a lot of reasons why I’m glad that today is not that day. Putting in several long years as a nanny, as many of you know, is some of the best birth control out there right now. And even though that period of my work life is over, I am still very much in recovery. For now, let’s talk about why not having kids is amazing. *Makes cross formation over chest and thanks the Contraception Gods.*

1. Getting woken up in the middle of the night to wipe shit out of another human’s ass crack might not be your definition of rock-bottom, but it’s mine.

2. Having to be responsible for someone else — someone who prevents you from staying out late at parties — is just so lame and sad.

3. Having someone look up at you with those “But why, don’t you love me??” eyes when you’re trying to walk out the door to get your grind on at work is just something no one should have to deal with.

4. I’m pretty sure alcohol gets into your titty milk.

5. When air hits a little baby boy’s wiener he starts peeing everywhere, often on you. And most of us wouldn’t even want a golden shower from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, let alone a screaming 8-month-old.

6. There is nothing better than the feeling of sleeping in as late as your heart desires on Sunday, peeling yourself slowly from the bed, and making a luxurious breakfast just for you (and possibly your lover/partner/SO.)

7. When you see that look in a parent’s eyes as their child is carrying on the world’s most horrendous temper tantrum in public — the one that says, “I hate them, too. I hate them, too.” — all you can do is thank the sweet Lord that is not you.

8. The best part about watching someone’s kids is that moment when you get to pick them up, hand them off, and be like, “Later, you little shit, I don’t have to deal with your antics anymore.”

9. It’s only a matter of time until you descend into the Lilly Pulitzer-and-cake pop-slathered world of Mommy Blogging.

10. You run the risk of naming your child something truly unforgivable, such as “Kayetlynn,” and forever having to deal with the seething resentment of a grown-ass woman named Kayetlynn.

11. It’s hard enough to stay even remotely in shape when your body has done nothing of note, the idea of maintaining its structural integrity after passing a watermelon-sized object through it is nothing short of horrifying.

12. Kids are all shitty and obnoxious in restaurants, and no one wants to deal with that.

13. Apparently the norm has become to stick an iPad in a child’s hand from the age of five and only speak with them in sporadic intervals from that point forward.

14. We have become a weak society that demonizes even the occasional, light spanking, and, let’s be honest, kids absolutely need that shit every now and again. You can totally tell when a kid never got whacked on the butt as a child.

15. Going out with friends and talking about things other than the machines you hook up to your breasts and/or all the hilarious things your wife is demanding you get her from the grocery store is pretty sweet.

16. Babies are often ugly, and no one wants to play the Russian Roulette that is possibly having an ugly baby.

17. I get jealous and resentful enough when I see a 10-year-old walking around with his own iPhone, I don’t need to harbor those feelings against my own offspring.

18. Parents have a tendency to fall out of a cool social life and fall into a pair of khakis and Crocs, and that is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

19. Keeping yourself from being electrocuted on a constant basis is difficult enough, no one needs to be surveying a tiny human to make sure they’re not sticking a fork into a socket or trying to use the flat iron whilst taking a bath.

20. Sometimes kids do that thing where they just keep talking to you no matter how much you try to get them to respect your hangover, chill out, and watch The Wiggles. And killing them at that juncture is not an option.

21. Their clothes are expensive as hell, and they grow out of them in approximately .0093 seconds.

22. Having awesome sex and finding out, month after month, that you are not pregnant feels like cheating God in some capacity.

23. There’s a whole future — where you are more an adult, and less a cripplingly selfish toddler who can legally buy alcohol — where you can have kids. But it’s always nice to savor the time where you’re not being woken up five times a night to give someone food when they’re not even paying rent, because that time is as precious as it is fleeting.