1. The “I Don’t Know Any of These People” Drunk.
Sometimes you get tricked into going to a party because you were convinced that there were going to be, quote, “chill people and good drinks” there. And it’s possible that they are actually chill in some parallel universe, but they clearly reserve their chillness for one another and are not too big on the “let’s integrate the new person into our fold” front. So you basically just hang out by yourself and drink until you are the version of you which bursts into other people’s pretentious conversations and says things like “Ohhhhh myyyyy Godddddd, I totally read books, too, let’s talk about all the big-ass no-picture books we read.” At a certain point, you just resign yourself to the idea that you’ll never see any of these people again, so it’s no big deal if you just force yourself into one of their circles and just kind of wobble back and forth whilst closing your eyes for long periods of time. You’re just having a good time.
2. The “I Will Never Love Again” Drunk.
You start off sipping a little white wine and talking about how your day was with a couple friends, you end up alternating Bacardi 151 and flat Mountain Dew and crying into your balled-up sweater while muttering incoherently about how you knew you should have taken that Cosmo article about “Blowjobs That Will Make Him Stay Forever” more seriously.
3. The Classy Business Drunk.
This is for all those big kids earning big kid money and living their life one Paul Smith suit at a time. It’s all about dirty martinis, trying to figure out if anyone has the business card for a high-class escort service, and throwing up an entire jar of olives around 1 AM. The thing about getting Business Drunk is that everything is both available and magically legal, and if you’ve ever gone out with a few people who actually do unimaginable shit like read the Wall Street Journal for fun, you know that they can hold their own at a happy hour. Sometimes you just want to go out with your boring coworkers, loosen up your ties in some Kafka-esque metaphor of removing the noose of capitalism, and pop a reasonable amount of bottles in a vague imitation of Patrick Bateman.
4. The Day Drunk.
You talk a big game around brunch time about how “IT’S VACATION, FUCK IT, WE’RE GOING ALL THE WAY TIL TOMORROW MORNING.” And for a solid four hours, everything is going well, and the whole world seems like a magical new place with your day-drunk goggles. The snozberries finally taste like snozberries, so to speak. Then, around 5 PM, you attempt to eat a sandwich to replenish your depleted hit points and end up falling asleep in your dinner plate, covered head-to-toe in a second degree sunburn and so bloated that someone has to carry you up to your bed and squirt an entire bottle of aloe vera over your lifeless body.
5. The “I’m Not Even Drunk” Drunk.
If there is something more excruciating than listening to someone slur their way through what they earnestly imagine to be a cohesive, thoughtful monologue about socioeconomic issues, I’m not sure what it is. And we have all been this person, at the expense of our friends’ endless patience. It’s that time when you think you can speak foreign languages you’ve only even heard a few times, when you feel you are at your most witty, and when everything you do is the perfect combination of funny and incisive. In reality, you’re mostly just lightly drooling on yourself and staring into the distance for extended periods of time while someone is attempting to talk to you.
6. The Home Alone Drunk.
There’s that moment where you’re sitting at your computer and you just realized that you managed to polish off that entire bottle of wine by yourself while watching progressively less refined videos on YouTube. You write a comment on Facebook that, in your stupor, you imagine to be incredibly deft and devastatingly witty, and you make yourself laugh a generous belly laugh with your own sense of black humor and comedic timing. You then proceed to talk to yourself a little bit as you clean up the wine you managed to spill on your shirt in your amusement.
7. The Charming Drunk.
It’s that perfect amount of buzzed that strips away every less-than-desirable aspect of your personality and leaves a slightly less green version of The Mask when he’s first hitting on Cameron Diaz. If you give yourself a few winking words of encouragement in the mirror while washing your hands, that’s fine. We’ve all been there, and sometimes you just have to admire your own sex appeal. There is nothing wrong with that.
8. The Way Too Drunk.
Before everyone else is even really hitting their stride, you’ve gone from “I need to sit down for a second” to “lying in the fetal position in the corner of the couch as people pile their coats on top of you and you become increasingly unresponsive to the endless stream of friends who attempt to revive you.” You’ve partied yourself into a premature sleepytime, and you know you’ll be waking up with the overall feeling of someone drilling into concrete on both of your temples. But for now, enjoy the nest-like warmth of that coat stack.