Once or twice in my life, I have encountered a person who, despite their lack of any kind of medical aversion to dairy products, had chosen to simply dislike cheese on principle. They just didn’t like it, and would avoid it all costs. I’ve heard such slurs as “weird,” “stringy,” or “messy” bandied about in its general direction, and this is simply unacceptable. Aside from the fact that cheese comes in such a wide variety of textures, tastes, and gooiness factors that it would be impossible to saddle it with a single adjective, cheese in all its forms is something to be revered. Whether it’s the salty, almost nutty flavor of a well-aged pecorino romano, the melty richness of a stinky lil’ camembert, or simply the sharp familiarity of a good Vermont cheddar, cheese is an exceptional food. And think of all of the dishes that you would be unable to partake in if you refused cheese as a substance: Mac & cheese, grilled cheese, a big-ass fuckin plate of melted cheese that you scoop up with crackers??? I don’t know. The possibilities are limitless with cheese.
If you don’t “get” avocados, it’s time for you to be pushed off a cliff of some kind, because you are wasting valuable oxygen that the rest of us could be using to more efficiently consume avocados. It’s like God looked at us and was like, “You want something that’s good for you and tastes like some magical form of nature-butter that I’ve improved in all capacities? Here you go!” Don’t deny avocados. Just don’t.
I used to be like you. I used to be like, “Tea is just coffee for the weak.” But tea is so much more than that. It comes in so many flavors and complexities and degrees of intensity. You can feel it cleansing your body and soul as it travels down your freshly-warmed esophagus. And you can have pretty much as much of it as you want (within reason), whereas with coffee, you’re bound to end up like a meth head coming down from day three of a particularly unpleasant tweak if you consume too much in one go. Tea is beautiful, and is as ready for exploration as all of the various liquids we’ve turned into art forms to justify our delicious alcoholism (wine, beer, whiskey, etc). Tea is for the people.
You’ll notice I didn’t specify any specific application for the barbecue here, only barbecue as a more general concept. Because whether it’s a giant stack of freshly-smoked ribs dripping with the special sauce and dry rub, a pile of chicken nuggets just waiting to be dipped in the sweet-and-tangy goodness, or a pizza that has been slathered with the stuff in lieu of traditional tomato sauce and piled high with red onions and chicken breast — barbecue is all that is good in this world. And speaking of barbecue pizza, I feel it important to note that once you have had barbecue as your pizza base, there is no turning back and feeling the same way about tomato sauce as a pizza topping. There are endless combinations that stand high only when piled upon that bbq base, and what it does to a crisp-yet-chewy pizza crust is simply the stuff of legend.
Fries? Tater tots? Baked potatoes?? Kettle chips?! Sautéed garlic and rosemary potatoes?!? Mashed potatoes with liberal amounts of butter??!!!?! Who are you if you don’t like potatoes, and what are you doing with your pathetic, unfulfilled life?!?11
I hear that someone doesn’t like chocolate, and all of a sudden my entire head goes completely numb and mute, save for a vague, high-pitched ringing in the back of my mind which drowns out my ability to hear anything else this wretched person is saying to me. The idea of not liking chocolate — from its rich, scarcely-chocolate white form to its 99-percent-cacao-only-hipsters-could-ever-pretend-to-enjoy-me dark form — is nothing short of sacrilege. There is something in chocolate for everyone, and it pairs so well with so many different flavor profiles (in both the sweet and savory departments) that to dismiss it all on principle is akin to shutting your eyes to an enormous amount of beauty in this often-cold world.
If you don’t like chocolate, it is because you don’t deserve it. The Red Velvet Gods have seen you turn your back on them, and they have done the same with you. Enjoy your artificial vanilla-flavored hell.