1. Complete happiness with standing outside in terrible weather.
Everyone around you is rapidly developing frostbite and shedding extremities like a freshly-cracked piñata, and you’re sipping your margarita in your bathing suit, thinking about how great it is to be alive. You can’t feel anything on your body besides the vague burn in your esophagus every time you do a shot (and, oh, how good it burns), but you’re generally taking it as a positive. You just can’t believe how much of an uptight asshole you used to be, always so concerned with petty things like basic shelter or not standing barefoot in the snow to yell at someone on your cellphone. Now, you are so much more enlightened, so in-tune with the world around you.
2. Viciously desperate hanger.
You don’t just want to eat. Eating is for the simple, for the weak. You are looking to find a pizza and ravage it like you’re a sailor coming back from some long, arduous, violent war and need to be as close as humanly possible to the warmth of your long-lost lover. But just passionate mouth love with your food will not suffice. Soon, your hanger — your hungry anger — will drive you to eat that Jumbo Slice and/or pack of nuggets as though it dishonored your family name and this is feudal China. You’re basically going to be the guy who is beating another man and who won’t stop punching and kicking until he’s been dead for like five minutes and your friends have to pull you off and you’re like “I don’t know what happened, I just lost it there for a minute,” except with a plate of nachos.
3. Burning desire to be an enormous ass on social media.
I would use the “bull in a china shop” metaphor, but this is actually much less refined than that. You’re basically just some 60s-movie Godzilla, rampaging through your Facebook feed, commenting about how ugly people’s babies are and making statuses about your ex and proceeding them to “like” them yourself. Everything you see just elicits an enormous fart noise in your head and makes you want to write things like “OH YAY ANOTHER STATUS ABOUT HOW BLESSED YOU ARE TO BE VOLUNTEERING WITH POOR CHILDREN. LOOK AT HOW GOOD OF A PERSON YOU ARE.” It’s just a mess.
4. Simultaneous apathy towards and desire for sex.
Half of you is ready to bone the pants right off of the next hot thing that walks in that door, ready to do all the positions and moves and techniques under the sun, ready to surf into the sunset on a wave of water-based lube. The other half just wants to sprawl out on the bed completely alone and not be touched by a living soul, lest they interrupt your incoherent internet searching and eating of Funyuns. And you are likely to switch from one half to the other
5. Tearful love for friends that was always bubbling inside of you.
Don’t ever be ashamed of the time spent crying into your friend’s lap whilst confessing to them how similar to a butterfly they are — in beauty, in fragility, in honesty — for that time is magical. No matter how many Long Island Iced Teas preceded it. Drunk-crying friend love is a precious gem, and should never be cast aside with embarrassment. Friends are butterflies.