An Open Letter To Guys Who Are Going Bald

Allow me to begin this rather uncomfortable little address by stating that, as a woman with an egregiously thick head of hair, I will never know your struggle. I can only approximate, and relate it to my own physical insecurities in an attempt at some empathy. That being said, I have absolutely nothing against a good baldy. I have dated men of both the delicately-receding and full-on-cueball orders in my day, and our love was in no way hindered by their lack of follicles. In fact, there was always a certain joy in running my hands on that strangely baby-esque skin that crowned the top of their head. When we love someone, we find a million little pleasures in their physical being, and a shaved head can by all means be one of them.

So I suppose my most fundamental question would then be, why fight it? As a woman, I can completely relate to the idea of being told that something about you is unattractive by the media and society at large. While women inarguably bear the brunt of pressure to be aesthetically pleasing, a man who is losing his hair has no shortage of sources for his self-doubt and anxiety. (Aside from being born a bit short, there is perhaps no greater blow to a man’s appearance-related ego.) I do understand the desire to hide the parts of us that we deem as unappealing, and to maximize the rest. But when it comes to things that cannot be stopped — aside from, I guess, hair-replacement surgery — why not go with the flow?

Yes, there will always be the unfortunate truth that the bald look tends to work better for some men than for others. Generally, white guys aren’t at their best when hairless, but Jason Statham stands in stark contrast to our preconceived notions. And a whole smattering of movie stars are beloved for their distinctly shiny-topped looks. Who hasn’t gotten a little weak-kneed at a particularly flattering shot of The Rock? That man is a Golden God, topped with a bald crown that is only fitting of his overall sexitude. And while it is clear that a bit of musculature always helps the bald look along, it is not the only option in terms of physique for men who want to embrace their fallen follicles.

The one thing that will always universally be sexy on a man is his confidence. And if there is one thing that quickly betrays it — and displays just how fragile/delusional his ego must be — it is the fighting of a clearly one-foot-out-the-door hairline. If you are going bald, and are past the point of creating a reasonable facsimile of hair with a few good products and swishes of the comb, you just have to run with it. You gotta get out that buzzer and start talking options with your barber. You have to face it head-on. Because there are few things more awkward than seeing a guy who is clearly not able to deal with what is going on north of his forehead. No one is fooled, and the unflatteringly overhead-lit photos on Facebook will tell all. There is no running from nature.

But a guy who is bald and who owns that sexy lil’ baldness, he is hot. He knows what he is doing, where he is going, and doesn’t need to trick anyone into thinking he is someone else to get there. He walks into a room and everyone knows that he has accepted his fate, and is totally over it. We can move onto other things such as his cute dimples, his piercing (and well-highlighted by his expanses of head-skin) eyes, and his wonderful personality. We can see him for him, and not for his cringeworthy attempts at optical illusion hairstyles. We love you just as you are, bald men. We know that your lot in life wasn’t fair, but there is clearly a good and bad way to deal with things. Look at Prince William — he is bald as the day is long, and refuses to fully own it. He is still trying that baby combover, and people will not stop teasing him about it. If he just shaved that bad boy down and put on a rugby shirt, we could get back to the sex bomb he once was with ease.

Also, apparently Harry is following suit with his hair loss. But he is way more of a ride-or-die bro, I think he’ll handle it much better.