5 Things We Are All Jealous Of

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1. Couples who are super classy and chill.

There is a sense of righteous indignation that wells up in even the most reasonable internet peruser when they stumble upon a couple who has gone balls to the wall in the digital announcement of their love. “WE’RE GETTING MARRIED” screams the 24-item photoset of their engagement (an act which is usually considered private to my memory, but I admit the times may have changed), “WE ARE SO IN LOVE” implies the joint Facebook account crowned by an ultrasound profile picture of their unborn son which casually refers to how large a penis he is wielding, for a fetus. These things are easy to hate, and even easier to pass around friends accompanied by a vague “Ugh, people have no taste.” It makes you feel better about your own state of affairs.

But when a couple is classy, and handles their milestones or just general sentiments with a sense of tact and reservation — a fine-tuned understanding that no one needs 47 different angles to view your Zales engagement ring — it’s simply impossible to hate. Maybe you’ll pretend to hate them, but you’re really just jealous. They’re in love, and feel no need to rub everyone’s face in it. Monsters.

2. People who do not care what anyone thinks.

I can think of almost nothing which is quite as devastatingly concise, when it comes to reminding us how paralyzed we all are by social fear, as meeting someone who just cannot find a fuck to give. They dress how they want to, they act how they want to, they go where they want to, and no one’s opinion of them — good or bad — is really going to do much to change their direction in life. They simply know what they want and like, and aren’t interested in wasting time on what some judgmental herpes sore has to say about it. But it’s just like, “Come on, don’t you know that society’s expectations of you are supposed to weigh on your shoulders like a progressively worsening pain, causing your spine to eventually splinter in a million pieces and your entire sense of self to implode? It’s called empathy, you soulless monster.” How are we supposed to adjust our mask to suit the whims of acquaintances if someone else is constantly reminding us that wearing a mask in the first place is entirely a choice? It’s just inconsiderate.

3. People who are naturally beautiful.

Not to get all philosophical about things, but there is a certain order in the universe when it comes to how people are supposed to look. We are all in such an intense degree of competition with one another, and it is simply unfair to have some of the scores rigged from the get-go. So when you wake up in the morning and catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror looking like a greasy combination of a used makeup-remover pad and comb filled with sporadic hairballs, the only thing keeping you from tipping over into the frothing pit of insanity is knowing that other people look like this before getting ready, too. And then you meet that one person who just genuinely looks as though they were cut from a statue of fine marble and coated in a thin layer of the “glow” stage from the Bare Escentuals makeup procedure, and your life is ruined. They wake up looking flawless. They get out of the pool looking coy and sexual. When they get dolled up to go out, it’s almost too much to observe, like staring into the surface of the sun. And it’s just so god damn unfair.

4. A perfect apartment.

“What is this? A bedroom and a charming home office? Is this from Crate & Barrel? Why are there so many kinds of spoons? Why is there a bakery on this street corner — who actually has a bakery? I thought all baked goods came from the Dunkin Donuts stand in the 7/11… Please don’t tell me those are peonies, I can’t even hear the word peonies right now, I’m going to projectile vomit all over this aubergine accent wall. Fuck, this is tasteful.”

5. People who genuinely don’t care about the internet.

How… how do people not care about the internet? Like, when you meet someone and they don’t have a Facebook, or a Twitter, or even really watch videos on YouTube that often — what does their life consist of? I recently tried to organize a party and wanted to invite a friend who informed me that I would have to email him the invitation, but that he “doesn’t get on email that much,” so I may want to remind him by text. And it was like being punched in the face by an innocent, joyful forest sprite. Like, his life is so simple and fun and free of things like opening up an OkCupid message to see someone telling you about his penis, or watching people argue about gun rights on someone’s Facebook status, or getting sucked into a four-hour spiral of Tumblr cruising that only leads you to hate yourself because you will never be soft grunge with a thigh gap. His life is perfect, and ours is ruined. We are tainted forever. There is no saving us. TC mark

 

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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