3 Fashion Trends That Someone Needs To Explain To Me

Hey, I get that fashion is really cool and I am not a part of it. I live in, arguably, the fashion capital of the world and I have yet to understand why a brand that wants to be sexy and appealing would label themselves “Acne” and SUCCEED. Scott Schuman and his website makes my head hurt. On those things, I may be alone. But some of this stuff is just beyond comprehension and I am not buying the idea that you all are just okay with this and I’m the only one not being fooled. Some things just have no excuse.

1. Chicks shaving a little patch onto one side of their head and growing the rest long. Can we all finally, as a society, accept the fact that just because something looks good on Rihanna does not mean that it will look good on every random girl who ever worked at an Intermix? Rihanna could essentially smear herself with Elmer’s glue and roll around in Froot Loops and 20-something white chicks would be like “That is so cute, I knew crushed cereal in your bodily creases was going to make a comeback. I told you, Stacey.” But this is absurd, and must go. When random chicks just shave that awkward patch into the side of their head, they do not look “edgy” and “hot,” they look like they got a hold of a pair of trimmers for their more sensitive hairs and slipped as they were turning it on. Nothing about that hairdo looks even remotely intentional. And, speaking anecdotally, I went into my bank the other day and the receptionist was suddenly missing a sizeable chunk of hair on the side of her head and looked at me like nothing had happened. I wondered immediately a) if she had a boss of any kind and b) if she knows that this hairstyle will soon be looked back upon with the same disdain as white girl cornrows.

2. Chunky, humongous, platform-y heels. I feel like every decade flirts with this trend, which I guess is intended to make women look sleeker by setting them against the kind of footwear that Disco Stu would wear. If the woman’s shoe is the size of a state-fair melon, designers think, the rest of her will look dainty and adorable by comparison! Every pound of shoe takes off 3 pounds of woman! She’ll be a walking optical illusion! But the majority of women I see walking around with these super “trendy” horse hooves are already really tall and thin, making them look like when the vampires tromped through the pumpkin patch to find Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas, but they don’t, and one of them comes limping back with a pumpkin attached to his skinny little leg. That is not a good look on a real human being not in a Tim Burton movie.

3. Wearing ridiculous clothes that don’t match whatsoever and it being so cool. I think I’m beginning to understand the general theory, which is that if you’re really skinny, tall, and good looking, you can wear whatever the hell you want at any time and people will fawn over how amazing and avant-garde it is. I used to think it was just street fashion photographers looking to get some fame by taking pictures of bag ladies and passing it off as fashion, but I’m pretty convinced now that everything in the fashion world has been “done,” and now the designers are just blindfolding themselves and throwing darts at a chart with different clothing items on it. “Fair Isle sweater… snakeskin pants… riding boots… and… a Snuggie! Lagerfeld, send this down the runway immediately! Lowly intern, come wash my feet, I feel dirty. Don’t look me in the eyes.” Or, you know, whatever goes on. But I seriously can’t get over the concept that we’ve reached a point in fashion where you just wear your grandmother’s afghan couch throw with some cutoff denim shorts and people will trip over themselves to tell you how good you look. I’m not just being nostalgic for the time women wore tailored dresses and men wore suits — I’d settle for the eighties, when at least acid-wash jeans were paired with something resembling a shirt.

In all those movies about the future, they always show people in silvery standard-issue unisex jumpsuits. When are those coming already? TC mark

image – istockphoto/ mbbirdy

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.


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  • rival

    This reads like a Ryan O’Connell post.

    Anti-fashion posts are overdone to death.

    • http://www.facebook.com/AmustB Anton Bal

      As are snarky comments…

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Snarky comment on a snarky comment?


      • http://www.facebook.com/AmustB Anton Bal

        As I wrote it,  I pondered adding a (ironic) in front of the zing.

        But i thought it should be obvious enough to some ;)

  • Guest

    Weird looking buns at the top of you head. WHY GOD WHY

    • Lala


  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    There’s a difference between clothing and fashion. One covers the body the other is art. I’m sure your bank teller is no more aware of the difference than you are, but for many, fashion is art, and as with all art, has certain criteria (though its criteria are more maleable than, say, poetry’s) that make those mis-matched clothes something artistic, fashionable, and beyond the everyday street clothes.

  • mo

    amen. also not a fan of of the cut-off, high-waisted shorts that equate to insta-camel toe. no matter how skinny and gorgeous you are, those things will never, ever, EVER be cute.

  • Virtue

    Where I work, #3 is a daily, and somewhat encouraged occurrence; and I still have yet to “get it.”… or wear it.

  • PragmaticPinay

    Case in point: those weird American Apparel ads, especially the Velvet one. Ugh.

  • zuppadupesce

    for some reason the shaved patch of head turned me on the second i saw it and hasnt stopped working, yet.  dont dissagree with this post, since i too would like  like someone to explain it to me, but, in the meantime ill just enjoy it.

  • Anonymous

    I shaved half of my head a year and a half ago and actually really liked it.. the only thing that sucked was growing out, it’s finally all one length.. if you want an explanation, it’s half a head of hair you no longer have to deal with..

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    Were you a horse-girl chelsea fagan? Were you in every club in high school? Exactly how white are you?

  • reesek

    I totes agree to this post. I am sick and tired of seeing ripped nylons with a fake fur, or leopard prints matched with neon stripes. I can’t be a part of the movement where the more absurd the outfit the cooler it is. This makes me believe that kids these days are DESPERATE TO FIT IN. At least when it was okay for clothes to match, or  look naturally put together, the only statement that it was making was that you were not color blind, and had a mirror.

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      you are ‘totes’ a luminary!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Just wear whatever you want and don’t trouble yourself with what others are wearing.  It’s easier that way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2311203 Kevin Pritchard

    Haha, You’re getting old. 

  • ET

    lol when did TC become a fashion blog?

  • Vicky Shazam

    lol i never think of rihanna, i always think of cyndi lauper.
    wasn’t she like the first ever to rock that look?

    • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

      Not the first ever, but the first famous white chick? Probably.

  • Tina

    I don’t know why this isn’t receiving a lot of praise! This post is hilarious and too true. Honestly, I do love the hair thing. I would never do it myself but there are some people that can really pull it off (and some people who can’t.) Even then, I don’t understand it and I agree it will be frowned upon by society very soon. You’re hilarious, keep writing.

  • Rebekah

    my thoughts exactly

  • occupyfashion

    Wow, lack of imagination much? Fashion is a method of expression and living art. Just because you don’t understand what someone is wearing doesn’t mean you can’t TRY. By writing this post you are communicating to us that you have no interest in even attempting to understand what someone may be trying to say with their clothing. Fashion is/should be whimsical and always taken with a grain of salt. It’s people like you who seem intent on taking the fun out of getting dressed in the morning. I dress like a crazy person, you have my permission to deal with it. I encourage you to talk to one of the people you’re dissing. Maybe you’d learn something new.

    • ryan chang

      this sounds like you are the owner/narrator of the aforementioned outfit in docket 3.

      ps. this guy really takes the ‘fun’ out of ‘fashion’: http://books.google.com/books/about/The_fashion_system.html?id=jvpwygq9i3UC

    • Joey

      In the end, they’re just clothes. They serve a purpose but they’re not you or your soul or your worth as a person. Experimentation with fashion is fun, but should not be taken too seriously in my opinion. As for being a method of expression, you’re right. But in general, unless you’re Lady Gaga, nobody really cares about what you’re expressing except your best friend and possibly your mum, so don’t think about it too much.

  • ryan chang

    i personally love wearing uggs. what?

  • ..

    Why don’t you just fuck off and let people do what they want. All of you agreeable ass commenters too. Stop policing and judge your own boring ass wardrobe and go back to loving your terrible job and brushing your teeth for fun.

  • Sesamesnaps

    Hey man, just wear whatever floats your boat and try not to be so judgmental about what floats others’ boats… you know. This sort of just reeks of insecurity.

    That said, I am so psyched for the jumpsuit future, though I’d much prefer black to silver to be honest.

  • guest

    If you’re one of the people that got worked up over this article you most likely look like shit

  • Ellen

    All I’m saying is, I just shaved part of my hair off, which I know is so 2008 or something anyways, but I’m living in China and the boys here think it’s so avant garde and forward thinking and are just in love with it. Good thing I have yellow fever.

    Other favourite moment with my new hair: Walking through the silk market in Beijing (basically a mall where you can buy cheap knockoff designer goods, but all the merchants speak English because so many foreigners go to it) and having a merchant stop me and say “Pretty lady! Your hair is so fashion!”

    Yes…. yes my hair is so fashion. Thank you for noticing.

    • Maggie B

      want to visit shanghai and we can go zhong guo man scouting together?

      • emily

        you just said “china” man in chinese…..

    • am

      “yellow fever”? really? please educate yourself while you are in China…

  • Bluedudecabletelevision

    Stop liking what I don’t like ! ! !

  • Anonymous


  • Anonymous

    Chelsea, u wear clothes, I wear conformed fashion. Since you’ve already admitted that you’re not part of fashion, please don’t comment on it. God bless Bill Cunningham if he ever reads this

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