1. Yup, that’s crazy for ya.

Ex girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other.

Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.

2. A good rule is to stay away from the word “murder” when talking to your ex.

Two years after I ending things, she attempted to contact me again. I wasn’t having it. After a few failed attempts, she sent another message that said, “You better find your God now because I’m going to fucking murder you”

Okay.

3. In order for a pregnancy to convince a man to stay, the pregnancy has to be real.

My girlfriend told me the week before I left for college that I got her pregnant, knowing that we were not going to date long distance. She sent me a picture of a stock photo of a positive pregnancy test that she cropped. I literally just Google searched “Positive Pregnancy Tests” and it was one of the first images to pop up. I made her come over and take another one. It was negative; she left.

4. Basically her ex became her perennial cockblock.

When I broke up with my ex he became so hysterical that the only way he would “let” me leave him was if after the breakup we continued to be best friends. Not just any kind of best friend either, he wanted me to still come over for “sleepovers” and share his bed with him. He told me that any other guy I dated after him HAD TO BE 100% okay with this or else I couldn’t date him.

5. Clearly she knows salad dressing disguised as blood when she sees it.

My first boyfriend tried to convince me he had slashed his wrists because I wouldn’t take him back. The “blood” was very obviously Catalina salad dressing…

6. I hope this girl gets her karma one day.

My high school “girlfriend” told me she had cancer after our first date. She asked me not to tell anyone and that her parents got really upset if it was mentioned so to not talk about it with anyone. I dated her for six months. She turned herself anorexic to appear “sickly”. Once I started making friends, no one understood why I was with her and I kept her secret.

Well, I finally put two and two together after she told me she was going in for chemo on a Monday. She said she wasn’t going to be at school for at least a week. I caught her trying to hide from me before the first class and asked her how her chemo went. She said it went so well and that all her hair fell out but they sewed it all together and sewed the wig to her head.

Yeah… She was a special one.

7. One way NOT to get your ex back: a knife.

Second ex-girlfriend was waiting for me in the living room about 4 days after we broke up. I forgot she had the second key to my apartment. She had a cup of wine in her hand and a fuckin knife. I fucking ran for my life and called the police. They got there in time and arrested her.

Pants were shat on.

8. The logical next step.

My ex found out my rebound had pierced nipples. Completely normal response: She pierces hers, shows up at my apartment, climbs up to my balcony and waits for me to come home, topless. Not weird at all.

9. Twisted on so many levels.

One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister, and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep in the hotel’s fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them.

Oh yeah, she also thought when I talked to my sister on the phone, my tone of voice suggested that I was trying to seduce her into having phone sex.

10. Oh no she doesn’t seem overdramatic at all!

My ex somehow thought that taking her to a fancy dinner meant that I was going to propose to her. When it didn’t happen, it lead to a downward spiral of cutting herself and at one point “attempting” to jump out of my car as I was driving.

She also once pretended to faint during an argument. It was super awkward.

11. Crazy, yes. Impressive? Definitely.

So I was sitting on my front porch with this girl who lived down the block. We were hooking up after I had recently broken up with my psychotic drug addicted ex girlfriend for cheating on me.

So this silver car rolls by that I recognize as her (the ex’s) friend’s vehicle, and WHILE IT’S ROLLING BY MY HOUSE the back door opens up and out rolls my screaming crying psycho ex. The bitch hits the concrete at 10 mph and then jumps up with a baseball bat and starts screaming that she’s gonna kill the other chick. I put the other girl in my house and tried to calm her down. Only a threat of a police call got her to leave.

12. Saved by the police?

I got a wine glass to the back of the head and 14 stitches (apparently I had flirted with an ex at a party I was dj’ing at). She got a night in jail and charged with GBH; the police treated it as a domestic incident so it didn’t matter that I didn’t press charges…

13. This feels like severe abuse to me.

First boyfriend, smacked me around a bit when I was ‘rude’ or ‘disobedient’ chased me down a street at 1am, tried to strangle me, showed up to my house one afternoon while I was home alone and climbed through a window to ‘surprise’ me, when I ask him to leave he goes nuts and find a hockey stick and tries to destroy everything, smashes the microwave, the oven, the TV, two walls, a 20 year old house plant and 6 of the eight panes of glass in the French doors. The neighbors heard what they thought was 6 gunshots and called the police…. so restraining order was enforced for 3 years, once that was over he showed up at my NEW house, just to talk… NOPE GTFO or I’m calling the cops, he left, I left the country.

14. That’s certainly one way to forge trust!

My ex used to smell my cock when I got home from work to make sure it didn’t smell like pussy or soap.

15. Ah, the ol’ ‘keep your friends close, but your enemies closer’ trick.

When I broke up with my ex she started trying to befriend a girl I liked, and wanted to ask out (and did, and got a yes from). One day she invited my new GF over and there was a big montage of pictures of my face on the wall that apparently stayed up for another 18 months, 12 of which she had a BF for.

16. Manipulation at its finest.

My ex was a pathological liar — he lied about everything. I once was at his apartment waiting for him to finish work — he had invited me over. Well I am texting him all night trying to figure out why he wasn’t there yet. He finally arrives at around midnight, saying he has to leave right away to go fix something. The next day he is tagged in tons of pictures at a bar with coworkers. Another time I showed up and my toothbrush was missing. He said my dog ate it and he threw it out, but it ended up being in his closet. I would try to figure out why he was lying, and he would make me think everything was in my head. He ended up sending me into severe depression where I doubted everything about myself. I was sick to my stomach for weeks. Lost a bunch of weight from puking and not being able to eat anything. Worst relationship ever.

17. Let me guess: he is not the Father?

Well 5 months after breaking up with my ex, I got a call from the Steve Harvey show. I’m still contemplating calling just to find out what the topic is.

18. Nope, this girl definitely thinks she’s a succubus (whatever that is).

My first girlfriend tried to convince me that she was a 300-year-old succubus in the middle of a make-out session. I thought she was just joking, trying to make it a little kinkier or whatever. We kept going, and then went our separate ways. Next time I see her she has this really depressed/aloof outlook about her, so I ask her what’s up. She was still going on about the whole succubi thing, and I told her it was funny, but to give it a rest. She got mad at me. She told me she missed her master’s castle back home in Europe. At this point I was struggling on deciding what to do because she was obviously drinking the cool-aid™ and certifiably bonkers, but I really wanted to Bonk HER. Needless to say I NOPE’d the fuck out of there and didn’t talk to her for a long while. PS that kinda screwed me over for future relationships because I have no clue how to deal with a normal girl. Haven’t had a GF since. (Help!)

19. Full-fledged PSYCHOTIC behavior.

Had an ex cut the brake lines on my truck. Was on my way home from school when all the sudden the pedal sank to the floor.

20. That’s healthy…

Mine e-mailed me last night, over a year after our breakup and one day after his ‘heartfelt apology’: “In my dreams, I see myself spitting in your face and crushing your esophagus with my bare hands.”

21. A horrifying close-call.

Not me but someone I know …
Her boyfriend became increasingly clingy over a year, and she broke it off. He went berserk, stalked her and all this shit. Would constantly call and say he was going to kill himself if she hung up, blah blah blah. She eventually got him committed against his will with the help of his parents to a hospital.

After his treatment, he came back (a year later) and started dating one of her friends at school. Everything was dandy and he seemed better. But I guess things got worse again and my friend tried warning her about how crazy he had been. One night he called my friend telling her to come over or he would kill himself. Apparently he had started doing this stuff to the new girlfriend as well. Well, my friend refused to go. He killed his current girlfriend that night – stabbed her to death with a broken mirror. And it happened a couple doors down from where my friend was. If she had gone that night, it might have been both of them.

22. Ouch.

Broke it off with an ex because all we did was fight. I moved on. She didn’t. One time she showed up to my door wearing a long coat and nothing but stockings and heels underneath. I laughed and closed the door.

23. Ah, the ol fake-a-pregnancy trick. Gets ’em every…time?

Called me and told me we need to speak, right now. Uh oh. So I dropped what I was doing and came over, and she dropped a bombshell on me: She was pregnant. Then, after the most stressful half hour of my life, she told me she wasn’t actually pregnant and just wanted to see what I would do if she was. I noped out of that relationship immediately, by which I mean I continued seeing her for another month, because sticking your dick in crazy is still fun.

24. If you’re going to lie, at least try to stick to the story.

She moved 200 miles away to go to school. I had talked about moving with her eventually because I liked the area. I visit for a weekend. We do it several, several times, then I go home on Sunday.

Fast forward a few weeks, I get the “I think I’m pregnant” call. I freak out, start making plans to move down there. She calls me a few days later, saying she was in an accident and she lost it. I stop freaking out so much and tell her I’m not coming down there immediately, but eventually. She calls me a few days later, “Oh I didn’t lose it”. I freak again, she calls me a few hours later saying she lied.

I broke up with her after the last call. I should have red-flagged after the “I lost it”.

25. This guy agreed with the Sandy Hook killings?

The crazy abounds with my most recent ex, so I’m going to keep it short by telling you how we broke up. We had been together for 3 years and the last year had been really turbulent. One night right after the Sandy Hook shooting my ex said he could have done a better job. Mortified, but hoping he was kidding, I pretty much just asked “what the fuck?” He went on some diatribe about how the shooter gave himself a job to do and if you are going to go through that much effort you better do a better job than only blowing the faces of a meager few children. He would have so much better because he’s really good and disciplined at airsoft. Not only is this man almost 30 and a medical care professional, he also got fucking livid with me when I told him he was talking crazy. He got so irate and aggressive that I was against the slaughter of innocent children that I left. And boy do I feel good.

26. Jealousy is a powerful emotion.

Not “crazy ha ha” but my ex was convinced I was cheating on him with anything that moved. He hate me hanging out with any one and would be jealous of my closest friends. He assumed I was bisexual because I don’t really have a sexual identity, and decided to “out” me in front of my whole family (thanks, my dad is now constantly trying to get me to come out). The worst was any man who commented on my Facebook I was forced to delete. I heard about it for a week when I commented on this guy’s photography once telling him it was a cool picture.

Later he decided hitting me and pushing me was a good tactic to get me to “confess” to infidelity.

27. Yep, never going to be able to erase that one.

I un-friendzoned this guy once. The first 4 weeks we were dating, he told about how he’s going to marry me, make me have his children, tried to force me to wear a G-string, started naming our future children, and he also wanted to tattoo my name onto his chest. He couldn’t afford it, so he carved my name onto his arm with a knife instead. To this day, he still has my name there.

28. Way to take an insignificant comment TOO FAR.

I once dated a girl who hid Butter in all my food because I once told her I could eat whatever I wanted and not get gain weight…

She proved me wrong.. REALLY wrong.

29. Cheat on girl; girl is whore. It’s simple math!

After 2 years of dating I found out my (ex) bf had being cheating on me, so obviously I ended it, but he couldn’t deal with that. He started harassing me, hacking into my FB, emails, messaging my friends saying I’m a whore, etc, etc. I mean, that totally makes sense! Had to move from where I was born/brought up just to be rid of the hassle! Put me off dating for a few years.

30. Just remember to stay true to your priorities.

My ex (I was 18, he was 23) figured out my password to my Tmobile account online. He went through all my txt/phone call logs, texted everyone whose # he didn’t recognize, and demanded everyone who wasn’t family or a friend who he knew of to “stop talking to his girlfriend and leave us alone”. I ended it because he kept leaving the toilet seat up.

31. OH THAT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL (spoiler: YES IT IS).

I had an ex break into my apartment while I was sleeping and jerk off over me. I woke up when my hand got all wet. :( He had put an engagement ring on my finger while I was sleeping too. I guess that was the target. iono.

32. Just glad she was able to get out of this horribly abusive relationship.

I was a victim of marital rape, psychological abuse and physical violence.

He started with making me think I was lucky to have him, that I was so crazy nobody else would want to be with me.

He went from 180 to 310 lbs, while I was getting thinner and near my perfect shape.

I went from almost a nymphomaniac to not wanting an sex from him

He would manipulate me into sex.

He dragged me one time on the floor by holding my neck. The last time, when the police was called by neighbors, he went on me and put his hand on my face and nose. I tried to free myself by punching what I could, and ended up punching where he had had an operation the previous week (I was almost a nurse that week, I washed him and took care of him) I went to the bathroom and he followed me, took me by the neck and hang me by it so we had our face at the same height. I am 5′ and he is 6’2

He never paid anything in the apartment in the last 6 months or more. He still owe me 300$ since 3 years (was 700$ and I got everything we had in common to pay a part of his debt)

His new girlfriend got pregnant after 4 months of dating. She thinks I deserved what he did to me.

33. This is certainly a first.

Knew A guy who dated a crazy girl, they broke up after she went to college, called him one night claiming that she had been bit through radio waves by a vampire who lived 6 states away, so now she was one too and could never turn back.

34. What a sweet birthday gift!

One time I broke up with this girl who was legitimately crazy. We broke up a few weeks before my birthday.

She decided to give me a gift for my birthday, probably in an attempt to get me back.

She gave me a gun rack… a gun rack. I don’t even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?

35. Ew?

Oh, I have so many.
One of my favorite stories features a guy I started dating during my first year of University (Josh), who had a VERY close relationship with his sister. I’m an only child, so I spent months trying to figure out if I was overreacting, asking other people if they thought my boyfriend and his sister’s relationship was normal or not.

His older sister was very close to his age and as a result they ran in the same friendship group. The first time the sister came to visit Josh at University, she ignored me, spent all her time with her arm around him, giggling and whispering into his ear… sitting on his lap… people were approaching me and asking me who Josh’s new hot girlfriend was…

There were other times when she’d show up drunk at the house, wearing practically nothing and lock herself in a room with him to ‘cry’…. late night phone calls… a ton of jealousy directed towards me from her… I’m sure there were other weird signs she had the hots for him, but I can’t think of them now.

36. In all fairness, he WAS going to leave her.

She would lock me in her flat when I was breaking up with her, saying that she deserves a “proper breakup”.
She then proceeded to lay down on the floor in front of the door, crying, asking me to make love to her one last time before I leave.

(Her father left without a notice when she was 12.) Yea…

37. Again, another first.

My ex-girlfriend was a crazy Christian. I don’t even know where to begin…. Ok so she thought there was a “second spirit” named Shu Dragon living inside of her. (Along with several others like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc) She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach with a mace or something. When we passed by a closed down Wal-Mart she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there. And much more that I repressed. She was crazy, but what can I say. I was bored. Also I am now gay…

38. It’s a good thing he didn’t insist on making it work!

I dated a girl in HS who eventually killed her husband, two children and herself.

She used a knife and fire.

39. And for this, I will never be the same again.

Crazy current boyfriend story: He doesn’t like bacon. Fucking psycho.

40. This is what I like to call good luck.

We ended up at a party together where he trapped me in a room and kept pushing me onto the bed and wouldn’t let me leave. Luckily I am very nimble and fast and I got past him and down the stairs where this guy who was overhearing the whole thing beat his ass.’

41. Never in my life have I heard of a man trying to trick a girl into getting her pregnant.

Dated a guy toward the end of freshman college year. Went home for the summer, came back to find he had spent three or four months taking speed/meth/coke/other drugs. He went bat fucking shit crazy, evidently. Decided I was the only girl who would ever want to be with him. Intentionally popped holes in all his condoms. Knocked me up, and then proceeded to tell me how happy he was that this would keep us together “for life”. Needless to say… it didn’t.