1. “GOAT LOAF” apparently…

Some 18-year-old kid wanted GOAT LOAF across his knuckles. I told him that sounded like a bad idea. He told me it was his nickname, and he was convinced he would never regret it. I refused, and on his way out of the shop, I saw “GOAT LOAF” embroidered into the back of his fitted cap. I almost changed my mind, it was so damn funny.

2. Squirrels going after some real nuts.

My tattoo artist (who is a close friend of mine) refused to give a guy thigh length tattoos of squirrels going after the dude’s nuts.

3. Casual vagina gates.

Drunk girl asked for gates into her vagina.

4. Lou Bega on the ass.

When I first turned 18 I was going to get a portrait of Lou Bega tattooed on my ass cheek. The first two places I went told me no and I gave up. I’m really glad they said no.

5. Genitals, scattered about.

I work in a tattoo store in Europe, and this dude (who was clearly flat out drunk) walked in and demanded multiple genitalia (both male and female) tattooed over various parts of his body. I declined.

6. A cheetah-printed neck.

Freshly turned 18-year-old girl comes in, “I want to get some cheetah spots on my neck to go with my asymmetrical haircut.” My SO explained that a tattoo was permanent and a haircut was probably not. He suggested dermal implants instead, she declined.

The sad thing is, she probably went down the street to a shittier shop and got it done. Poor little dummy.

7. Butterflies.

Got some ink in a shop in Texas that had a sign saying “No Butterflies.”

8. Anything tribal-related.

My regular guy won’t do tribals.

9. A monster logo in a sensitive spot.

The best I ever saw was a guy come in asking for the monster logo right above his johnson. He asked if we had “any open minded or gay artists.” Like just because someone is gay they totally want to see your trashy 45-year-old dick and then proceed to tattoo it.

10. A pretty gung-ho antisemitic statement.

A man asked me to do a swastika with “Fuck Jews” on the bottom. I gave him a blank stare and told him to get out of my store.

11. A significant other’s name.

My tattoo artist will usually try to talk people out of names unless it’s for someone who’s died or their child. Her rationale is always, “you could always break up or get divorced.” I know she’s done plenty of SO name tattoos anyway, but always asks why you’re getting it and if you’re sure. When she tells me about those tattoos, she’s very frustrated and blunt but she’s a got a real gentle way about her when she’s actually talking to the client.

12. A great “I don’t give a flying fuck” tattoo pun.

Asked an artist who was inking a friend what the worst request he’d ever seen was. Two guys wanted a matching tattoo. Two ducks in midair, screwing. Veins evident on a giant cock. The whole package surrounded by the words “I don’t give a flying fuck.”

13. A Mexican gang symbol.

A 15-year-old white boy came in wanting a tear drop on his hand between his thumb and index finger. He got pretty upset when I told him that I would not tattoo a Mexican gang symbol on him. He threatened to go to another shop, at which point I told him that any artist who would do this is a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve the machines they own. There were others but this was the most recent. Its usually a young girl or boy wanting tattoos on a hand or neck when they have none elsewhere. I remember asking one where they worked and they replied “Wal-Mart”. I asked them if they wanted to work at Wal-Mart for the rest of their lives, because getting sick hand tattz is a great way to accomplish this.

14. A very disturbing sexual tattoo.

I have a very close friend who does tattoos. Worst one he’s said no to is his aunt’s meth addicted, overweight, white trash best friend asking for the number “33” behind her ear, because a man once “went down on her for 33 minutes.”

15. A tattoo in exchange for sex.

I’ve been at the other end of it. Some girl I picked up at a club one night said that she’d have sex with me if I got a tattoo saying “Jennifer’s bitch” on my butt cheek. Being drunk I accepted, but fortunately the tattoo artist talked me out of it.

16. A very sad story of a guy who WISHES his tattoo artist had said “no.”

I was at the Full Moon Party in Koh Phangnan, Thailand. I went down to the beach to watch the sun rise (because basically no one passes out before it rises). There was this guy just sobbing, with his head in his hands. I asked if he was ok, and looked up. He had a Superman logo tattooed on his forehead. For his sake, I wish someone had told him no.

17. Swastikas.

I have been asked to do more than 40 Swastikas this year, as always I asked the client to leave and find a new artist.

18. Something her daughter would not appreciate in years to come.

Not a tattoo artist, but I have several and I usually ask this question to the artist. Best answer in his words, “This hooker came in and wanted me to tattoo a dick on her neck cuming and her daughter’s name spelled out with the cum. I told her to get the fuck out.”

19. A foolish butt-hole tattoo.

My cousin is a tattoo artist and is part-owner of his shop. One time I was in getting work done on my sleeve when a girl in her early twenties came in and was asking to get some stupid tattoo done around her butt-hole. My cousin looks up and completely deadpan says “Sorry, we just ran out of butt-hole tattoos yesterday. Check in again on Monday. We might get another shipment in.” I was laughing so hard he had to stop tattooing me for a minute so he didn’t mess up.

20. A very intricate stoner Snorlax.

This one girl came up into my store asking for a Snorlax and a three-toed sloth passing blunts to each other, with a Celtic cross behind them, with the Snorlax playing a glass bong banjo, all in front of a pot leaf. I ain’t got that kind of skill…

21. “Slippery when wet” is never a good idea.

Not a tattoo artist, but I’ve spent about 40 hours in a tattoo parlor on my own stuff. I’ve seen odd ones come and go. The one that stands out most in my mind was an unattractive heavy-set lady who came in and asked for a glow in the dark tattoo on her inner thigh that said “slippery when wet”. My tattoo artist turned her down immediately.

22. A terribly stupid way to get back at your cheating husband.

A woman came in after her husband cheated on her, she wanted “Fuck You Kevin” on her back. She was very adamant about it, even through attempts to talk her out of it.

23. Anything in newspaper title font…

I spoke to a friend’s friend who was a tattoo artist, because I’m interested in getting some. He never says no. Instead, he just quotes ridiculous prices. So if someone asks for their surname in newspaper title font on their forearm, he says it’ll take 20 minutes and he’ll charge $3000 to do it. The worst thing that can happen is that he makes a shit load of money for 20 minutes worth of giving someone what they deserve.

24. An Eeyore tramp stamp.

I’d like to give an Internet shout-out to the outstanding tattoo artist who saved me from myself. I was 18 and my mom had just died. As innocent as can be, I went to this guy asking if he could do an Eeyore tattoo in the lower center of my back. Yep, I wanted a cartoon tramp stamp, and I didn’t even know what that was. I didn’t realize until years later what this guy did for me. Thanks dude, I would buy you all of the beers if I knew you now. I still have Eeyore, just a less trashy version. :)

25. A Hell’s Angel tattoo.

Had a tattoo artist tell me this college freshman girl came in asking for a hell’s angel tattoo. Was told no, she insisted, he took her to the back away from her friends, told her what would happen if the wrong people saw it… She apparently left bawling.

26. Face and hand tattoos.

My old tattoo artist told me during a session that she always tried to dissuade people from getting face or hand tattoos. She said they referred to them in the industry as “everlasting jobstoppers.”

27. An infinity sign and other trite symbols.

I know a tattoo shop that won’t do the infinity sign on the wrist (or anywhere, for that matter, just chatted with her) because it’s “fucking Idiotic.”

Same for stick figures, Yolo!, and beer/cigarette logos.

28. “Mom” right by the butt-hole.

I used to prank call tattoo parlors asking them to ink “mom” right on my butt-hole. Most just hung up, but my favorite was when one guy was courteous to tell me why he wouldn’t: because my tattoo would get infected when I pooped.

29. Her boyfriend’s name on her newborn’s chest.

A new mother wanted her boyfriend’s name tattooed on the chest of her 5-month-old son.

The mother and boyfriend in question had been together for 3 months prior to this.

30. Anything, when drunk or high.

Back when I was a tattoo artist, if you were drunk or high, I wouldn’t even let you stay in the waiting room.

31. Jesus having sex doggy style.

My friend had a guy who wanted a tattoo of Jesus having sex doggy-style with a nun. He calmly called the man a fucking perv and kicked him out.

32. “Archer” on a baby.

I was once asked to tattoo Archer on a baby’s right shoulder blade.
After I refused to do it, he punched me then said his name was Cyril Figgis and went next door to get it done.

33. A giant demon ejaculating.

A picture got emailed to the shop of a giant red demon ejaculating onto a crowd of small men whilst a few other small men inserted another small man into the demons butt-hole. He wanted it across his entire chest. We all politely declined.

Read more of the curious, absurd, hilarious, and fascinating in our collection here.