1. A girl who doesn’t get along with other girls.
“I’m friends with all my exes, but I hate other girls. Ugh!”
2. Thinking marriage means the end of blowjobs.
“I can’t wait to get married so that I don’t have to give blowjobs anymore.” Yes, I know at least one girl that has said this before.
3. Anything flatulent-related.
“LOOK OUT! THIS BUILDINGS ABOUT TO BLOW!”
4. Trying to get you to go on a family vacation way too early in the relationship.
I went on a first date with a girl I had met online and we had been talking for all of 15 minutes when she told me that her parents had a cabin and I should come stay with them in a couple of weeks. We were in the “Strangers who just met” awkward phase where I didn’t even know her last name and she is inviting me on family vacations.
5. Any girl who considers tricking a guy into staying with her by getting pregnant.
“Her boyfriend was going to leave, so I told my cousin to poke some holes in their condoms and get pregnant. It worked!”
6. Telling me I’m nice.
“You’re the first nice guy I’ve met”
7. A girl who doesn’t practice safe sex.
“I don’t believe in using condoms”
8. A girl who has no girl friends.
“All my friends are guys.”
9. A girl who’s passionate about astrology.
“So tell me your zodiac sign, I want to find out if we would be a good match!”
10. Any praise for Marilyn Monroe.
“I love Marilyn Monroe, she is such a role model”
I have never met a woman who idolizes Marilyn Monroe and is also a sane and levelheaded individual.
11. A girl who claims to be half-robot.
This girl once tried to seriously (in 2005) tell me she was an Android. Half-human, half-robot. My friend and I just walked away simultaneously.
12. The dreaded h-word.
Any mention of herpes, and I’m out.
13. A girl who makes it known that she’s desperate for marriage.
“Are we going to get married or am I just wasting my time with you?”
14. Any mention of a beard.
“I hate how itchy my beard is.”
15. Anything that indicates a spoiled girl.
Well if their dating profile says anything about them being a, “princess, queen, goddess or baby” They are too rich for my blood.
16. A girl who doesn’t care about her health.
“I don’t believe in vaccines.”
17. Kid-related anything.
For me, any mention of a kid and I nope the hell out of there. I’m 20, I don’t want a kid yet.
18. A girl who claims to have no drama.
“I’m drama-free”. NOPE NOPE NOPE RUN AWAY.
19. Any girl who makes it known that she wants you dead.
Well, if she has a knife, or a…you know, gun, and she screams “I WILL MURDER YOU” That… yeah that would make me run in the other direction.
20. If she thinks of me as her slave.
Female coworker started to refer to me as “slave” out of the blue. It was non sexual and weird. She was cute, but I stopped talking to her after that.
21. Weird, disturbing name-calling in bed.
“Yeah…you like that, you fucking retard?”
22. A list of all the girls’ traits who I didn’t end up dating.
All things I’ve had said to me from girls I didn’t date:
- I can’t eat unless your near by
- The pyramids were made by aliens to be portals to other worlds. They made them wrong so now we’re cursed with global warming.
- I have a thing for (insert my name here)’s
- The Bermuda Triangle is really where Atlantis is. The government doesn’t want us finding it so whenever we get too close they make us disappear.
- I love you because God wants me too. He wants us together.
- “What are we doing after work/school?” “We had plans?” “Oh, I just assumed…”
23. Less so what she’s actually saying, more so how she’s saying it.
Stinky breath monologue.
24. Any girl who’s very religious.
I believe life begins at conception and contraception is against God’s will.
25. Telling me that I’ll soften up to her bad traits eventually.
On a second date she was like, “Don’t worry soon you’ll learn to like this or that,” like RELAX.
Got outta there faster then Usain Bolt in 1840’s Mississippi.
26. An avid Sex And The City watcher.
“I have the complete Sex And The City box set.”
27. Denying craziness.
My ex broke up with me because he says I’m crazy. I’m really not though.
28. A demanding woman.
“I need about tree fiddy.”
29. Anything off-color.
Anything racist. Goes for anyone I encounter.
30. Any girl who’s obsessed with selfies.
“Let me take a selfie!”
31. A material girl.
“Money is the most important thing in life.”
32. Too much talk of the ex.
Talking about her ex all the time.
Look, we just met. I don’t talk about my ex girlfriends, why are you telling me all about your ex boyfriend? I don’t fucking care.
33. “I miss you” and we’ve only met once.
When a girl texts you that she misses you and you only went out one time…dude we barely even know each other at all.
34. A girl who discriminates against short dudes.
“I don’t date short guys”
35. Whiners.
Complaints. Total turn off if she starts off the date with a complaint.
36. Any girl who is too insecure.
“Does this shirt make me look fat?”
37. Gold-digging tendencies.
Any signs that she’s a gold digger. Like asking how much you make. Always hinting you should buy her things. etc.
38. A girl who asks me to spend less time with my friends.
“Why are you hanging out with your friends, am I not enough!!!”
39. Telling me I can’t hang out with other girls.
A lot of my friends are girls, so hearing someone I’m seeing tell me they don’t want me hanging out or talking to them. I don’t like dealing with overly jealous girls.
40. A girl with little aspirations.
“I want to be a housewife.”
41. Any girl in favor of incest.
“I don’t understand the whole stigma against incest. I’m glad my brother and I lost our virginity to each other, because at least we know we love each other!”
42. Anything poop-related.
Anything that acknowledges the fact that girls poop.
It DOES NOT HAPPEN.
Read more hilarious tales from the dating battlefield here.
