1. Quitting his job.

“Alright, well I won’t be in. Consider this my resignation.” Sent to my boss (of the job I absolutely love) two days ago. Some-fucking-how, I got my job back.

2. A salacious one.

My dick is yearning to break out of its denim prison.

3. Confessed his love to “Marcus” instead of “Molly.”

I once spent a long drunk night declaring my undying love via text message to my friend Marcus, who was alphabetically right next to my girlfriend Molly in my contacts list. I just remember getting really angry and confused that she was acting all weird and sending messages like “dude, you know this is Marcus right?”

4. Made a fabulous decision with the boss’s daughter.

Told my boss I’m not going to work the next day because I’m piss drunk with his daughter.

5. Pulled the ol’ jealousy ploy.

I once told a girl I had a thing for that I wanted to get her boyfriend pregnant. Drunk me thought that this would make her jealous.

As an added bonus, she was with her boyfriend at the time, and I ended up calling and talking to them. I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I remember really running with this idea, a la “Our babies would be beautiful, Bobby, think about it. I should get you pregnant.”

6. Texted the wrong Taylor.

In high school I once drunk texted the wrong girl that I was really interested in her. Same name, Taylor, but I sent it to the wrong one. I was too embarrassed to correct the mistake, and it turned out that the Taylor who got the message was VERY interested in me. We dated for 2 years.

7. Ye olde asshole selfie.

I uploaded a super zoomed in pic of my asshole to FB. Good times good times…

8. Impulsively asked a girl over, only to then pass out.

Blind drunk, asked a girl I was seeing to come over at 4am, she did, doors where locked, I’m passed out in bed, she waited outside for ages. She was not happy :(

9. A foursome proposition.

I once sent a coke-fueled love/foursome offer to three of my female friends. They laughed quite hard at me the next day… Worth a shot though right? It was on Facebook and they were all copied in on the same message.

10. Accidentally left a voicemail for the boss.

I once called my boss at 3:30 am and left a voicemail that started with “Hey gurl…” and ended with “Fuck! I just called Russell!”

11. Texted “mom” to come over instead of “Molly.” She did.

Meant to text a girl named Molly. Texted my mom saying to come over. Not bad but keep in mind I’m in college 6 hours away. I woke up and saw I texted my mom. Tried to stop her but she was less than 2 hours away. She came in such a hurry she didn’t book a hotel room so she stayed in my dorm room for the night with me and my roommate.

12. Accidentally told her husband to stop sending dick pics, even though it wasn’t him.

“Stop sending me dick pics!” sent to husband instead of drunk gay friend who was sending me everything on his phone because he thought it was hilarious to watch me get embarrassed at the bar.

Spouse was not amused.

13. Typed out “d” instead of “sleep.”

One time I replied to a text with “nah man I’m in bed trying to get some D” I meant to say sleep, but for some reason I only typed 1 letter and must have accidentally hit D since it’s right next to S.

14. Had a massive misunderstanding with another woman.

I once accidentally sent ‘being drunk and alone with no girl to hold is one of the worst things ever’ to a female friend when I meant to send it to my girlfriend.

She sent me a close up of her nipple. Guess what? When I’m drunk I can’t tell nipples apart. I complimented it and said I’d like to see more. I suddenly got a full frontal nude picture of this friend. I was very confused and went to bed.

15. Best drunk text he’s ever received.

Naturally, I can’t remember texts I sent while drunk. But my best received from a drunk person?

“Up tree send help no shoe.”

16. A drunken proverb from a roommate.

Mine usually are just spelling and grammar nightmares, but my roommate drunkenly sent this gem: “Beliefs are gone toads are everywhere.”

17. Picked up a girl and played it well.

“Ayo gurl whatcho name is” To the girl in front of me who I just gave my number to and had just texted me.

18. Accidentally broke up with his girlfriend.

I guess I broke up with a girl I was madly in love with at the time. Blacked out woke up no girlfriend. She was really confused when I talked to her completely normally the next day. I didn’t even want to leave her or anything!

19. Left a classy voicemail for his ex.

Not me but a friend drunk dialed an ex fiancé and when he got the voice mail, he honked out CUUUUUUNT and sounded like a goose. That was all.

20. And the award for douchiest text of all time goes to…

Was still in that innocent “text flirting” stage with a girl.

Texted her at 1AM saying (All spelled wrong of course):

“I wish there was a text symbol that lets you know I want you to come over and suck my dick, but then leave afterwards so I don’t need to talk to you.”

I still maintain such a symbol should exist.

21. His drunken response the first time someone confessed his love to him.

The first time I ever got drunk my girlfriend of a month texted me saying she loves me for the first time and I responded with “fuck that’s weird.”

22. Sent a text to his dad that was meant for a girl.

I told my dad he “looked great in that dress earlier.”

23. Drunkenly sent nudes to the wrong guy.

I accidentally sent nudes to a mutual friend of the guy I was seeing at the time, saying I was super drunk and wanted to fuck (more like “in so drdink rghtt now, I went to fck”). Anyway, mutual friend was diggity down, and came over. I didn’t realize the mistake I’d made until he showed up. I had to explain to him it was an accident, and that those texts weren’t meant for him. Luckily he didn’t tell the guy I was seeing, but I always wonder if he kept the n00000dz.

24. Drunkenly got back together with an ex; didn’t remember it.

Told my ex I still loved her (I did) and she needed to move in with me where I was stationed and we would get married. Then drunk me thought it’d be a good idea to delete said text. She showed up at my house three weeks later with a trunk and a car full of stuff.

25. A drunken text that got him fired.

Asked my boss if she ever had feelings for me. Got fired the next week.

26. Played it REALLY well with his ex.

After my ex hit me up for a hook up… “Can’t I am about to be balls deep in Autumn.” (Her friend and neighbor) Followed by a pic of Autumn blowing me.

Worst decision ever.

27. Accidentally sent a very inappropriate text to his mom.

I once sent a text to my mom that said, “I want to fuck this shit out of you so bad right now.” I had been flirting with a friend of mine, and my mom sent me a text. I didn’t realize I had accidentally replied to my mom until she sent me back a text that said, “I don’t think that was meant for me.” She found it hilarious and told all of her co-workers.

28. A drunken text to ruin a blind date.

“Not enough beer in the world.” Intended for the person who had set me up on a blind date. Sent instead to my blind date. Awkwardness ensued.

29. A minor yet very significant typo.

Just started seeing this girl and was at a bar with my friends when I whipped out my phone and tried to tell her that I wished she was there with us that night. I sent “Wish you were her.”

30. Accidentally sent a text to his best friend’s mom.

I sent a text to my best friend’s mom who I have known for over 14 years saying “i’b so drunhk rite no!!!!”

31. Asked a coworker if she would poop on his chest.

I sent a text to a girl I worked with at the time, confessing my love to her and then asking her to take a shit on my chest. After realizing what I had actually done, I sent another message apologizing and asking her to ignore the other.

She text me back in the morning saying she thought it was hilarious. We were pretty good friends after that and she would bring it up from time to time.

32. He never did talk to his mom about that text he sent her.

I accidentally sent “All I want this very moment is some remy and a big booty hoe that will pole vault on my loins” to my mom.

I never received a response, and she didn’t talk about it in person.

33. Told the wrong guy that her period was over.

Meant for my bf, but sent to the wrong contact: “Cousin flo is out of town, let’s get bussaaaaayyyy!” Oh dear lord.

34. Probably the worst text anyone could ever send to their mom.

“M” If you have time to get a hand job in the praking lot of Friendlys then you have time to pick up that blow for “l” and I. so get on it motherfucker! No excuses!”

I sent this to my mother.

35. Took the plunge and messaged his entire contact list, “Sex?”

I don’t know if this is pathetic, sociopathic or awesome, But I text “Sex?” To everybody on my contact list, and waited an hour before sending another mass one saying my phone had been ‘jacked by a mate.

Got laid; but my mum wasn’t impressed.

Had to make the ruse airtight, y’know?

36. Asked a pretty simple favor of his friend.

Asked my friend to cry into my anus…

37. Grandma reveals a text she received from her grandson.

My grandson texted me saying “2 turnt 2 talk grammy lickin her poonanny.”