To The One Who Hurt Me The Most

To the one who hurt me the most, I wish your words harmonized your actions. I wish your simulated appreciation for my company or through our eighteen-hour long embrace, that your feelings were synched. That you were doing those sweet in the moment things because you cared, because you felt the same way your actions showed you did.

To the one who hurt me most, I wish when I had asked for clarification, you chose honesty. I wish that when I uttered those frightful words of “what are we”, your answer matched how you showed me you felt. I wish you had spoken your mind and simply stated to me that your interest had run low and you were no longer wanting of me and what I was willing to offer.

To the one who hurt me most, I wish when I had decided to walk away, you had chased me. I wish you didn’t see me as a chore or work but as a relief, an outlet for you to share your deepest thoughts and wildest dreams. I wish you didn’t push me aside because you were “too busy at that point in your life”.

To the one who hurt me the most, I wish you never changed. I wish you kept up the same effort you had started with. I wish you had never told me that you were interested in me when we both clearly know now that you were only interested in convenience for yourself.

To the one who hurt me the most, I wish that when I made the conscious decision to come back, that you would have been honest about not wanting me. I wish that you would have just vocalized to me that your interest was gone.

To the one who hurt me the most, I wish it never took me as long to figure out what was going on. I wish you didn’t have as much control over me as you do. I wish the questioning of my beauty, intelligence, independence and self-worth never started. I wish that I had taken the time to reflect upon the situation, and find it within myself sooner.

To the one who hurt me the most, I wish I had found the inner strength to leave and stay gone. To not turn back. To realize I deserved better than what you were offering me or more than how you were treating me. To realize the red flags and the signs informing me of the decisions I needed to make for myself. To ignore the hypocrisy in your words and follow the truth found in your actions. I wish I had realized that I deserved better. That you could only treat me the way I allowed you to. That your words of “I care” or “nothing for me has changed” meant absolutely nothing more than reasons of self-gratification.

I wish I had realized that…

The one who hurt me was you but the one who hurt me the most…was me.