10 Things It’s Impossible To Look Sexy While Doing


1. Eating chicken wings.

When we’ve got honey BBQ, mild, hot or lemon pepper drenched chicken and a pool of ranch or blue cheese to dip it in, appearances become the least of our concerns. Meat is being sucked from the bone, cheeks and fingers are smeared in coats of various sauces, shirts are stained, grease is everywhere. Sexy? Nah. Delicious? Yes — so much so that we don’t care how it looks. Special shout out to pita wraps, foods on sticks, and spaghetti for also being incredibly delicious, but essentially impossible to eat without looking like a rabid animal.

2. Existing on really windy days.

Hopefully you aren’t wearing a dress of some sort, because clothes are flying everywhere, and hair is being ruined as if Mother Nature is giving you a really aggressive noogie. Also our body control and balance are put to the test as we are often blown away and struggle to walk, quickly discovering how difficult life must be for insects when the tiniest breeze has its way with them.

3. Brushing teeth.

Movies love to pretend like this can be done any way other than sloppily. You’re going to look like a cartoony pitbull, foaming at the mouth and that’s just the way it is. There’s going to be white froth all over your lips and you might even gag when brushing your tongue, despite having been through the process hundreds of thousands of times. There’ll be spitting, gargling and potentially gagging, yet I promise it’s not in a sexy way.

4. Yawning.

Stretching your jaw, mouth wide open and eyes squinted is never a person’s most appealing moment. On the bright side it’s contagious, so anyone who sees your unattractive yawn face will likely be making one of their own shortly thereafter.

5. Crying.

There are two types of cry faces. Funny and hilarious. At least we’re all in this together, weeping just isn’t something that anyone is capable of doing sexily.

6. Putting on and taking off tight pants.

I’ll never have to experience leggings, but I once mistook a pair of ‘Skinny’ jeans for ‘Slim Fit,’ and what I discovered was a world of discomfort and struggle. It’s an adventure putting that type of pant on. The process can include wiggling, lying on your back, shimmying, hopping, pulling, sucking in and possibly falling over. The removal process gets no easier, and it’s a good thing clothes are typically put on and taken off in a private. Onlookers would get a hearty laugh watching even the most agile person attempt to subtract a pair of form fitting pants.

7. Blowing your nose.

The sounds are just as bad as the physical appearance of nose blowing, perhaps because we all know what’s going on within the confines of that tissue. There’s really no way to make anything involving unclogging a nose sexy, so lets snot try. What about lame puns, are those sexy?

8. Sneezing.

We have so little control of everything when sneezing, it’s basically one second of being at your body’s mercy. Please don’t make my eyes pop out of my head or shoot large amount of projectiles from my nostrils, or make me ah-choo! too loud. Not to mention the risk of some gas sneaking out. Sneeze-fart combos are humiliating, and they only happen when someone else is around, like they want to make sure that there’s a witness to your most unsexy moment.

9. Working out really hard.

Here’s the thing, there are actually people who are smooth and elegant as they make running on the treadmill, lifting dumbbells and other gym activities look beautiful. Then, there are the awkward, uncoordinated, clumsy, lanky, gangly people who look sloppy and uncomfortable, their every move cringe worthy. I’m one of those people. Hey, ungraceful folks have to stay fit too; it’s just impossible for us to burn our calories in a way that’s aesthetically pleasing to the rest of the world.

10. Running with a backpack on.

It doesn’t matter if you’re watching Ryan Gosling and Jessica Alba jog towards each other. If they’ve got JanSport bags strapped to their shoulders, it absolutely will not look sexy. The bag never cooperates, often smacking us in the back obnoxiously as we goofily try to continue our hasty trip to wherever we’re headed. The same thing goes for running in flip-flops, and the worst part is that as ridiculous as you feel, you know it looks so, so much worse. TC Mark

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