1. The risk of PUBLIC humiliation. One of the benefits of home workouts is that no matter how hard you fail or how foolish you look, there are zero witnesses! The gym can bring anxiety and self-consciousness to the tenth degree. Why? For me it’s because seemingly everybody has immaculate abs and works out with such grace, while my struggle face throughout every exercise resembles the infamous Dawson’s Creek cry face and after I get off of the treadmill, I walk like a baby giraffe taking its first steps. Not smooth.
2. People with the worst hygiene. By exercising, we’re all putting our deodorant to the test; so a little funk is to be expected. The confusing people are the ones who smell like hate for no conceivable reason. The ones that walk past you and the gust of air makes your nostrils tingle and eyes water. Those unexplainably foul-smelling folks make you wonder if compromising your nose is worth saving your heart.
3. Couples showing affection during the workout. Yes, we get it, your babe is doing a good job and that’s fantastic, but you don’t have to let him/her know that with congratulatory kisses after each set. Just so you know, we all hope you break up, seriously. Then maybe you’ll meet someone with enough sense to tell you that gym affection should be limited to high-fives, back pats, and occasional words of encouragement.
4. People making fun of out of shape people in the gym. Dear, jerks at the gym – how is the person with a flabby stomach that you’re cracking jokes about supposed to get better? Oh, that’s right, BY WORKING OUT. Maybe if they didn’t have to endure comments under your breath or blatant, rude giggles, they’d be comfortable enough to go consistently and get in better condition. I’ve never understood the concept of criticizing someone as they are literally in the process of bettering themselves. Would you poke fun at an alcoholic as they arrive at an AA meeting? Probably, considering you’re a complete asshole (not you guys, I’m still talking to the douche-y gym bullies).
5. People who are there to look good and hangout. When people obviously did their makeup or fixed up their hair in preparation for the gym, they are typically there to socialize and draw attention more than burn calories. And hey, do your thing, just keep it away from me. You being done up only further exposes my hideousness. Aside from the moments after first waking up, mid-workout is usually my least appealing moment aesthetically.
6. The lingerers who spend absurd amounts of time at the same piece of equipment or in the area that you need. Checking Facebook, Tweeting, Instagramming – doing whatever on their phone, stopping only to glace at themselves in the mirror. Maybe some stretching, tying, untying and retying of their shoes – then maybe a quick set of actually exercise, before repeating the entire process again.
7. Filthy machines. So many people don’t disinfect the machines after they doused ‘em in sweat. I can’t comprehend that. I feel like even if you’re a disgusting human being, you’d at least wipe it down because there are people around who can see you.
8. Intense grunters. It basically goes like this:
NGUUUUUUUUUUSHHSHSHHSHHHHHHHHAAAH! Three. NGUUUUUUUUSHAHHAH. Four. NNNNNNNYAAAAAAAAAHAHHSHHAHHHHH. Five. NYYYYYEVERYBODYLOOKATMEIMLIFTINGHEAVYSHITAHHHH! Six. NNNAAAAAAATTENTIONINEEDITAAAAHHHHH! Seven.
One set down, three more to go… And the rest of us have to hear this and pretend it doesn’t sound like The Hulk is having his first orgasm in years.
9. Location, location, location. Why are gyms ALWAYS by a Taco Bell or a Coldstone, or a McDonalds, or a place that offers foods that are terrible for our health? WHY? I want answers! Burn 500 calories – gain 1,000 immediately after because you can’t get the burger without the fries, and the fries without the McFlurry. Is this a cohesive plan? Are gyms secretly united with unhealthy fast food joints to exist near each other and keep us a somewhat out of shape, thus forcing us to maintain our membership? Sick, twisted, maniacal bastards.
10. It just takes so much time that could be spent not gasping for air. Aside from having a nice body, the main purpose for working out is for good health which, we’d hope would result in a lengthier life. The thing is, the years our living is extended from exercising are spent on a treadmill. So basically you can live to 85 instead of 82, but you spent three years of your life doing cardio and passing on fried chicken and donuts. Some eat to live, I live to eat — is working out and dieting worth it?