13 Reasons Why Online Dating Is The Worst

Every few months, with my self-esteem hovering around normal, I decide to try an online dating site – OkCupid, Tinder, eHarmony, Match – I’ve tried them all for varying lengths of time, even paid for some. Interestingly, I’ve matched with most of the same people across sites (advice: don’t pay for it, it’s all the same people). Nothing ever comes from it, aside from a hit to the ol’ self-esteem and a general concern for the future of the world.
Here are some of the things I have encountered:

1. “I lift guns.” Tell me — what does this mean? Do you literally lift guns off of the floor? Do you lift things with guns? Do you (shop)lift guns? Do you lift and have guns and are not sure how to use commas? Moreover, why is this the one thing you hope people know about you?

2. Just because I do not respond to your “Hey babi gurl” at 3:00 AM does not mean I am a “bicth.” Also, spelling really counts when you’re trying to offend someone.

3. No, you cannot have a picture of my feet.

4. Your girlfriend might be cool with you looking for other girls online but I am not cool being the “other woman.”

5. What does “recently separated” mean? Can we quantify “recently”?

6. It is not possible that every guy online is most passionate about their physique. It’s just not possible.

7. The more times you repeat that you are a “good guy,” the more I will doubt you. The man doth protest too much…who is questioning you and why?

8. No one talks to anyone and when they do they say the things you don’t want to hear. No one should be told, “You’d be so much prettier if you wore more make-up.”

9. You will match with people that you know and it will be weirdly embarrassing until you remember that they’re on there too, so…you’re pretty equal. Now, which way are you going to swipe?

10. No, you cannot ask me on another site for a picture of my feet.

11. It will be disappointing when you see the number of people who have viewed your profile and then done nothing further.

12. How are you supposed to fill out the questionnaire? “Describe yourself?” Gosh, I don’t know…

13. Trying to delete your account requires about 3 steps too many. Yes, I’m done. No, I did not find anyone. No, I’m not interested in giving it more time. No, I don’t want to talk about it further. Yes, I’m sure. No, I was saying yes to the previous question. Damn it, close my account!

Ugh.

In a few months I might decide to try it again — a friend will encourage me to do it or I will get bored enough to think it’s a good idea this time around. It is the way of being single in 2014 — and it sucks. Online dating…blergh.