I Love You Even Though You’ll Never Be Mine

girl backpack lake hat trees
Thomas Griesbeck

Remember when I told you that after all these years, it was you. It has always been you. And I mean it; I mean it when I said you mattered to me so much, when I said that you were always special, when I said that you changed my life in ways I wasn’t expecting. I never said it outright. I never said what those words exactly meant. I never directly said the words that you deserve to hear.

But just this once, I am putting it out in the open: I love you.

I didn’t vanish from your life because I realized you weren’t meant the risk. I didn’t stop because you didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t choose to be silent because I do not truly love you. I’m straying away from you because I’m giving you what you deserve, what you have always deserved—freedom to be happy, freedom to choose who you want to be with, freedom to live your life the way you want to. I love you too much that I promised myself I would let you be happy by choosing your happiness over mine. I love you too much that I’ve let myself be hurt silently to the point of shutting out everyone else. I love you too much so I’m setting you free from my heart and far from my love.

It hurt, but it was worth it.

Every single day that I miss pieces of you, that I miss the way you turn around bad days into best ones yet, that I miss how your smile reassures my heart, I know that I did it the right way.

I could never exchange the happiness in my heart whenever I see you smile genuinely, when you laugh wholeheartedly, and when you reach milestones in your life because I knew how much passion and hard work you pour into them. But when people throw daggers at you, when they stab you when you weren’t looking, when they talk about you as if they know how you truly are, it kills me little by little inside. And that is when I know that I am ready to choose you over anyone else. You didn’t deserve those. Yet you went on as if that’s the least of your concern, and I know that whether you admit or not, they scar you in the inside. That’s what I love the most about you– you’ve unknowingly taught me how to be braver in facing my own battles; you’ve taught me how it truly meant to be selfless; you’ve taught me how to keep myself grounded on my values even when things do not happen as planned.

And every day, I am thanking you silently in my prayers, and that He knows. I know that He has led me to meeting you, not because we were fated to be together, but to teach me what selfless love really is. He tested the stretch of how far I could go for you. He tested how intense my love really is to let you go. He tested my patience in enduring the pain of not getting loved back by someone I have loved for so long. And if there is something I realized as He tested me, it is that I never chose to confess to anyone else because I do not love them enough to go this far. Have you ever wondered why I didn’t ask you to try things out with me, why I never asked to be loved back, why I just chose to take whatever you could give without another word? Because I want you to be happy, even if it means not being with me. And whatever you are willing to share with me is more than enough.

Now, I’m just letting myself love you too much until my heart can’t anymore. But a thing is for sure, no matter where I go or who else I meet, a part of me is yours always, my love.

Always. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Cassie Gacott

I am an ambivert.

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