How I Felt When I Saw How Happy You Are With Her

Anna Vander Stel

I saw you with eyes beaming and with a smile that needs not to be forced. Right there and then, I knew you’re happy, genuinely happy; and I know, too, that you’re something I’m still not– moved on.

It has been too long, but I’d be lying if I say I am no longer hurting. I’d be fooling myself if I say never did I wish that we’re still together. And I’d be a hypocrite if I say never did I think of being selfish just to have you all for myself. But I love you, I always have, and I want you to be happy even if it meant that you’d have to leave me and spend the rest of your life with someone else– someone who’d truly make your heart happy.

Seeing you that happy makes me think: have I ever made you that happy? Have I ever made you laugh so hard it almost made you cry? Have I ever touched the insides of your soul the way that she is doing it right now?

Is she worth all the pain I’ve been through? Because if you could tell me that yes, she is worth everything you’ve risked for, then I’d gladly accept. Because if you tell me you’ve found your purpose in her the way that you’ve never found it in me, I’d gladly concede– not to her, but to your happiness.

Having met you is one of the best memories I’ve had, and having to be loved back by you was the best feeling ever. But losing you has always been one of the darkest memories kept in the deepest parts of me, too. The outsides of me looked as normal as they are before I met you, but the insides of me are burnt, scarred, broken.

But then again, I go back to where we are now, and I ask myself again, were my pains worth all your happiness? My answer is yes, because I love you. I ask myself too, does my sadness matter seeing how genuinely happy you are with her? My answer is still yes, because I love you. Then, I ask myself, would I be willing to go through the same agony just for you? And my answer remains to be yes, because I love you. For the only constant thing through it all is the truth that I love you.

Yes, you’ve hurt my vulnerable heart too much, and you’ve scarred my heart far too deep, but the love I have for you taught me to be selfless– taught me that being truly in love meant that choosing your happiness, and not mine. It taught me that at times, it is love that will keep me through; it is love that will keep me together. And it was the very same love that taught me to keep loving even if it hurts.

My love for you broke me, but that same love is what is keeping me to go on– in hope that one day, I’d find someone who will be as willing as I am to give me the same kind of love, the same intensity of passion, or more, the way that I have given it to you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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