To The One Who Never Put Me First

 Matt Alaniz
Matt Alaniz

It’s a new beginning with some new people in my life. I decided to go through my things, and I unexpectedly came across our old photos I have buried away– our old photos with beautiful memories in them. I don’t know why I was even surprised to see them when I know they were always there. Or maybe for a moment, they just slipped off my mind, and I’m glad they did.

I have not moved on, I just decided to forget about us for a while. And seeing those photos reminded me of the lowest lows we’ve conquered, and the highest highs we’ve reached together. They reminded me of wonderful memories that keep hurting me in the process of remembering.

They reminded me that you were once part of me, that I invested in someone that had no plans of ever putting me first, that I allowed someone to go through beyond I have let anyone else through.

You were a priority, your feelings were my priority. And seeing those memories wrapped in our old photos only reopened wounds that were never healed. I miss you. So much it hurts. While you leaving me hanging allowed new people to enter my life, I’d still choose that door leading to you when possible. But there were no doors nor windows, there is just a wall– a wall that has separated us from each other since you walked out from my life, since you pushed me away.

Ironic how it feels like I’m the only one who is feeling lost, and you’re just as happy as you are. Did I even matter to you? Were we even real? I valued you so much, and I still do no matter how hard I attempt to cover it with anger. Would you believe I was willing to take you back without apologies? That’s how much you matter.

I always remind myself that the intensity of what we used to have is no match to our falling apart right now, that you are a fight worth fighting for. People kept telling me to stop, but I didn’t for I thought I know you better. But I guess, I don’t. Not anymore, or maybe, not at all. I did not want to give you up, but you made me do so. And now, there is no turning back.

I loved you with all that I could, and all that I have. I took care of you even if it means forgetting myself in the process. I protected you for I know you may not be as strong as others may think. I understood you when you tried pushing me away. I hugged you the hardest when you felt like you were never good enough. I saw the best in you even if some never did. No, I am not asking for you to do the same, but why did you do this? Why are you doing this? Whatever it is that I may have done unknowingly wrong to you, is it enough for you to hurt me like this?

I used to tell you that I will always be right where you left me, and that I will always understand whatever the circumstance may be, but right now? I don’t know anymore.

I can’t keep believing someone who tells me they care about me, but acts otherwise.

Up to now, I am still in a trance of why you’re doing this, of why we came to this point. And I guess I will never understand why. I can’t help but wonder, would things have been different if I fought for you a little harder?

You’re a part of me I will never forget, but if falling part is what is best for the both of us, then acceptance is the choice I am left with. Thank you for making me feel loved when I felt like I am not worth loving; for choosing to stay with me when everyone else chose to leave; for making me realize my worth that I never thought I had; for caring for me whenever I choose to care for other people first; for accepting me wholly when others chose to dump me; for appreciating the little things that I do; for believing in me when I almost lost all faith in myself; for teaching me that I shouldn’t depend my life on others; for coming into my life.

Finally, thank you for choosing to leave me and hurt me like this because I finally understand that not everyone who treats me with love and care are people worth investing in.

Thank you because you left when I am already too attached, but then again, thank you because you left right when I am already stronger to face battles on my own.

I am not sure if this would ever change anything, but I just want to tell you one last time, I love you, and I’ll miss you. I hope you’re genuinely happy with the choices you’ve made. And take care of your heart for I know you have a heart that is just as fragile as mine. TC mark

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