On a recent trip to Wisconsin (PS: Dating in the Midwest sucks; here’s 10 reasons why.) I struck up a conversation with a bartender. After a few minutes, he revealed that after 16 years serving cocktails to women, he has a special, innate ability to determine a woman’s personality simply by the drink they love to order. Even if you aren’t a drinker (or you don’t agree with his assessment of your favorite drink) you’ll at least get a laugh or two. Come on, you know you’re curious. Here’s what he dished.
1. Malibu and Diet, Amaretto Sour
AKA any light alcohol drink (<20% alcohol). This girl wants to enjoy herself but wake up and know precisely where her panties are.
2. Rum and coke
These are fun party girls. They usually like to dance and hug and laugh. They let loose way more than Malibu and Diet girls.
3. Vodka and…anything
These women like to get fucked up. The women who order vodka water with a lemon or lime slice still like to get wasted but they’re sensible about their caloric intake.
Straight up. No mixer. Whiskey neat is different than vodka on the rocks. If a woman orders that, she wants to get straight wasted. However, if she orders a single malt scotch from the UK, she quite possibly knows more about alcohol than any guy she’ll ever talk to. ‘Neat’ if for those who want to savor the flavor. ‘On the rocks’ is more “numb my tastebuds so I don’t realize what I’m actually doing to my body.”
5. Jack and Coke
This woman sounds nice and cute when asking for a “Jack and Coke, please!” But in her 50s, after all the whiskey and cigarettes get to her, she’ll start to sound like gravel-voiced trucker with strep: “JAAACK and COOOOKE, please.” (You know the voice.)
6. Girly shots
(Think Slippery Nipple, Red-Headed Slut, etc..) Tease-alert! She likes to say dirty things, but she is ALL TALK.
7. Sex on the Beach, Alabama Slammer
Any popular-named drink means a woman wants to get buzzed, but in a fun way. Most women will start the night out with one of these and then revert back to their normal drink of choice. Rarely do I make 6-8 of these for the same woman. (But if I do, she’s definitely spending the night at Chateau Le Bartender.)
8. Long Island Iced Tea
Same as above but far more likely to end up at Chateau Le Bartender.
9. Absolut mandarin with half-pineapple, half-orange juice, a splash of cranberry, a drop of grenadine with an orange and cherry garnish
This is a real drink that a woman ordered. I got so sick of making it, I asked if any guy she had ever dated told her she was high-maintenance. Her friends all laughed their asses off as they rightly should have. If looks could kill, man. She never returned to my bar.
10. Grey Goose Cranberry
If you’re a guy and order this, you’re a pretentious douchebag. If you’re a woman, you’re a gold-digger. We’re talking about VODKA, people; it doesn’t taste much different whether its $100 or $6 a bottle. Any subtle difference would only be noticeable in a dry martini or on the rocks and since you just completely obliterated your overpriced drink by having me pour sugary juice into it, you’ll never know. (I once knew a chick that requested a Bloody Mary with Grey Goose. I mean for hell’s sake.)
11. White Zinfandel
She doesn’t really like beer, liquor, or wine but she wants to drink something inoffensive. (On the upside, almost every bar will have it.) Side Note: Please do not stop into a bar in small-town Wisconsin and ask for a Burgundy or Chablis. Do not ask for a wine menu. We don’t have one!
12. Pinot Noir
Oh, great, you saw the movie Sideways. Have a cookie.
She wants something sweet and tasty but wants to seem more dignified than the Captain and coke girls.
14. Pinot Grigio
She wants something sweet and tasty but wants to seem more dignified than the Chardonnay girls.
She likes red wines with a little complexity. Nothing out of the ordinary.
16. Cabernet Sauvignon
These girls either have well-developed taste apparatuses or really screwed up ones. I haven’t figured it out yet.
A note on women who drink wine, in general: These women like to get buzzed but in a classy way. I rarely serve eight glasses of wine to the same woman— four is usually the max. But all that goes out the window if your girl regularly drinks boxed wine, because that is a woman who gets down. You may not want a ton of children with her, but for a good time, she’s the one to call.
17. Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Light:
These are cool chicks, guy’s girls, women you can be friends with without too many awkward complications. Marry one if you can.
Oh, you like spending $7 on a beer that tastes shitty? Although this girl seems cool at first glance, she’s actually kind of pretentious. It physically pains me to say this, especially since I’m Irish, but Guinness sucks balls. It has great marketing! But it’s not a flavor you want near your mouth when you’re trying to have fun.
19. Spotted Cow (made in New Glarus, Wisconsin) and/or any local craft beer:
Some girls from out of town may ask for “the one with the cow on it” and that means the woman is willing to try new things and is open to new experiences. All good in my book.
A seemingly great choice. However, after further inspection, this is not the lady you want to bring home to your mother. This “beer drinker” is really a whiskey or vodka drinker trying to pass off as a run-of-the-mill beer drinker. This girl likes to Tango de la Muerte, which I think means ‘Dance With The Dead.’ Either way, she likes to get messed up and quick.
21. Busch Light:
This girl has a boyfriend who hunts.
22. Michelob Ultra:
She counts her calories and is the least fun person to take anywhere.
Oh, and a general bartender note: Don’t ask me to make you something, then shoot down my first three suggestions. I don’t go to the Waffle House or wherever you work and ask you to make me something good, but then reject it.
Finally, FINALLY: If you ask a girl what she wants and she says, “I don’t care, let’s just split a pitcher of whatever is cheap.” You need to start planning exactly how you are going to propose.