Texts I’d Send Boys If I Was Always An Honest Person

I consider myself an honest person. I just have this thing where I ‘m not honest with boys of interest because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m in love with them and I think it’s because on Entourage if a girl did anything at all they called her crazy. If I had never seen Entourage and was comfortable with my deepest, darkest, most honest feelings, these are some of the texts I would have and should have sent to various dick-bearing creatures.

I know you cheated because I accidentally stalked you. It was one time and it was literally an accident.

Why do you ask me questions that you could ask Google?

I wrote about you for a writing class and everyone said you were a stupid jerk and they asked me where you lived so they could come bully you even the professor.

A Gossip Girl cast member told me I was beautiful once so I don’t need you at all.

Don Draper might be a liar and cheater but at least he’d come over to stop me from prostituting myself I don’t think you’d do that because I’m starting to think you’re Pete Campbell.

Does anything ever make me look fat?

Can you name more than three U.S. presidents?

Stop telling people you’ve “seen The Sopranos” if you only watched the last two seasons, it embarrasses me

Did your mother teach you how to ignore me from across the room?

I may not have a job or my own apartment or a bed BUT AT LEAST I HAVE A SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG.

Remember when I had to explain to you that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated? In that moment I was my most suicidal.

I was ugly in middle school and still carry the emotional weight.

Why would you give a girl a wedgie in public or at all?

I’m sorry I ran away from you that time you tried to kiss me, it was because I realized that you like Jack Johnson.

Have you googled our astrology sign compatibility? It basically says we will murder each other.

Every couple months I report your Facebook account for sexual harassment.

I think you judge me because I watch shows on The CW

It’s unbecoming to walk around in life telling people you’re a Ravenclaw when you haven’t read the books

I am under the impression that you’re using me for my body but it doesn’t make sense because I haven’t been inside a gym since 2008.

“Reading the audio book” isn’t an accurate sentence.

It’s like you only want to see me when I’ve had a burrito that day and I’m not comfortable enough with you to do that.

Have you ever read a whole book?

I pretended to love Dave Matthews Band for two years because I thought it would make you like me. You still owe me money for that concert.


I like Coldplay.

I don’t want to hang out with you because I’m going to Taco Bell.

If you ask me if I’m wearing fake eyelashes ever again I’ll kick you in the balls. You won’t see it coming and you won’t be able to cross your legs for days. Why do you cross your legs?

Your face without glasses makes me really uncomfortable.

Sorry you’re not satisfied with my bra size.

I had a dream that I beat your head against a brick wall repeatedly but I wouldn’t let you die because “that would be too easy.”

How many times have you thought about me while masturbating so far in your lifetime?

DID YOU EVER EVEN LISTEN TO THE MIX CDS I MADE YOU? I don’t think you did because you don’t care about Robyn.

What does a wink face mean what does everything you say mean?

Leave me alone you’re the worst.

Jon Hamm probably thinks you’re really annoying. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Entourage: The Complete Series [Blu-ray]

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