Imagine the most disgusting, horrible candy you’ve ever had the misfortune of putting in your mouth.
Imagine how it tastes, smells, feels against your tongue. Got it? Now FORGET ABOUT IT because whatever it was, it’s nothing compared to Dots. I’m not talking about the charmingly delightful ice cream treat you get out of those weird stands in movie theatres (see: Dippin’ Dots) I’m talking about “Assorted Fruit Flavored Gumdrops”. Even the advertising on their packaging doesn’t try to make them sound good.
I don’t know a single person who eats and enjoys Dots un-ironically. If I were given the ability to make my worst enemy eat a single food for the rest of their life, I would make them eat Dots, because I’m a vengeful and opportunistic person and because Dots are that disgusting. They’re chewy in that horrible stick-to-your-teeth-for-the-rest-of-the-week way, and they’re the only gummy candy that actually tastes like they’re made out of horse hooves, even though they’re not. In fact, Dots are vegan—in addition to being gluten-free, nut-free, peanut-free, and FUN-FREE.
The worst part is that the different flavors just make these terrible gumdrops taste even worse. An unsuspecting person tricked into eating Dots might pick up a red Dot and think, “Oh, yum, strawberry!” only to put it in their mouth and taste DESPAIR. Try a green one if you’ve ever wondered what melting plastic tastes like. The orange dots are passable as tasting like an orange, if that orange was the size of your thumbnail and the texture of a half-melted candle.
The manufacturers of this heinous excuse for a candy must know how terrible they are because they try to spruce up Dots boxes with “fun” riddles on the back. These riddles, however, are even more frustrating than trying to pick the Dots out of your back molars. The candy isn’t fun and the packaging isn’t fun, so what’s the point?
I work in a movie theatre, and night after night I help customers buy Kit Kats, M&M’s, Milk Duds, and even Red Vines. As each box disappears, more and more empty space is created around the mountain of unwanted Dots boxes. These Assorted Fruit Flavored Gumdrops can’t help how disgusting they are. They are forced to sit there behind a glass counter and watch as all of their candy colleagues are devoured gleefully. No one wants to solve the riddles on the back of their boxes. No one wants to wonder why their outside coat is weirdly sticky. (Seriously, why is it so sticky?) Approximately fifty-five gumdrops sit smashed together in each box, aimlessly waiting for someone to put them out of their misery. These Dots could probably survive the Apocalypse, and they probably will, because no one will eat them first. What kind of a life is that?
Some brave soul needs to step forward and admit to liking Dots, even just a little bit. Admit that after eating a few, they might even start to taste kind of good. Admit that the cherry one is their favorite. Admit that Dots aren’t all that bad, and buy a box, or maybe even two or three, because someone needs to eat these suckers.
Of course, that person isn’t going to be me.