Your absolute reluctance towards being straight forward in communications.
Hints, feelings, concepts, angles – you master that. Saying straight out what’s on your mind? Hasn’t happened a single fucking time in my life.
The conflicting messages men are sent can be extremely hard to figure out.
— Don’t ever approach women, they deal with that enough and it’s annoying or even harassing. As a guy you have to go after what you want though.
— Don’t compliment on physical features as that’s objectifying but make sure to make her feel attractive. Though she does not care about being attractive to you, she does it for herself.
— Men and women are equal, it’s 2016! But you better make the first move and not expect her to do that, that’s just silly.
— Women need the right mood, setting, foreplay and feeling to be turned on. But getting dicked down by some douche is okay, that’s just sex after all.
— Women care way more about your personality than anything else. If you’re under 6’0 your personality must be shit though.
— Men are gross for always wanting sex and staring at women a lot. But if they don’t, they’re wimps.
— There are a lot of women who like shy guys. However, you’ll still be expected to make all the first moves. So you better don’t be shy.
Those are some of the things that I couldn’t make sense of until I was in my mid-twenties.
Women probably aren’t that complicated when you break it all down, but it sure is hard to figure out what the fuck is going on from a guy’s perspective sometimes.
I hadn’t experienced someone not knowing what they want, but not accepting anything they’re given, then blaming the person trying to work with them for not being good enough at collaboration until I started dating.
I hadn’t experienced someone needing a delicate and intricate array of circumstantial factors to be in or near perfect alignment for them to be calm and happy and without a stream of complaints until I started hanging out with women.
I had never experienced someone rule out, dismiss, or have disdain for someone else for the smallest, dumbest reasons and blame them for it. Then turn around and expect me to ignore all that when they moan to me about not having enough friends or dating prospects or having a bad reputation amongst a group.
It wasn’t until I started dating that I had someone try to convince me I wanted something so she could have it instead of asking me if I was cool with something because she wanted it.
Now, I”m not saying there are no guys who do the above. Or all women are like that. I’m saying, when it was just me and a bunch of other male doofuses growing up, that wasn’t a part of my life and it still really isn’t unless a woman is involved. Since, I’ve met a few guys who do stuff like the above. And when I tell people I don’t like hanging out with them because of how they are people get it and we move on. But when I say I don’t like women like that, even women tell me, “lol good luck.”
That they way women have learned to communicate is very indirect and relies heavily on implying things and hinting. It can be kind of fun sometimes, but it can get pretty tiring. The “where do you want to eat” bit is so very true and irritates me to the bone. I used to tell my stbx that she’s the only person I know that was so indecisive she could starve to death in the woods if she had two piles of food to choose from.
You’re complicated because you talk about your problems, avoid conflict, and refuse to have any explicit opinions, then when we suggest solutions, assertive actions, or offend your hidden opinions, you claim it’s our fault we’re not mind readers.
Try seeking some solutions instead of seeking validation when you’re talking.
You seem to instinctively hide what it is you want. Just working out what you would like for dinner requires FBI level interrogation skills. But almost everything you want is like that. It has to be disguised or communicated in secret code.
Its like you’re afraid of people understanding the real you so you hide it or play a role instead of being yourself. A lot of you do it so much you don’t know who you are.
Women are not actually more complicated than men.
It’s just that men are under enormous societal pressure to be direct, pursue, initiate and take charge, so we rarely have leeway to be ambiguous or indirect.
Women have virtually no pressure and no accountability in this regard. It’s considered normal for women to be inconsistent and to contradict themselves or change their minds for no reason.
“A girl can change her mind”.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best”.
“I’m strong and independent. So you should pay for my dinner”.
And so on and so on. Things like these make dealing with a lot of women very complicated.
I want to talk to you and tell you things straight up without jumping through hoops or “warming you up” with small talk, such as “hey I think you’re cute, want to grab some food and talk?”.
I don’t want to come up to you in a bar to meander around the fact that I have watched you, you caught my eye, I find you attractive and I’d like to talk to you.
I have been married 30 years. Fortunately found the right woman, who does some of the things listed below, but not too badly.
You think we are mindreaders. Seriously, ladies, what the hell? WE DO NOT know what you are thinking. You love indirection, hints, nuances, etc. We do not like that. TALK TO US and TELL US what you are thinking, want, etc.
You often tend to accumulate exes as friends, which is bizarre to most men. It’s like a failure if someone who was once a friend isn’t anymore. And we do not want to hear about some guy you used to screw.
You think it’s completely obvious when you are flirting vs. being friendly. You aren’t always. And if we read your cryptic signals wrong, we’re sexual predators and you fuck up our lives by reporting us somewhere.
If a guy is a “creep,” anything he does to ask you out or show interest is nauseating and you belittle him to your friends. If you think he is cute, he can do THE EXACT SAME things and it’s adorable.
You come to us with problems. We are wired to try to figure out solutions, which we offer. Then you ignore our ideas or belittle them.
You cannot tell which guys are assholes, even though every one of us guys knows immediately upon meeting them. This was amazing to me in high school. Girls were completely clueless on this.
And worst of all, you say you want us to be thoughtful, nice, sensitive, all that, then a lot of you leave us to fuck some tattooed biker shithead. Then you bitch when he fucks up your life.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed that complicates things to no end, is being passive. If I acted as passive about things as the women I’ve dated, our relationships would have gone nowhere, not even exaggerating.
Passive in making decisions — Suggest some things to do and follow up on it, have some gusto in life, want to do things and act on it, while including your SO. You don’t have to make decisions for him, just don’t always make him make decisions for you.
Passive in communication — If something is bothering you talk about it, or if your SO brings up something be open to discussion. Almost always at the ends of relationships there were things that women were bothered by, but never said anything. I don’t always communicate the best, but I put in the effort. It sucks! But we all have to do it.
Passive with sex — Initiate sex every once in a while for crying out loud! Grab me. I’m amazed at how many times I get naked with a gf and she doesn’t even touch my penis. Giving a BJ, don’t go slow, that’s when you get guys fucking your mouth…think about masturbation, do you go slow? do you think he goes slow to cum?
So, you know this better than I do, but I’m guessing women just don’t want to look too aggressive. You would have to try pretty hard to look aggressive. It’s kind of like lifting, you won’t get instant-buff and lose your feminine physique when you start lifting.
You never seem to know what you actually want… You say you want one thing, then get upset if we give you that one thing. Then you wont tell us it bothers you. Then you go after something else you think you want, but end up not wanting it…. Could just be my experience with women is an outlier, but yea… wtf? Women are so confusing…
Both men and women are under pressure to conform to (an arbitrary) spec. Guys have to initiate (both dating and beyond), it’s an actual guessing game. You end up with Skinner box behavior, leaning on what has previously worked without understanding why. I’ll get her a leaf, that always works.
Women seem to be very conscious of how they’re viewed by other women and people in general, so they often send mixed signals. Want X, won’t say it for fear of being judged. Say Y instead, get frustrated when they get Y. That’s a nice leaf, thank you.
Between those two things, it’s hard to communicate effectively. I’m starting to think people should stop trying to communicate, and let their reddit profiles interact instead. Reddit and OKcupid already know more about me than I do.
Women aren’t complicated, they’re fickle and are able to simultaneously hold two contradictory beliefs. But complicated? No. Difficult? Yes.
Women say, “No, i don’t want anything with you.”
2 weeks/months later you are texting me and asking, “why haven’t you text me?, don’t you miss me? I certainly do miss you.”
Make up your fucking mind.
Don’t make me interpret the subtext, just tell me! Say what you mean, if you want me to do something, ask please don’t “if you loved me you would just know.”
You over-analyze everything. We do something and you’re all “What made him do that?? Why did he do this? Was it because X? Because Y? Because Z?”
The answer is: because we just did it. That’s as much thought as went in to it. No motivation was even a consideration. I wanted to, so I did it.
Of course never considering why you’re taking an action is not a good thing, either, but that wasn’t the question asked.