1. Pretending to be me
Posing as you on social media.
There was a woman I had been dating for a few weeks several years back. We were out doing…stuff (it’s been a while) and at some point in the day, we had to sit down and wait on something. Maybe we were picking something up, dunno, doesn’t matter.
While we’re sitting, she asks to see my phone. Well, not so much asks as says, “let me see your phone.” I didn’t think much of it. I figured that she was just looking for some entertainment while we were waiting and the battery in hers was dying or something, so I handed it over and said something like, “sure, but I don’t have any fun apps I think.”
I got my phone back a little later and the day went on. Later that night, I started receiving some…interesting texts from my two female friends, plus my sister. Apparently, I had sent them texts informing them that I was in a relationship and would be phasing them out of my life out of respect for my girlfriend.
I wish I could tell you I noped out right then and there, but I was legitimately fearful that I had stumbled upon some
Basic InstinctFatal Attraction-level stalker. Took me a month to ramp that shit down and fade out.
2. I’m not a cat
If she meows and paws at you like a cat…in public… repeatedly.
3. Obviously a rebound
If she won’t shut up about an ex-boyfriend, insists on taking way to many “happy couple” pictures to post online, and demands you follow her to where she knows he will be, you’re a rebound. She will never care about you. She only cares about hurting him. And, no, it’s not just a phase. Once she gets over it, 9/10 she will drop you too.
4. The phone doesn’t stop ringing
Calling me too many times before I can answer.
5. They wanted all the passwords
Get angry, like “actually angry”-angry, because you’d rather not let her have your password(s) to your email, reddit, etc.
6. Um, how did you get those pics?
Posts pictures of you sleeping.
7. Not ready to be a dad
First night back at her place – “Cum inside me!”
8. Why are you talking to them?
Not only did she stalk my ex but apparently she had a long talk with my ex’s mother.
9. What must I call you?
Any grown ass woman that refers to herself as a princess.
10. They never do anything wrong
Serious victim complex. “I’m just sooo nice but everyone else is mean to me for no reason. I’m such a good person and they treat me like shit, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Everyone runs away from me and no one gets me. Except for you.”
11. Being too petty
Becoming actually bothered by insignificant things, like getting angry over not enough ice in a drink or the shirt you are wearing.
12. This is wild
I was at a club about 10 years ago and I started chatting up a girl at the bar. I could tell she was interested and after about 20 minutes of chatting at the bar and a few drinks we swapped numbers. Later in the night whilst on the dance floor with my friends cutting some awesome shapes we found each other again and we began getting a bit hot and heavy with the dance moves.
She asked me if I wanted to back to her flat so we left the club and got a taxi back to hers. The next morning I wake up with an absolute bastard of a hangover and she’s nowhere to be seen. I start getting dressed and for the life of me I cannot find my underwear or my phone. I get dressed commando and leave her bedroom, I have absolutely no fucking idea what her name is but I hear the tv in the living room. I walk in and she’s sitting on the couch with a boy about 5 and a girl about 3 eating breakfast / watching tv. I assume they were being babysat by someone she knew whilst she had a night out.
I mouth an awkard hello and she smiles and takes me through to her kitchen. I ask her if she has seen my underwear and my phone. She says she hasn’t seen my underwear and that she plugged my phone into her charger as it was dead. I tell her that I need to leave and that I would call her (cliche I know). I walk outside to phone a taxi and when I power on my phone she has changed my wallpaper to a picture of me sleeping with her lying next to me in the bed with a love heart in the middle of it. I blocked her number and never seen her again.
13. Shared everything
I think it’s creepy when women (or men, but I feel like more women do this) insist on the shared facebook account/shared email as soon as you get married/engaged. I’ve noticed this from my super religious friends as well as some who are just super clingy and needy. My mom shares my dad’s facebook account. she says she’s too “lazy” to make her own but I think she can’t stand the idea of my dad having any conversation that doesn’t involve her!
My husband and I have a “shared” email for things like bills, communication with the kid’s teacher (because they never remember to reply all), but that’s it; we have our own email accounts for our own shit. Multiple individual emails, even; junk email for buying stuff online, another email for gaming/reddit, another “real name” email for job applications and so forth. I would never go through his emails or try to use his email for anything!
14. Don’t test me
The worst thing a woman can do is ask one of her friends to come onto her boyfriend to see if he will cheat.
When I was dating my wife, I told her early on that I would never cheat on her and if she ever had her friends hit on me to see if I would cheat, it’s over.
15. Oh god…
Happy one week anniversary! <3 You are my oxygen, the only thing I need to keep me alive! Xoxoxoxo Together forever! <3 Hashtag perfect, hashtag Relationship goals, hashtag fuck those other bitches, hashtag please give me attention! <3 <3 <3 <3 xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo
16. Don’t burn my house down
Commit arson. No joke, my ex tried to burn down my house because I overcooked her chicken nuggets.
17. Get me out of here
“OMG Our kids will be so cuteeeee.”
18. Random ghosting
Not necessarily creepy but this happens a lot to me. First date, goes well in my mind and confirmed by them. Then their texting patterns show enormous interest afterwards up to the point that we had plans to get together again. Then they just fade. Like, come on. You could’ve stopped replying after our first date if you weren’t interested, no need to drag it on for a week, getting my hopes up.
19. Stockpiling dirt on you
Stalk your internet profiles and screenshot anything that they don’t like and/or believe has a different meaning than it’s actual intent and hold it against you when you get in a fight about something completely different.
When I mention that my ex was emotionally abusive, she said something along the lines of “Maybe it’s your fault?”
Or when some women say they want their boyfriend to wait on them hand and foot, or else she will dump them.
Technically, it’s not creepy. It’s just disgusting.
21. Wait, hold on…
When she starts laughing by herself and ask you if you remember certain said event only to realize that she did that event with her ex and not you but still expects you to laugh with her…
22. No privacy
Always asking to see your phone/what you’re doing on your phone
23. When they tell you exactly what to do
If she posts all sorts of sappy “I love you’s” on FB addressed to you instead of messaging them or saying that in your face.
If she posts the dreadful Marilyn Monroe quote about “if you can’t handle me blah blah blah”
If she posts those “real men do this and that” posters all over FB.