Today is a hard day, we all have bad days, but I don’t have any tangible reason to feel this way. Life is good, my job is good, my relationships are good, I have food in my refrigerator but all of those things mean nothing when it comes to depression.
Anxiety and depression are the hardest battles I have ever fought, and I continue to fight them every single day.
It doesn’t take a whole lot to throw me off course when I am doing well. Last week it was a man harassing me on the street. Things like that can send a shock wave throughout my body that lasts for days and has multiple aftershocks. Last night was a downward spiral and today I am steadily trying to build myself back up again. As I type this I am using it to cope with what’s going on in my mind.
Things like this can feel paralyzing, as if you are trapped, and alone. The thing that makes you feel alone is that no body around you knows what you are going through. It’s hard to talk about it.
You can smile, laugh, and get everything done that you are supposed to; but it is the most exhausting feeling because your body is doing one thing but your mind is doing another.
My body will dance around and goof off but my mind is racing and I am afraid that you may notice.
There are two parts of my mind that are at odds with one another. One side is saying to go home, jump in bed, and go to sleep at 5:00 pm. The other side is saying to go to the gym, run your errands, clean your apartment, eat healthy, then go to sleep. When the first side wins, I never really go to sleep. When the second side wins, I go to sleep peacefully and happily. Every day I start all over and it’s another chance for the second side to win.
Sometimes I don’t have to think about it at all and being productive comes naturally, other times I wake up in the morning feeling as though there is a cloak of anxiety resting over my body. One thing that is vital to this process is not making myself feel guilty if I do decide to hide away in the dark. I don’t always take care of myself in ways that I deserve but I stay positive knowing I always have another chance. A lot of people are judgmental because they don’t understand these types of disorders, but this is a preexisting condition; not just within myself, but there is a long history of anxiety disorders in my family.
If you are reading all of this and feel as though you can relate, just know that in those darkest times when you feel as though you are alone, you aren’t. There is someone out there, someone that you least expect, feeling the same way. Just like if you have a cold, millions of people know the symptoms that you are dealing with. It helps to talk about it, not only will it help you but it could help someone else.
Don’t be ashamed if you have a bad mental day. Even the strongest people have their demons.
Love yourself; the good, the bad, the dark, and the dirty. I can promise you that you won’t be the only person that loves you.