19 Truths About Girlfriends

1. Allow a 10-20 minute buffer time after they say that they’re ready to go for them to actually be ready to go.

2. Do not question the inherently mysterious logic of brunching with “friends they haven’t seen for like 5 years” with whom they went to college, on a weekly basis. Allow for 1-5 days of girlfriends signaling dread about the brunch as the brunch approaches. Girlfriends keep in touch with people they never want to see again.

3. Somehow someone with whom they went to college that they must see, but dread seeing, is always in town.

4. Once immediately out the door, after the 10-20 minute buffer time, allow 5 more minutes to be spent watching them search through their bags making sure they remembered their keys.

5. Also, once immediately out the door, allow for the ~50% probability that they will need to go back inside to add or remove a layer and/or retrieve their forgotten keys.

6. Allow for alarming levels of upset when you fail the birthday quiz. Girlfriends find roundabout estimates of birthdays unsatisfactory, whether or not you ultimately get it right the day of.

7. Know that the birthday quiz is timed, as well. Ask not if you can remember your girlfriend’s birthday correctly; ask if you can remember your girlfriend’s birthday correctly before she even finishes asking if you remember her birthday.

8. Around 50% of the time, knowledge of girlfriends’ sign is also very important. (“Hon? I’m a VIRGO? You’re a PISCES. That’s why we WORK TOGETHER. How can you not know that by now?”)

9. Allow 30 seconds to 2 minutes extra time in front of metro turnstiles, during which girlfriends look through their bag for their Metrocard. It does not occur to them to prepare for the turnstile by retrieving their Metrocard before entering the subway.

10. Allow for their bags to be giant, unreasonable things that contain up to 20 pounds of miscellanea they never seem to use.

11. Take a note in your iPhone when girlfriends point at a consumer product and exclaim “I want that!” This means “Get me that for my birthday!”

12. Girlfriends tally surprise dates and gifts. If you do not surprise girlfriends at least once a quarter, allow for them to tell you that you need to surprise them soon.

13. Allow for girlfriends to be just as surprised by a surprise they told you to surprise them with as they would by a surprised you surprised them with on your own.

14. Do not believe their instinctual-sounding signals of alarm. Girlfriends gasp very alarmingly as a matter of course. When you are freaked out and genuinely concerned and saying “What? Babe? What happened? Did something happen?”, girlfriends hold up a finger and don’t answer for 10 seconds to 2 minutes. “WHAT IS IT???” you ask, adrenaline spiking now. Girlfriends point at something across the street. “A cat!” girlfriends respond. “WHAT?!” you scream, looking around anxiously. “A cat, over there. Look, you missed it already. Nevermind, it’s way back there.”

15. Allow for girlfriends to agree to watch a movie or continue a compelling TV series with you and fall asleep within 15 minutes after the program starts.

16. Allow for girlfriends to beg to watch a specific series on Netflix that you don’t want to watch but agree to watch because she wants to watch, and then fall asleep within 15 minutes after the show starts.

17. Take notice of conspicuously placed hair ties and bobby pins. Girlfriends mark their territory by leaving them around their your apartment.

18. Keep water near at all times. Girlfriends are always feeling dehydrated.

19. Keeping water near at the end of the night when girlfriends want to go home is especially important. Girlfriends get very dehydrated during this time. TC mark

You can also read 19 Truths About Boyfriends.

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