So: You’ve woken up this morning with a particularly bad case of RBS. You’re fine though. You got enough sleep, you’ve had a good breakfast, and you’re excited about the thing you’re going to tonight because someone you like will be there and there’s a high probability that you two will have your premiere hook-up. You’re so ‘fine,’ in fact, that you have no idea you have RBS until you’re actually at the thing, later, and someone says to you, in front of a large group, “Hey, man, are you mad or something?” You’re quiet, in general, and you’re not really into this caliber of attention — the kind where the entire group is focused on you like a social laser beam — and so the question immediately pulls you further into yourself. Your first instinct is to punch the motherfucker and yell, “I’m not mad!,” which is problematic, because you actually are upset now, but you weren’t upset before. The question itself made you upset. So now to answer “Everything’s fine, I’m completely fine” will a) be a lie and b) serve as further evidence that you’re hiding that you’re angry. The irony. From here, you have a number of options. But first —
THINGS PEOPLE TYPICALLY SAY TO PEOPLE WITH RESTING BITCHFACE SYNDROME
- “Are you bored?”
- “Oh I’m sure you just want to get out of here. [Laughs.]”
- “You’re not having a very fun time, are you?”
- “Are you mad at me?”
- “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay?”
- “I was intimidated by you when I first met you.”
- “I thought you hated me for so long.”
- “Why don’t you try smiling some time?”
RESPONSES TO QUERIES ABOUT YOUR BITCHFACE
#1: “I’m not mad.”
Answering “I’m not mad” can be done to minor effect at best. I don’t recommend it. The reason is that at social gatherings not only are you expected to have a positive facial expression, you’re also expected to say funny things whenever group attention is focused on you. You are supposed to be very happy at parties. You are supposed to affirm people’s idea that you like them and are okay with them. People want to know that you’re on their team at parties. Saying “I’m not mad” is not funny, it’s just an answer. Saying “I’m not mad” with your resting bitch face in flat monotone — slightly defensive, maybe, because you were just put on the spot — does not affirm anyone’s idea that you’re having a fun time. It just affirms that you’re not not having a fun time. People don’t want answers like that. They want to hear a witty remark. Superficial conversation and party dynamics work much better that way. How could you even say “I’m not mad” WITHOUT sounding defensive? I can’t imagine anyone sounding happy, responding “I’m not mad.” What would that sound like? “I’m not mad!” Hm. “I’M NOT MAD!” Still seems defensive. If anything it’s at least nervous sounding. Whatever it sounds like, by saying “I’m not mad,” you automatically position yourself as being called out, I think, and this is the last thing you want to be seen as. Take a deep breath and don’t do it. Then say–
Option #2: “I wasn’t pissed, it’s just my face. I have resting bitchface syndrome.”
Here is probably the most efficient thing to say. You won’t be lying (“I wasn’t pissed” is the truth — you weren’t — and it deftly omits that you are pissed now) and, when “resting bitchface syndrome” elicits laughs and likely changes the subject to RBF — everyone sharing their own accounts of RBF and even feeling proud to identify themselves as the victim of RBF — the asker will most likely lose track of the what might be obvious omission that you weren’t mad but might be mad now because of the question and everything will be all good. And people might be more interested than you, because people tend to laugh at RBF and will think you’re funny for knowing the name of it.
DO’S AND DON’TS OF RESTING BITCHFACE SYNDROME
DO admit that you have RBS. Stay aware of it, and counteract with positive facial symmetry when possible.
DON’T let it go unchecked. People who don’t have RBS don’t believe in RBS — the only thing you can do is conform to their idea of how your face should look.
DO freely discuss your resting bitchface. As written above, it’s funny, and people will be enamored of your ability to introspect and be honest about your personal difficulties.
DON’T get defensive about your resting bitchface, because then it won’t be resting bitchface, you’ll just be a bitch.
DO develop a fake smile and a stock, tested response to queries about your mood that delights and impresses people.
DON’T let people catch you off guard with their shitty questions. Be prepared.
The ultimate goal of those afflicted by Resting Bitchface Syndrome is to mitigate the effects of being called out for looking angry. It’s my opinion that the best way to do this is to simply admit the problem and make light of it. And jesus, try smiling sometime.