Different Types of Girlfriends There Are

The Jealous Girlfriend

Like her male counterpart, the Jealous Girlfriend finds herself consumed with elaborately constructed fears regarding her partner’s potential betrayal whenever her partner is not in her visual proximity. To a well-adjusted person, the amount of energy the Jealous Girlfriend expends on such preoccupations most likely appears irrational and insane. One might even venture to say that the Jealous Girlfriend’s worries regarding betrayal approach the level of fantasy, as if she actually – for some reason – desired an instance of betrayal on her partner’s behalf. Most likely to be observed going through her partner’s email account, going through her partner’s text messages, repeatedly text messaging her partner when s/he’s out with friends, and ‘forcing’ her partner to come home early from social events because she is unable to handle the ongoing threat represented by her partner as an individual among other individuals gathered for the purpose of having fun, the Jealous Girlfriend’s issues with betrayal stem from a genuine mistrust of loved ones and a fickle definition of love.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: At home, digitally stalking her partner
  • Favorite drink: Whiskey to fuel the rage
  • Favorite website: Facebook, Twitter, and Gmail chat, for their ability to help monitor her partner

The Party Girlfriend

Perhaps one of the most elusive types of girlfriends there are, the Party Girlfriend is not well-suited for relationships, and instead is mostly concerned with being around her friends, going to every music festival whose tickets she can get her little hands on, never missing the show when her favorite band comes into town, and, well, partying. Much to the dismay and frustration of the unfortunate lovers who attempt to tie the Party Girlfriend down into a real relationship, The Party Girlfriend’s clear priority is her set of platonic friends. As such, she’s most often seen texting them while out to dinner with said romantic interest, out to brunch with her friends while said romantic interest sulks at home, or dancing to Ratatat at her best friend’s house party. The Party Girlfriend’s relationships tend not to be relationships at all, but short, passionate flings that act as a sort of sugar-coating for nights at relevant house parties and dive bars. Admittedly, the Party Girlfriend is somewhat of an oxymoron, because as soon as she becomes a “real” girlfriend, keeping partying/ friends as her #1 priority becomes implausible. It is at this juncture that The Party Girlfriend ceases to be a Party Girlfriend and moves on to one of the other types here listed.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: A house party, her arm around her two best friends, drink in hand, singing
  • Favorite drink: Cheap beer by the bottle
  • Favorite website: lastnightsparty, lastsnightstexts

The Stressed Out Girlfriend

The Stressed Out Girlfriend can be likened to the clown of the bunch, as she is most often observed losing her shit over life’s most minor hurdles. From a distance, this can be comical, but to those directly involved, it can be a nightmare. What characterizes the events and situations that the Stressed Out Girlfriend gets stressed out about is that they’re generally meaningless obstacles that appear as the result of no person’s will or wish. For example, we are most likely to see the Stressed Out Girlfriend becoming loudly upset at the occurrence of forgetting her keys and having to ask her apartment manager for them, saying “I’m just upset, okay?! I’m just fucking upset, why can’t I be upset?! Jesus fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t go talk to him, I can’t!” Further examples of the Stressed Out Girlfriend reacting with an inordinate amount of intensity include: misplacing her cell phone charger and hearing the “BEEP BEEP” sound her phone emits to indicate that the battery is running low, missing a bus, and forgetting to bring her water bottle on a shopping day with her partner. Indeed, events such as these are simply happenstance, and for this, the Stressed Out Girlfriend induces a sort of torture on her partner in which her partner must either become upset with her for becoming upset with reality (this is not advised), or humor her and attempt to calmly mitigate the situation.

  • Most likely to be spotted at: On the curb outside her apartment, having a near emotional breakdown on the phone with her partner because she locked herself out again
  • Favorite drink: A glass of wine in the bath tub
  • Favorite website: She forgot her password to her Windows account and is currently unable to get online (don’t bring it up, though – she might freak)

More From Thought Catalog

  • Drea

    damn, i've been denying that i'm a jealous girlfriend but i totally am.

  • http://stephentullydierks.blogspot.com stephen

    feel i have witnessed many of these specimens in the wild, some at close range

  • Anna

    Totally the needy and depressed girlfriend in high school, fuck. Poor guy.

  • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

    I'm totally The Giver, except I drink alcohol (because my bf wants me to have a good time tonight, isn't he sweet?).

  • Spainfest

    Totally the party gf, but I can't seem to move beyond that. Sorry, fellas.

  • http://diaryofafreakinrican.com/ Debbie

    I loved the sexual orientation neutrality (“s/he” all the way through the article). <3

    • scooter

      was I the only one who found that extremely distracting?

  • http://twitter.com/brandollars Brandon Silverman

    aww, the girlfriend you can't have — perfectly described. except for me the drunk kiss was outside a bar in Chicago

  • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

    ScarJo is so perfect a picture for this. Her lips. Her lips. Both sets. Amen.

  • kt

    I like how neatly packaged these categories are. It's very disheartening how people these days relinquish any kind of personal responsibility when it comes to relationships. The “jealous girlfriend” isn't born out of thin air. I've seen several created through the course of really shitty relationships involving dishonesty and affairs. And “the giver” is not entirely selfless, but someone who believes they can gain security and validation by being so “generous.” It is its own kind of subtle manipulation in a relationship. None of these types are inherent. They're a result of a big mix of experiences, learned behaviors, environments, etc. And it's also important to note, that all of these “types” can easily apply to dudes too. So if you actually wanted to be neutral, you could replace “girlfriend” with “partner.” But I get it, this is a guy's assessment, albeit an overly cliche and predictable one.

    • http://twitter.com/madlabz mads

      true, I think I fall into the “giver” type more than others and it is a ploy for security. but it's not like that's a bad deal.

  • Reasonable BF

    I mean, they may have their differences but they are all cool in their own way. Even though they might not have been the one, I really enjoyed dating all of them.

    Sincerely,

    Reasonable Boyfriend.

  • Paige

    The Girlfriend You Can't Have is reminiscent of Summer from 500 Days of Summer. Okay, I retract that statement. Summer is The Girlfriend You Can't Have.

    • Anna

      Really, I never thought she was “The Girlfriend You Can't Have,” I thought she was “The Bitch.”

  • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

    personalities remind me of clothing, something you try on that's applicable to a forecast. if everyone is always adopting some of these behaviors, then god.dog help us. it's almost summer.

  • JoeyMartin

    Girlfriends are cool. This was a good article.

  • foreverdrone

    BSG you never disappoint bro.

  • Molly

    giving gf is my roommate to a t!

  • oh no

    so… I'm a needy/depressed gf.
    what do i dooooo?!

  • http://disrespectfultone.blogspot.com/ Daniel Schealler

    You forgot the Transparently Mercantile Girlfriend.

    Example.

    An old friend of mine – let's call him Bill – had a girlfriend – let's call her Sally.

    Sally was hot, and she knew it.

    Over New Year's a while ago, Bill, some other mates, and myself went for a trip to Australia. Sally went to Europe with some of her mates. The two kept in touch.

    Bill apparently had promised to buy Sally a pair of expensive, branded shoes as a belated Christmas gift while he was in Australia – we suspect at Sally's suggestion.

    While hanging out in Australia, Bill got a phone call one day from Sally. Apparently Sally had found the absolutely perfect pair of shoes in Europe and was going to buy them if he promised to foot the bill – it would count as his Christmas present. He said go ahead.

    A few days later Sally called Bill again.

    She broke up with him internationally via cell-phone call.

    At the end of the conversation, she asked when he would be sending her the money for the shoes.

    O_o

    • http://profiles.google.com/rosebudmeza Rose Meza

      You also forgot the Psychotic Girlfriend,

      The psychotic girlfriend shows deep seated warning signs from the start. After your first date she changes her status to “it's complicated” and raves about your date online to all her friends. Most guys are blinded by her hotness at first a…nd so go along with the charade, others, the more intelligent realize that she may just be a “stage 5 clinger” but unfortunately, it's too late for these poor souls. She's probably in a tree outside their window this moment.. watching.. waiting.

      • Anonymous

        This has happened to me.

  • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Wow. Brandon, you fucking nailed it. I felt a misplaced sense of pride while reading this.

  • rougecerise

    I'm such a GIVER.

    xo

  • AES

    Oh man, fuck this article. Why don't you just call it “A Typology of Hysterics,” get in your time machine, and go back to 1892?

  • Trevor

    The Girlfriend You Can't Have actually falls into one of the prior categories. You just don't know it yet…

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Really sweet. The last one seems to have a personal back story for you.

  • burgy

    I'm a “giver” who wants the “girlfriend you can't have” =(

  • NiceCosbySweater

    I'm a Scorpio.

  • NiceCosbySweater

    I'm a Scorpio.

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